Dr. Connie Omari
Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the Black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast where we connect black families to black therapists. Alright guys, I want to introduce you today to our awesome guest named Patricia Brower. Hi, Patricia. Hi, how you doing?
Author Patricia Bower
I am well,
Dr. Connie Omari
Is it okay if I introduce you to our audience today? The desire to inspire is a passion that describes local author Patricia Bauer, inspiring others is something she enjoys it feels destined to do. The North Carolina native has been writing poetry plays books and short stories for over 20 years. She is a 1992 graduate of Winston Salem State University right here in Winston Salem, North Carolina. There she received a Bachelors of Science degree in accounting and was employed with at North Carolina State for 16 years. Upon leaving the North Carolina Department of Revenue in 2009. She continued her writing career and is an avid volunteer throughout her community. She has written five books, of which three have been published. Her first book, edifying expressions was published in 2003. And it’s a collection of inspirational poetry, written during a time that she was facing painful life experiences and escaped to her place of peace through writing. As she maneuver through life, she faced an overwhelming diagnosis of MS. In 2004. During the diagnosis she wants again turn to her writings and found solace in her faith in God and use writing as therapy. Wow, I love that. In 2006, she published daily mercies revealed part one, which is a daily devotional that candidly shares her thoughts and experiences with God over different situations, and she reflects upon the pain and life lessons learned on this journey. These thought provoking entries are completed in her third book published in 2008, and entitled daily mercies revealed part two as she sums up her life through daily devotions of encouragement and hope. Currently, she is working on developing her own line of greeting cards and publishing her fourth book on forgiveness and releasing the pain and anger from your life. Yes, finally being free and embracing forgiveness at all cost. She was challenged with writing this book because she had to release unforgiveness from her life as well. Yes, this book is destined to change lives and set people free once they totally surrender to God. She has been married to Gregory for 24 years and they reside in Raleigh, North Carolina. They have the humbling task of helping nurture two of her nephews, Darius and Spencer. That is so impressive. Thank you. Before we can see I just want to make sure I entered your name correctly. Is it Patricia Brower? Yeah, correct. Okay, Patricia, I couldn’t remember if I was saying bro or brown. All right. Let’s give her her respect. You are welcome. All right. So Patricia. Yes. You write about forgiveness. Yes. That is important. Yes, it is very important. Can you tell our audience a little bit about why?
Author Patricia Bower
Oh, because you can’t live a life that is tarnished with unforgiveness because it hinders every aspect of your life. You may think you can live and just go on in life, holding on to the bondage of unforgiveness, but you can’t, you’d have to release it for us. Self? Why can’t wait. Because it is dangerous. And it can affect every aspect of your life. I mean, you can’t just go around holding on to unforgiveness because you can’t do anything else. I mean, because it controls every aspect of your life. It really does.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes, it does. So a lot of times I think I’m pushing it because I think a lot of times we think of forgiveness and unforgiveness like, like it’s related to our relationships. But can you store unforgiveness, like in different areas of your body or in different relationships that you have with other people?
Author Patricia Bower
Yeah, I think there’s actually studies that prove that harboring unforgiveness result in health challenges. Yeah, I mean, I don’t know the name of the studies. But I do know that there have been studies done,
Dr. Connie Omari
right. Well, there’s certainly some connection to dress level. Just different things that you experience internally, mentally and the influence on your on your health. Yes. So that that makes a lot of sense. So what do you wish our community knew about forgiveness?
Author Patricia Bower
Wow, that forgiveness is definitely a process. It’s not like you’re gonna wake up one day and say, Oh, I forgive you. And that’s the end of it. You have to do the work and just work through your feelings, seek professional help, and just seek help from others.
Dr. Connie Omari
And they’re waiting, reading your book. But I do want to know, you know, Patricia is not a therapist, but she said that she’s used writing as therapy. And that’s one of the reasons why I was really drawn to her because one of the exercises that I provide my clients on a regular basis is writing. Wow, yes, we do a lot of journaling, we do a lot of creative art therapy. So can you tell us a little bit more about how writing has been therapeutic for you?
Author Patricia Bower
Yes, just a place of peace for me, because I can go to a place where I can block everybody else out. And I’m just there with my feelings. And I can just write whether my feelings are right, wrong or indifferent. I mean, nobody’s judging me, because I’m just there with my writing.
Dr. Connie Omari
It’s interesting that you say that, because I’ve always liked writing, especially if I have to say something difficult, sometimes even to my husband, because if I say it is out there, I can’t take it back. I can relate. If I sent him like an email, you know, they got delete, copy, paste, you know, all these different features that make me more effective in my communication? Yes, yes. Yes. So yes, it is a process. Is there anything in particular that you think makes the process more challenging?
Author Patricia Bower
Denial, I would say is one, you have to admit that you are harboring unforgiveness? Before you get help? I mean, if you are not admitting that you’re hating someone, or you have animosity against someone, then it’s hard for you to get the help that you need. So the first thing is just embracing the truth that you need help. Mm hmm.
Dr. Connie Omari
That is so true. Because and I think especially in the black community, sometimes if you admit negative feelings, it might be associated with weakness, it may be something wrong with you. Yes. I didn’t think about it like that before. Just compensation.
Unknown Speaker
And then too, I think that we like to sweep stuff under the rug. Yes. Especially in families. It’s like, we don’t deal with stuff. And we just sweep it under the rug and say, Well, if I don’t deal with it, then I don’t have to deal with it. But eventually, it will come back in one form or another.
Dr. Connie Omari
I don’t hope you don’t mind. me speaking about this. You mentioned like when you graduated the stuff from from college, so it might be a little little notice already, but we tease each other about the generational gap. Which is interesting, because we still came together. Yes, but I’m mentioning that now. Because one of the things that I find is maybe people my generation, millennials, like millennials, whatever, or even earlier, millennials might have an issue with the parent. Right. And, and something some unresolved issue, and that’s why I think it’s also important generationally, because a lot of times a parent will respond in a condescending way, you know, in a way that they say something like, Well, I did the best I could, or that’s what happened to me, you know, I didn’t know and they don’t realize that that’s not validating their child, their offspring. So in terms of just getting to terms with like forgiveness, that it makes it harder to forgive. Would you say when you’re saying, ouch, this hurt? And the person is kind of like you said, brushing it under the rug? Yes. Like you don’t matter. Yeah. Do you have any advice Do we have? Because we have other people that are going to be listened to? And how can an older person put their pride aside? Right? Because I have I mean, as a mother and you also a parent too. And when you take care we make mistakes. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. And we hurt our children that we that we love. But we have to provide a safe space for forgiveness to occur so that we can have authentic relationships.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, I would just say keep the lines of communication open the best you can. I mean, there is no manual that says, Okay, you do this, this, this and that, before you forgive, you just have to be open to receiving the person’s forgiveness, and extending forgiveness because we like you said, we all have our crosses to bear. And we all have, you know, to accept forgiveness and extend forgiveness, we can’t just say it was just us, not me. And we just have to just try our best and put forth the best effort that we can. Because like I said, it’s a process. And in that process, you have to work hard at sending and receiving forgiveness. And it’s like I said, it’s not an overnight thing. You can’t just wake up one day and say, okay, I forgive you, it’s gone. And you got to talk about and you got to discuss it, and you have to just be open to receive.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that. I’m trying to think of what you said to not only do we need to, we need to forgive but we also have to expand forgiveness. Exactly. And I guess we can add to that also receive forgive, you know, because sometimes, and or we do things whether in a defense people, and we don’t know how to allow them or put it this way, when other people feed us, we don’t know how to receive it. When people express their forgiveness.
Unknown Speaker
And the biggest challenge is forgiving yourself. Oh, my goodness, that’s the biggest challenge. How are you giving yourself here? That yes, I really need because like we said earlier, we’re not perfect. And we’re gonna make mistakes in every walk of life. But we just have to know that God is with us, and that we can give ourselves room to make mistakes.
Dr. Connie Omari
Why is forgiving yourself? I think that’s even harder, mostly. Because I think sometimes if we can’t forgive myself, we don’t even know how to forgive other people.
Unknown Speaker
That’s a key point. That is a key point is like, because we are so hard on ourselves. And we have to feel like we have to dot every I and cross every t all the time. But we’re not going to we’re going to make mistakes, we’re going to do things that’s not right, we’re going to have to ask for forgiveness time and time and time again. But you just have to know that we are in a place of a blessing if we can’t forgive.
Dr. Connie Omari
And I think another thing that makes it hard and I’m interested to hear from you is people confuse forgiveness with forgetfulness.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, no. Right? There are two separate things. And you’re exactly right. Because just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you forgive, because some of the acts that were against you, you won’t forget, you know what I’m saying? You just have to know that. Okay, I can remember, but forgive you at the same time. And don’t harbor forgiveness in your heart, but just know that I’m forgiving you. And also forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be in my life. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, you can forgive someone? Exactly right here from a distance. Yes. I like that.
Dr. Connie Omari
I like that, too. And I also I know, I wonder if it’s okay to mention, are we talking about the novel that you don’t want to mention that? Because you told me Can we talk about here? Okay. You told me that it was about a sexual assault experience. And I’m assuming was there any type of forgiveness in this book?
Unknown Speaker
Um, oh, yes. It’s like, when I just finally released the forgiveness, it was hard, because I was holding on to it. Because the pain was so real. The pain is real. And it was like, Okay, God, are you serious? I have to forgive this person after what they did to me. And yes, you do. Because forgiveness didn’t only hurt me as a child, it hurt, but it just hurt period. You know what I’m saying? It’s gonna hinder you from reaching your full potential, if you hold on to it.
Dr. Connie Omari
And that was so brave. Because it was so now that I realized the person that novel was you. I just thought, Oh, really? Okay. I’ve been very vocal about this on my show as well. So I’m also a survivor of a sexual assault. And I tell you some of the things that people will say, you know, that will kind of make the I mean, sometimes we can say things are actually even worse than than the assault. I’ve had people say get over it. I’ve had people say, it wasn’t that bad. wasn’t that bad. Look how many people that words, even look where you are now, to position me to this type of work, but I didn’t I wish I didn’t have to learn that way.
Author Patricia Bower
I would have chose another test.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes. But so how can you speak to someone who is struggling? In that area of just, you know, their feelings are valid, they have been Yes. And you know, and things are wrong. And a lot of times in this is black, white, purple, blue ellipses. We don’t even believe the people. A lot of times the person is a respectable person in the community. So we’re like, No, Uncle Johnny could never do that. You know, sometimes it’s apparent. Yes. Yes, I will say this real quickly. Because I say it every time I get a chance. But most sexual assault that happens to children happens by a loved one. Yes, someone that you trust. It is not a stranger. So how does a person who is in a situation like that? Forgive expecially? When they don’t feel like Wolf one when they don’t feel like, right. But for two, when the people in their environment is, you know, it is a little bit easier to forgive someone if they say I’m sorry, yes, you know, but I can be honest.
Author Patricia Bower
But it’s like everyone is different. There are no two people that are the same. And what worked for me may not work for you, your approach may be different. And I address that in my book about forgiveness. You just have to be patient for one patient with yourself. And just patient to know that you can work through your feelings on your own time. Like I said, it’s no manual that says okay, you do this, this, this and this, and you will be released forgiveness. But no, you just have to just test different stuff, do different things, to figure out what helps you move from one place to the next. You know what I’m saying? Yes?
Dr. Connie Omari
How can a person and this might be a little specific, but how does a person recognize when they are struggling with unforgiveness
Author Patricia Bower
shows up in everything in your life? You may not know it, but I think, you know, like, for me, it was like I had a kind of self righteous attitude. You know, it was like, oh, what you did to me what you did to me, but it wasn’t, I wasn’t considering what I was doing to myself, but not releasing forgiveness. Just take it one day at a time. And that might sounds like sound like a cliche, but for real is you have to take one day at a time. You have to.
Dr. Connie Omari
Is there anything that you wish black families knew about forgiveness,
Author Patricia Bower
a lot of times they think that, like I said, the process, they don’t have to embrace the process, they just have to know that it is a process, it’s not going to be an overnight thing, you have to do the work and just know that you can release forgiveness in your life, you can, regardless of what society says, regardless of what your friends say, regardless of what different people tell you, you can forgive, and you can let the past go.
Dr. Connie Omari
Where do we as a community struggle the most? And what can we learn from it?
Author Patricia Bower
I will say communication, whether it is with your spouse, whether you really loved ones, we just don’t communicate, we do not communicate. We don’t communicate, we don’t. And what was the second part of your question? Just what can we? What can we learn from it to communicate, I think I think we just have to just trust more. And just know that, you know, your feelings may not be received well all the time, but they’re your feelings. And you can express them, and you can feel the way you want to feel and just communicate. Because how do I know how you feel unless you communicated? That to me?
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes. I don’t know if this if this episode has been released at the time that this will be released. But I did a I did an episode on cutting people off. Oh, wow. Yes. And I think we have a very toxic perspective about that. Because this 2020 I mean, if you ain’t doing for me. You know, I gotta deal with Yeah, right. And that’s supported by our cultural norms that’s reported by our society, sports generationally. We see it on TV as a social media all the time. But yet, as a therapist, I get all these clients talking about I’m lonely, you know, friends, I’m not married, I want to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to connect with people. And I’m like, Well, you know, you might want to try a little bit more forgiveness, and a little bit less cutting people all every time something. Does it. rub you the right way? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So how do we know when we need to Forgive, we always need to forgive yourself. So where do we know when we need to forgive and maintain closest with a person and forget it from a distance
Unknown Speaker
I’ll just say just take it. Like I said, I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but it’s the truth, you just have to take every situation is different, every situation is going to be different. So you just have to take it situation by situation, and just do all that you can do to rectify any discord among you, and someone else will never talk to you.
Dr. Connie Omari
But I’m talking about your books a little bit into the show. Okay, but I’d like to know if you had any resources on the top of your mind that you think could help black families.
Author Patricia Bower
Definitely forgive Santa therapist. Yeah. Seriously, I mean, that’s something that the black community don’t embrace this. Well. We don’t feel like outside help, professional help, can benefit us and which is wrong. Wrong. We have to just embrace all that is out there to help us because the goal is getting better. Yes, it
Dr. Connie Omari
is. It is. I love that seeing a therapist. So we’re still developing our directory, but we will be having black therapist list their profile soon. Yes. Great. Yes. Great. Yes. Is there anything that you’ve read or listened to recently, again, aside from your resources, that could also help black families forgive? Well, I
Author Patricia Bower
would say I look at a lot of Christian TV and inspirational stuff. And that works for me. But that may not work for everybody, because everybody may not be in that vein. But you just like I say, you just have to find your way. And your way may not look like my way and my way may not look like your way. But just find your way. Whatever we’re exactly, exactly.
Dr. Connie Omari
Is there a myth about forgiveness that you can address real quickly?
Author Patricia Bower
A myth? Oh, boy, I would say that you can live productively without forgiveness, ah, that people think that I don’t have to forgive you. You know, I don’t want you true.
Dr. Connie Omari
That’s exactly what I’m saying. Because when you’re cutting people off, then you’re miserable. Like I said, trying to find me talking to me. Yeah. So yeah, we definitely need to get familiar with forgiving if you want to live your best life. Yes. Of all the things in particular, is there just one thing that really stands out? That you want black people to understand? Yeah, trust
Author Patricia Bower
yourself. I think that’s something that we don’t do. We can we believe in other people, and we seek other people. But we need to trust yourself, and trust our feelings and just move to know that we can live a better life.
Dr. Connie Omari
Love it. Sometimes that’s hard to do it is especially in trauma, people who’ve been told that their feelings don’t matter, or that they’re not important. All right, Patricia, this is a time in the show that we’re gonna go to a segment called what’s good. So what’s good, basically includes a hypothetical situation where I just just go something out that one of our clients could be going through and then I would ask you advice for how you would approach it. Oh, boy, no, you got this.
Author Patricia Bower
You got okay. Okay,
Dr. Connie Omari
all right. Lee, Donna. Donna isn’t a marriage for over 14 years, she knew she wanted to have kids. But after trying for seven years, just decide that the children were not in the plan for her. However, until recently, Donna has been happily married. However, she just learned that her husband has been unfaithful, and has a child with another woman. After careful consideration, she shows that marriage cannot progress. And she wants to be cordial with her husband, because they’ve been married for so long. She knows that in order to do this, she needs to forgive him. But she just doesn’t know. How do you have any advice?
Author Patricia Bower
Oh, boy. Yes, like I said earlier, she has to be true to herself, her feelings matter. And her husband hurt her deeply. So she has to realize that her feelings count and that she can forgive him but it’s going to be on her own terms. Yeah. And like I said, there isn’t a manual that says okay, do this, this, this and this to forgive she just have to work through her feelings and be true to herself.
Dr. Connie Omari
Very good. Very good. And a great way resource to do that is as you stated, getting a therapist, but doing some writing as Yes, yes, yes. Well, Patricia, before I let you go, can you tell our guests a little bit about where they can find you and get some of your resources? Yes,
Author Patricia Bower
my website is edifying. you.com and that is edifying. And you were spelled out while u.com and They can just follow me there. And they will be able to find out the different projects and their release dates and stuff like that.
Dr. Connie Omari
Very good. Awesome. And you have three of your books so far there. Yes.
Author Patricia Bower
They can order. They’re not physically in the bookstore. But you can order online, Amazon. You got it. Got it.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, it has been a pleasure.
Author Patricia Bower
It’s been a pleasure being here. It really has. Awesome. Well, thank
Dr. Connie Omari
you again. Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. And thank you for inspiring our audience. So forgive me, yes.
Author Patricia Bower
Thank you so much. Take care. Okay, you too. Bye, bye.
Dr. Connie Omari
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast, where we connect black families to black therapists. Since you’ve listened all the way through, come on in and join the family. If you haven’t done so yet. Please join our free community where we offer weekly trainings and monthly giveaways. We can be found on Facebook under the black marriage and families matter Facebook group. And since you’re serious about joining our family, we also invite you to join our all and campaign which signifies your commitment to go all in not only for yourself, but in helping us reach more people by downloading this podcast wherever you are listening to it, leaving us a review and subscribing to our YouTube channel. This really helps us reach more people and change more lies. After all, Dr. Martin Luther King once said, we can all get more done together than we can apart. With that said, I want to encourage you to share this episode with just three other people who you think might also benefit from our community, and what we are offering with the hopes that all of you can join are all in campaign. When you’re done, simply click the link all in campaign in the bio and receive a free copy of my course entitled goodbye toxicity, which is valued at $297. This course will help you to work through some of the difficult experiences that arise in most of our relationships. And it’s completely free to you with your commitment to join our all in campaign. We look forward to connecting with you every Monday and Wednesday. Thanks for listening!