Welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast where we connect black families to black therapist. On Mondays, you will receive direct therapeutic support from a licensed therapist or professional connected to the mental health field. They will provide therapeutic and educational resources to help you have a healthier relationship with your family members. On Wednesdays, you will receive direct tips and resources to help you get through the stuck places that prevent many people from having relationships with their families and significant others that they desire. On Fridays, we want you to visit our blog which can be found at WWW dot black MFT matters.com which holds additional resources and action steps that you can begin implementing immediately to improve your relationships. This is necessary because we love that you are listening. But we want you to take action to while you are there. Please grab our A to Z relationship bootcamp and be provided with the skills you need to immediately communicate better within your relationships. Please note that while the therapists on podcasts are therapists, they do not serve as your therapist unless you have signed a confidential agreement with them confirming that relationship. Thank you in advance for listening. And we hope you are inspired. All right. It’s time for the show. Here is your host, Dr. Connie Omari.
Dr. Connie Omari
We connect black families to black therapists. Today, our guest is Shamyra Howard.
Hi Shamyra
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Hello Dr. O, thank you for having me.
Dr. Connie Omari
Thank you for being here. It is such a pleasure. So let me start with a brief introduction about you. Is that okay? That’s fine. All right. Perfect. Okay, should Mary is a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice serving the Baton Rouge, LA and surrounding areas. She specializes in sexuality and relationships. As a graduate of Southern University and a&m college and Southern University at New Orleans. And having studied as widen the university’s human sexuality program. shimira is able to work with a very instruction of clients including those battling depression, anxiety, pregnancy, parenting, peer relationships, and those of the LGBTQ community. Those who identify as bisexual, transgender, gay, lesbian, Holly, Pan, BDSM, and Kiki or otherwise will find a safe, non judgmental sex positive space to discover areas in which they will likely grow, which they may or may not have anything to do with their sexuality. shimira is down to earth supportive, interactive and straightforward. Her approach is to provide professional feedback support, and help you overcome personal challenges. If you’re looking for the best therapy in Louisiana, buy the best therapist in Baton Rouge, please contact shimira She was also a sexologist, sex and relationship therapist, Amazon Best Selling Author and sought after international speaker she was named one of the most influential dating experts of 2019. That’s awesome.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Thank you.
Dr. Connie Omari
You are very welcome. And you know, you probably I don’t know about you. You talk about this stuff all the time.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
My palms are sweaty.
Dr. Connie Omari
What is that about the nervousness that you experience?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Well, it’s probably because the reason a lot of people get nervous when we started talking about sex, it’s probably because of the reason why a lot of people come sit on the green couch in my office, or they call me and email me and they talk about some of the issues they have with sex is very unsettling. And sex, unfortunately, is still very seen, but it’s still very taboo to talk about. So depending on your upbringing, depending on the messages you receive about sex or you’ve received about sex growing up and also the messages you currently tell yourself, it can be a little unsettling, they make you a little bashful.
Dr. Connie Omari
What is funny to the irony is my husband edits my podcast and I know that this is probably fidelity if you want to his favorite good yes. Now in your work, do you work more with women as opposed to men?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So that’s a great question. I work with a lot of different people being in so this is a highly specialized area in being here in Baton Rouge, Louisiana in a Bible Belt. I see a lot of different people, I will say that the majority of the people I do see are women. But I do see a surprisingly amount of men in my practice. Of course, they likely come in as a couple, but I do see a lot of men individually. And I am really, really proud of the fact that a lot of men trust me, especially black men, they really come in and trust me with the issues that they have going on. So I see about 20% Men 80% women.
Dr. Connie Omari
Wow, that is awesome. I think that is still a high number. Well, so are men still having these feelings about sex? Or is it just us women?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Everybody has issues with sex, because it’s something that we are. Our sexuality is something that we’re born with, and it’s with us until we die. Okay? So men have issues, women have issues, people of other genders have issues. So we all have issues as it relates to sexuality. We have questions. There’s lots of misinformation out there. So people come in bashful, sweaty palms, come in ready to see something different, ready to do something different. Also ready to be normalized. A lot of people are pleasantly surprised that a lot of the things that they think are issues or dysfunctions are regular and normal occurrences that happen to people with bodies with bodies.
Dr. Connie Omari
I heard a statistic one time and I’d like you to weigh in on this. Is it true? That MIT we both lie about saying that men are more likely to inflate the numbers and women are likely to decrease the numbers?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Yes, absolutely. I’m glad you asked me that question too, especially since we’re having this conversation, in my experience. And of course, the research also says that, you know, men are more likely to inflate the number of people to have sex. And that is due to how we view sexuality here, right? So for women, sex is something that we aren’t supposed to have a lot of, we’re not supposed to really enjoy it as women and so we get kind of bad name. If we have sex with two people in our lives. However, if we, you know, it’s almost it’s their their rite of passage, it’s a rite of passage for men to be able to conquer as many women sexually as they can. And so because of this, and because of of course, the patriarchy, it’s important for men to be seen as a manly man, when he is able to say I’ve had sex with all of these people, even if it’s not true.
Dr. Connie Omari
I know the flip side, we can’t tell if we’ve had more than two.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Because when it’s way more taboo for us, like, you know, there’s this joke that, you know, women are expected to be experienced, sexually experienced virgins. Yeah, it’s a lot of sin. Gosh, where does that come from? So historically, the way we view sexuality, the way we view sex for women is that women, sexuality and having sex with being engaged in sex was historically not for women’s pleasure. Huge problem, and it’s something that we are not claiming in 2020 and beyond. No, we’re not doing it. But we’re definitely not doing it now. But historically, that was something that was done to women. And it was something for men to get from women. So it was done to us. Right. So we weren’t supposed to be enjoying it. It was for the male to get pleasure from a nap for us.
Dr. Connie Omari
That’s true. That is so true. But didn’t get the memo. about it. You know, because a lot of I haven’t played the example at the end of the show that I was gonna go into what sometimes I think men still think that they are giving us six and that kept us alive.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Yes, they think they’re given us. So that’s a whole other thing. Right? So conquering sex and having sex done to us is another thing. But also if I’m understanding you correctly, is like men think that they are doing women a favor like they’re providing us with something that we can’t get, or that is so super clever. So super great, that we should take it in any way that they give it to us. And that is a huge problem. especially as it relates to the sexual pleasure of women, because that means that you are not in tune with women’s pleasure, especially sexual pleasure. And we know that historically, women’s sexual pleasure has not been something that has been valued. And so when we take that notion of sex is something that men are given us, we are allowing ourselves to succumb to that notion that sex isn’t supposed to be something pleasurable, it’s not something that we are supposed to speak up on and know our bodies and know what to ask for. And demand our pleasure. And guess what?
Dr. Connie Omari
That’s Oh, let’s follow you. But yeah, that’s Oh, we know the one with the clitoris. Yes.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So if you know anything about the function of the clitoris is only for pleasure. Like the function the clitoris is, you know, way more studied now. And we now know that the clitoris isn’t just what we see, when we look at our labia between our labia we know that the clitoris is it actually extends four inches inside of our bodies. And so we know that yeah, we have an inner clitoris. And we have the outer clitoris the part that you can see, right? So we aren’t the only ones that have this clitoris, this pleasure button. But we are the ones whose pleasure is usually ignored or not valued. Nobody else has this, except with people with labia involve us is lovely.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love it. It’s me, it makes sense. I’m getting shut down. But I’m gonna go there because we got to talk about pressure on the clinical Culinaris it is like a button, you’re gonna get like bad news. And that’s why it feels that way. Now, let me ask you this, because we’re gonna go with it. But basically, sex is something that we have traditionally made ourselves feel. It’s for men, we feed that narrative by what you say society and certain messages, boys and girls. Now, where does our history come into all of our sexual history? are just, you know, you talked about women’s bodies being something that we have a lot of control over. So would you say like the history making institution of slavery, things like that.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So if we even if we go back as far as what we know about slavery, right? And what was happening to black women’s bodies, during slavery, as we were taught and how black women’s bodies were even then used for consumption of the white slave masters owners and overseers how they were raised, how they became pregnant, for the slave owners, and how they even breastfeed babies that weren’t there. Our bodies historically has always been for consumption of a mane. Right? So this whole patriarchal society and construct is what keeps us stuck. They’re allowing us to be seen as something, again, to be conquered. So that my I say we’re not doing that in 2020, we, we are not allowing somebody to use our bodies for their own consumption. If we are going to lie down and we are going to engage with someone sexually, we are going to get something out of it as well.
Dr. Connie Omari
You claim it by all of us. Everybody who wants it. Now, so we mentioned we mentioned the clitoris, are there other areas?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Or I guess other areas? I don’t know if it’s you know, it’s like how many plates how many different ways can we reach an orgasm?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Oh, so people. So there’s lots of information out there that says that there are so many different ways to have different orgasms. There are G Spot orgasms, a spy pee spots, and all these other spots. So let me say let me tell you something, because it’s already some for some people, it’s already difficult for a lot of people with Ebola is to achieve orgasm. And again, that goes back to not being able to value our own pleasure and not understanding our bodies and not understanding what sexual freedom looks like for ourselves. But let’s go back to orgasm. There are different ways for people to have orgasm. I’m gonna say this, a lot of us get our sexual education from listening to other people and unfortunately, porn. And when I say unfortunately, I am not a person who is against porn. I’m actually role porn when it’s used for erotic purposes, not educational purposes. So porn is okay when it’s used for people who want to use it for erotic purposes, but when people start using it for educational purposes, Is that’s when we kind of get caught up in. Am I doing this dry? I’m not doing this right. I don’t know what to do. I’m not orgasm, and it doesn’t look like how the girl did it in the video or even when we see sex portrayed in TV are on movies. It always looks like somebody listened to this this would it sound like it sounds like somebody’s just getting pounded and then you hear moaning. And then it looks like they both orgasm at the same time. And we know that that’s not real life, right? So if we’re talking about real life, orgasms, sometimes that happens with most people. The research says that most people with vulva need direct clitoral stimulation. So over 80% of people with a clitoris. They need direct clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm which means you got to get your hands moving down there you got to get into position that puts pressure on the clitoris. Some people can orgasm what they say what they call a bastion or cervical orgasm, which is included with the penetration but let me tell you the way the clitoris is set up. What we now know about the clitoris is that orgasms come by way of the clitoris pun intended. So organ because it’s a clitoris extends inside the body. So whichever way you have an orgasm, whether the penis is inserted into the vagina or not, or whether whatever is inserted into the vagina or not, you’re still stimulating a part of the clitoris. The clitoris is homunculus to the penis. So there’s a shaft, there’s bones, there’s a head, and all that other stuff. So whatever type of organism you have, there is no superior orgasms. So there’s no hierarchy of orgasms. So whichever way a person needs or feels great or good to orgasm, whether that’s with a vibrator with the hand, with the lady with a stomach organ and the way up to orgasm. Wow. Wow. Yes.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love it. I’ll be out hearing her. I guess she is bringing it to us with that real concrete information. I appreciate it. I really appreciated. I feel funny, because I was just thinking to myself, when you say the 80% Do the clitoral stimulation? I’m just like I think a lot of times, you know, I guess that goes back to what you’re talking about. We can feel maybe insecure or maybe this is wrong with us. Because we’re not socialized or conditioned to talk about this. Absolutely. That validation about a conversation that I would never have had. And you know, I mentioned it.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Yes, why this is so important.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes, it is. It really is. It really is. So what do you want black families to know about sexual freedom.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So when they think of sexual freedom, and what I want black families to know about sexual freedom is it’s yours. It’s basically what you view as sexually free. It’s not my own definition of it, right? So sexual freedom means first of all, that you are able to be comfortable and expressive in your own sexuality. So however you however you like to express your sexuality, however you like to identify sexually, whatever your sexual boundaries are, how you’d like to experience pleasure, knowing that you’re okay, you’re safe, you’re comfortable, that sexual freedom. So basically, I look at sexual freedom as more of a sex positive experience for all people being able to have these types of conversations in any type of setting without having to whisper you know, covering your mouth without soaking wet after having a conversation. You know, what I’m saying? Making sure that this is normalized, normalizing pleasure, allowing us to have access to information that is free from bias, that is consent and form that is pleasure based, that is medically accurate. That is what I call sexual freedom.
Dr. Connie Omari
Loving love it. How can we work around the differences and sex drive between people in sex work drive? It’s extra? Yes. So one person, you know, might want to do have sex twice a week and another person has like twice a month.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Okay, so that comes up often, when a green couch. A lot of people say, you know, I have a low sex drive or low sex desire, and my partner wants sex more than me, do they not like me? Do they not find me attractive? So I find that that comes up a lot. And that often keeps a lot of couples apart from each other because it creates some distance and some spacing, as you might see, and so another part of owning your sexuality and sexual freedom is, I have this motto that I like to live by and that I like to talk to people about all the time and it’s called Create your own relationship. People often ask and create your own sexual relationship People often ask So, how often should we be having sex? You know, we might end up like, how often do you want to pick the you know, there’s no magic number of what is sufficient. It’s all about what works for the relationship. So most couples have mismatch desire, meaning, like you said, somebody might want it twice a week, somebody might want it twice a month. And so what needs to happen is the way that we prioritize sex has to change, right? So we need to make sure that we’re prioritizing sex and understand that when we’re talking about sex, we’re not just talking about the activity of intercourse, right. What pops up into a lot of people say is penis and vagina penetration as soon as we talk about sex, but also knowing that sex is so much more than that, and I talk about that I have a book called Use Your mouth. And I talk about that and what the difference, the difference in what sexual intimacy looks like. So sexual penetration and activity as a part of that, but also what works for this relationship sexually. Okay, if we’re not having penetrative sex, what else can we do, because there’s a lot of other things that are considered sex. So we also can do mutual masturbation, we can watch each other masturbate. For some people, they like to have our course, which is where you just have non penetrative style sex. There are people who, again, they watch pornography, and they might reenact something from there. And another thing is, a lot of people don’t like this one. Because they think is not spontaneous enough. But it is. And this isn’t for every couple. I don’t recommend this for couples who are not connected in their relationships. Otherwise, I recommend this for couples who are usually busy, but they’re just having a hard time prioritizing the sexual part of the relationship is scheduling sex, right? And I don’t mean, especially when I also talk about this in a book, I don’t mean like, say, Okay, tomorrow, at 7:50pm, when I get home, I want to see you in a doggy style position. And we don’t have sex, it’s more like, hey, this weekend is our weekend, you know, it’s our sexy time. Or when you see me get out of the banter, Destiny, I’m gonna be ready. So it’s more about making it sexy, and it can be spontaneous, right? And so everything that’s important to us, we schedule it. So as it relates to having mismatched desire, what works is for each person in the relationship, to be able to prioritize sex in a way that works for them, but also be able to change what sex actually looks like in the relationship. If you’re not having penetrative sex all the time. What else can you do to be sexually close to your partner?
Dr. Connie Omari
Love it. Love it, love it, love it? Well, as we’ve already stated, you work a lot in the LGBTQ community. As we know, unfortunately, we are still not an LGBTQ, we’re working on being more inclusive. But there’s, you know, there’s still like a lot of stigma discrimination. So what does it look like? But we’re already talking about a difficult topic. And then you add added layers of maybe some LGBTQ stuff where a person, you know, maybe is out or is not out or is being discriminated against? And then to make it even more complicated if we were to add like BDSM, like kinky, like, just all these it has, it can have many layers. So what would that look like in a in a client.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So it looks very different in every client, because every LGBTQ plus person have their own issues. And sometimes it’s not even related to their orientation, or their sexual identity or anything like that. Sometimes it’s related to something else. But a lot of times it is, right. So how they show up at work, how they feel comfortable with presenting, understanding how a lot of people want to know, how do I have sex? How can I do this as, as this type of person who identifies as such, and who’s sexually attracted to this? And who wants to be sexually expressive in this way? How do I navigate that? So it takes some work with getting people here and being comfortable with themselves, but also a lot of harm. Like we have to make sure that the work we’re doing, we’re not allowing, putting our clients in further harm, because it’s dangerous for a lot of LGBT people, a lot of LGBTQ people to be able to express themselves in the way they want to, I think it’s very freeing for them to be able to come sit on the green couch, and to get information about how they can live their lives. So sometimes they can’t, they might not be able to be as expressive as they want to at work. But when they get home, they want to know how do I connect with my partner in this way. And sometimes what happens is, they are so oppressed from just society and work and when they get home, it’s hard for them to even still have that same connection or to have a good connection with their partners at home. So they come here for the same reasons that people who are not LGBTQ come here to increase the intimacy to increase the connection, but also to deal with a lot of the discrimination, the oppression and the fear of just living as themselves. was every day. So that looks differently per person.
Dr. Connie Omari
But I just Yes, I bet I could imagine. I can imagine. Is there anything in particular that you wish black families knew about sexual freedom?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
That is a great question. Especially because I do think a lot of black people. And when I hear some of the things that we talk about, or some of the ways in which we talk about sex and how we view sets, it’s sometimes very heartbreaking. To hear it. I just wish that people understood that there is no right way to be a sexual being. And that’s what I wish a lot of black families knew. Because a lot of us, of course, what I find is pretty universal with a lot of black people I work with is that many of us come from rope, Baptists, especially Southern Baptists come through. We love we love us for very religious backgrounds. And one thing that I want us to know is that you can still love Jesus and still be a sexual being at the same time. And still honor your sexual boundaries, which is it’s conflicting for a lot of people because you’re still a sexual being right? So God made you a sexual being one of my favorite sexologist is Brittany Mitchell. And she does a lot of sex therapy with believers at the intimacy firm. And she has a talk that she called it God created my clitoris. And and it’s amazing, I recommend it for everyone. And often tell a lot of people like you need to consult with her whenever you have some issues that are conflicting with your faith and your sexuality. And so for a lot of black couples, I want them to know that you can still maintain your religious values, but also honor your sexual self at the same time.
Dr. Connie Omari
Oh, I love that. I love it. Well, speaking of honoring our cells, can we talk about oral sex? Oh, guard when they’re talking about being Southern Baptists, you know, it’s bad enough, you know, we’re learning how to have sex, you want to add extra stuff, you know, on top of it, how can people get more free and enjoy both maybe giving and receiving oral sex? resell the Salomon does biblical porn, I tell people that.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
You know, if we’re talking about oral sex, that is not surprisingly, it’s not as taboo as it once was. There used to be maybe 20 years ago, there was or maybe longer than two, there was this like myth that black women didn’t give their men oral sex, that that was like a white person’s thing that white women were I remember, like, that was like for white women. And so people were like, black women, they do it, they just you know, doing it like that. And also, because Hello, black women, we can’t be all we couldn’t be all out with it that was on now we are in the age of information. We’re in the age of social media. So we are in the age of way more expression and exposure than ever. And so it’s not as taboo anymore. So people are now engaging in oral sex in a way that they want to lots of different ways. It’s very, it’s it’s not as taboo, I really don’t have a lot of people having issues with it, except I do have people that I see, like, I see a lot of different people. And so there are some Catholic people who they just aren’t, they can’t get with it. So they are like, Nah, I really can’t do that. I can’t, I just can’t do that. That’s just not okay. And so, okay. I always meet people where they are and work with people where they are. And so we figure out ways for them to still maintain, enjoy their sexuality, but figure out ways to go around it. So for some people they do, they’re still conflicted about it. I always tell people don’t ever feel pressured to do anything that you don’t want to do. Because sex is something that we want to make sure that it’s, of course pleasurable and enjoyable. And for men, it was very sacred and spiritual. And if you’re doing something that you don’t feel comfortable doing, or if you’re feeling forced or pressured, you’re not going to enjoy it. And so that’s going to breed some negative reactions to it, and then we possible trauma. And so, you know, we don’t want to go there. So, I mean, as we as it relates to oral sex, it’s people are getting their oral sex solid.
Dr. Connie Omari
What about their handleset?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
That too, so that’s a whole other thing. You know, that’s something that historically was considered gay sex, which isn’t even a thing. There’s no such thing as gay. Sex, but it was considered the thing that, you know, gay men had no sex as a way for them to engage in sex. But now we know that many other people are enjoying anal sex as well, which is another erogenous zone for many people who like to engage in that way. There are states in
Dr. Connie Omari
Kenya, that you just mentioned in Rogers. erogenous zone. Can you have orgasm? annually?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Yeah, a lot of people have orgasms via a no sex. Okay. Yeah. Well, especially for people with penises. They have their prostate there. And so for them, it said to be very pleasurable there and said that they have their strongest orgasms when their prostates are stimulated. So whether that be via finger or via another Orefice, it said that people with a penis can have a very amazing orgasm once their proceeds are stimulated.
Dr. Connie Omari
Wow. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Good information. Good to know. Where do we as black families struggle the most about sexual freedom.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
I think accepting like accepting what sexuality is what I see is basically accepting sexuality, we don’t really have historically we didn’t have access to the information, being able to be expressive understanding sexuality, accepting having the language to talk to our children about sex. And understanding that sex isn’t inherently a bad thing. So I think that’s where we struggle most with is with the messages that we receive about sex. So it’s okay to have sex. But no, we don’t talk about it. No, you can’t say penis. My kids are used to those terms on a penis penis penis. That’s all I have boy. And a penis penis penis. Oh, no, it’s, I think that where we struggle most is basically having the language and having the information, but also accepting the information. So we have the information, I find that now we’re not accepting it, because that’s not what we were taught for a lot of us is like, Man, I wasn’t taught that. That’s not what I’m gonna go with. I’m gonna call this a thing, and I’m not gonna believe it. And I’m not going to accept it. And I’m going to be very disrespectful with it. So I think we struggle with accepting what sexuality is.
Dr. Connie Omari
Wow, that’s new. We got to accept it. Are you finding that you said you said you had two boys, right?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
My husband and I have four children together and I have to. Okay, my life.
Dr. Connie Omari
So then, did you noticed that there’s just as much of an issue with girls say of vagina, so yes, only boys can use the word penis. So I was trying to clarify that. So like, whether it’s boys or girls, are we also having a hard time saying the word vagina?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So I think what I’m seeing is a lot of us and I don’t think this is specific to race, but a lot of us are giving our children nicknames for their genitals, right. So we call it an eye, an eye, nose, a nose and mouth, a mouth, we’re calling a penis, or we were calling a Baba, a cookie. Net very, that’s not okay. That’s dangerous. And also that contributes to the culture of shame around sexuality. And it teaches children that their body parts is something that they are supposed to embrace, and it’s supposed to be shameful, and they need to give it a nickname. A penis and a vulva is are two different our body parts just like your ears. You wouldn’t call that ear I’m out. So why are we calling a penis? Well, we. Right, right. And it’s also dangerous, because we know that children are molested and sexually assaulted. Yeah. You know, when your kid comes home and says, that took my cookie, or they touch my cookie at school? Calling of all a cookie, you might wish that your child’s being sexually assaulted or molested. Right, that makes so much sense.
Dr. Connie Omari
And just so you know, you did just call me out because as we call it, PP, we call it PT. But then when I was having when I was giving birth to my son, I broke it down to my daughter, and I said, Okay, this is mommy’s vaginas gonna do XYZ. And then I went right back to pap, and I’m like, no.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Because my thing is, why do you teach that and then you have to reteach them the correct terminology. So let’s just start off with the correct or proper anatomical terms, so that they’ll know what this is so that they won’t grow up until we’re talking about sexual freedom. And if we’re talking about sex positivity, giving them the power to use the correct terminology shows that this is this is sexual freedom. It shows a level of acceptance it shows a level of not having a shame towards bodies. It’s about it that’s it?
Dr. Connie Omari
That’s absolutely right. Absolutely right. What is a common myth that you hear often around sexual freedom?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
So one is that I think we kind of maybe touched on this all time. But a myth that I hear is that promiscuous women, and whatever that means. So whatever we determined to be a promiscuous woman is not safe sexually. So they are more prone to have STIs or STD. So that is a myth that we know. Also, another myth is that this whole gender roles stuff, if boys don’t play with boy toys, or if you let boys play with dolls, that they’re going to be gay. That is a whole other myth. So there are lots of different myths that I hear released a sexuality. Also, If I hear one of the bigger ones that I really loathe is if you talk to your children about sex, that they’re more prone to engage in sex. That’s one of the ones that really grinds my gears, because the research even disproves that so on so many levels, which is why I’m not understanding why we don’t have comprehensive sexual education across the board, because we know everything else doesn’t work. And we know that the research even shows that the more information our children have about sex, the more prone they are to make more informed choices, the more they are to delay, the onset of big dogs having sex, and the less risky sex they engage in, so they protect themselves more as well.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Good love that love that love that. You that like parents.
Dr. Connie Omari
So it sounds like we’ve been putting our own anxiety and discomfort about this conversation on our children. Now, we’re not about these things based off of inaccurate assumptions.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
That’s absolutely what it is. So we are not comfortable talking about sex. A lot of us don’t have the language to talk to our children about sex. So we don’t we just say stuff like, they’re too young to know that I’m like, now there’s an age appropriate way to talk to children about everything, they under no way it becomes awkward as if we make it awkward as parents. So I always recommend this one resource for people to talk to their children at any age about sex, and sex positive families. So that’s a great resource to talk to you that teach you to talk to your group about sex or to help you find someone who can is that a book that you just referenced? Families is actually a website. They’re also on social media. So yeah, I love them sex positive families.com.
Dr. Connie Omari
Got it. Got it. And it’s just so funny, because even as you were saying about, like naming the body parts correctly, even sex, we call it the birds and the bees, especially when we’re talking about having a conversation with kids.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
And if we know anything about bees, insects, we don’t even want to go there kills the person after they have sex with them. So we don’t know. yet. I think I read that somewhere a while ago, and I was like, Okay, so that’s definitely a reason not to call it the birds and the bees.
Dr. Connie Omari
Wow, that is very interesting. What is one thing that we might have already addressed this, but is there any like if there was one thing that we can choose? And if everything you know about sexual freedom, What can Black families take away? What would you want black families to take away from it today?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
I want black families to get some real sex education. That’s what I want. I want us to do real sex education, not the STI, not just the STI STD prevention stuff. I want us to get more real sex education, but that sex education that is comprehensive and inclusive of all sexualities, that is based on pleasure, you know, that is consent informed that discusses consent, because that’s huge. I just want to get the information and not just get the information. But I want us to apply it to our lives because we can literally Rex education saves lives. And we know this the research tells us this and the more information we have the more accessible to the information. We are we know that we can save as many lives children are completing suicide and way higher rates than ever before. We know that children who feel safe with talking to their parents about sexuality, they are less likely to attempt and engage or complete suicide. So I just want black families to know that we can save our children if we have sex education.
Dr. Connie Omari
That is so good and And I always like to tell my parents this if you don’t talk to your kids about sex somebody. Okay? He said, We are all sexual creatures.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
We all are and that whether or not we engage in sex or not, so choosing not to have sex is still exercising your sexuality. So people need to understand that right? And you are so right about if you don’t talk to your children about sex, someone else will my kids come home. And because we talk about sex openly in our house, in age appropriate ways, of course, our children come home and they talk about stuff that people talk about on a bus. And it was a conversation that they heard on a bus about masturbation. And they didn’t say masturbation. But they were saying that some boys on the bus were saying, if they masturbate, they get taller.
Dr. Connie Omari
I remember for me, I remember hearing and I believed this for probably two or three years that if a man pays in a woman, she’ll get pregnant.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
You see what I’m saying? I remember, I remember I used to watch. I don’t remember what the show was. But a long time ago with my mom, we watched this show. And a girl was on there saying like after you have sex, you need to get a Coca Cola and shake it up and allow it to go inside of your vagina and don’t get pregnant. And I don’t remember what that was all over. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, that’s not that’s how we don’t do it. Imagine that would really be on top of all kinds of infections. Literally thought you pour the coke in there. Yeah, you shake it up. And this is my book. You remember when Coca Cola came in a glass bottle, you shake it up in the glass bottle. We open it and allow it to explode inside the vagina.
Dr. Connie Omari
Oh my god. parents talk to your kids.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Okay. That’s what I call prevent pregnancy. Okay.
Dr. Connie Omari
All right, we’re now going to transition to the part and part of the show that we like to call what’s good. So what’s good is when I give a hypothetical scenario, but then ask your expert feedback. Is that okay? That’s fine. All right, me, Patty. Patty is a 72 year old black woman has carried eight children bolter to premature babies and a stillborn she loves her kids. It says that, that her biggest contribution in life has been through the lenses of her children. But recently she has been unfulfilled and decided to try therapy. It was in therapy that she learned that a woman could have an orgasm. Yeah. After bourbon nine children, Patty had never had an Oregon at 72 years old. She wants to go home and speak with her husband about it to finish she can experience this, but she has no idea where to start. How would you advise her?
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Oh, wow, I love that. That sounds so familiar. You know, it’s also sad to hear I always get a little sad when I hear people who say that they’ve never had an orgasm. But at 72 I can imagine that that’s a thing because my grandmother is 92. And I’m sure she’s never had an orgasm. But what I would talk to her about basically I would talk to her about the functions of the vulva and the vagina, talk to her about you know, erogenous zones. And usually at that point, we will talk about ways for her to explore the area first, before I even introduced her to any type of apparatus or tell her to masturbate because I know a lot of people go straight to oh, just go masturbate. Right. So I will talk to her more about having dates with her Volvo emulated our skate calls these V dates. So we’re in a mirror and you look at these extra Valva in a mirror. One of my favorite exercises to do at seminars and workshops. And let me I don’t actually do this is one of my favorite exercises to tell people to do. I would instruct her for a little while to just get comfortable because chances are she’s not had an orgasm before she’s probably not explored her that area of herself before. So I will talk to her about maybe getting a little more acquainted with herself. And once she feels a little bit more comfortable. We can talk about manual stimulation of the clitoris and all of a Dinah as well and then I would introduce something small to her like a small vibrator or something that vibrates or something like that. And then we will talk about that experience.
Dr. Connie Omari
Very good. I love that awesome, awesome all seeking. So I want to make sure that you tell us a little bit more before you go about your book. Use your mouth. When I hear the title I think oral but is that
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
I love this when I first made Use your mouth brain, I may use your mouth sex and relationship conversation starter cards. And I made these because of course, as a sex and relationship therapist, I see a lot of people who say we have communication problems. And people aren’t talking about sex in their relationships, people who have sex with each other, aren’t talking about sex. So they’re not knowing what each other like. They’re not knowing how to explore. They’re not even having conversations about the relationship. So I made the use your mouth, conversation starters, sex and relationship conversation starter cards first, to help people connect in and out of the bedroom. And to basically because conversations, save relationships and conversations, basically, we need conversations for our relationship to build intimacy, they, we need those. So having these conversations actually bring us together, and it increases intimacy, right. So after I made the cards, people want it more, they were like expansion pack, blah, blah. And then people were still talking about they, you know, wanted more intimacy. So whenever they will come in. And whenever I asked people about what intimacy means for them, or what’s intimacy, they go straight to sex. They’re like, well, we have sex about three times a week. And so I realized that the reason why people didn’t feel as connected is because they didn’t really understand intimacy fully outside of the sexual realm. So I wrote a small pocket sized book. It’s called Use Your mouth packetized conversations, to simply increase seven types of intimacy in and out of the bedroom. And so the book is basically it’s a very short read. It’s basically to help couples understand different types of intimacy, including sex, because often we hear, they only touch me when they want sex, and I want more intimacy. And so a lot of people were like, well, what does that mean? They’re like, I just want you to just be closer to me. And so the book actually helps to define what that mean for a lot of people. So it can be found on my website on the green couch.com. And it is an Amazon number one best seller.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yay. Congratulations. Congratulations. So tell us your website again, real quickly.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
The website is all in the green couch.com.
Dr. Connie Omari
Okay, and I was just looking on your website. So it looks like though you’re located in Baton Rouge, and surrounding areas, you can serve as the whole states that correct your telehealth? Yeah. Yes. And she can you can follow her on Instagram. Yes.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
My Instagram handle is sexologist shimira. I’m also sexologist shimira on Facebook, and I’m on there on Twitter, but I’m not on Twitter. I just share. Twitter. Can’t really understand Twitter. Fast. Oh, Instagram, though and Facebook as sexologist shimira.
Dr. Connie Omari
Love it. Love it. Love it. You have brought a wealth of knowledge for us today. You talked about some very, I don’t want to say taboo that it shouldn’t be. But I think we still internalizing that way but you made it safe. You talked about positive way. And I have learned so much. I’m reading your book. And I want to direct my audience to that as well.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Thank you so much. So welcome.
Dr. Connie Omari
Thank you for this interview. I truly appreciate it. And I can’t wait for us to follow up soon.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
Same here. Thank you for inviting me. I’m so glad that we’ve got to meet.
Dr. Connie Omari
Fantastic you take care you have a wonderful day.
Shamyra Howard, LCSW
You too. Thank you so much.
Dr. Connie Omari
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