Dr. Connie Omari
Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast where we connect black families to black therapists. Oh, right. We have a special therapist with us today. She is a longtime friend and a colleague that I have worked with before in the past and we are so blessed to be able to share her with you today. Her name is Danielle McDowell. Hi, Danielle.
Danielle McDowell
Hey, thanks for having me. You are very welcome.
Dr. Connie Omari
We are so honored to have you here today. Danielle is a self described warrior who shares her experiences from being broken and confused to a successful resident in counseling advocate, best selling author and speaker. She’s a former high school teacher and mental health professional. Danielle has channeled her passion for empowering others through coaching and counseling them to identify their assets and uncover their inner warrior mindset and intuitive and results oriented leader herself. Danielle engages and leads her clients through dynamic and interactive interactive transformations. She’s devoted to working with adolescents, adults and couples from all walks of life. As a mother of three she knows firsthand the difficulties that individuals face while managing their responsibilities while accomplishing personal goals. With a commitment to serve. She offers the community wisdom, encouragement and supportive resources to help individuals meet their goals using a transparent approach. Her playful delivery style allows for individuals to gain wisdom without all the seriousness. She prides herself in relaying a message to her clients that’s easily understood and provides real solutions to everyday problems. Danielle aims to create a safe and non judgmental therapeutic environment and welcomes her free expression and exploration. She maintains a collaborative approach and encourages her clients to remain curious as they work to achieve their goals. Oh my god, Danielle, if I didn’t already know you, I would want to know you by reading that.
Danielle McDowell
Thank you. Thank you. I work really hard. Good. Well, well, good.
Dr. Connie Omari
But you also work hard in your life to be all of that.
Danielle McDowell
I do I do. And I think I was definitely led by God to be be in this work. And I didn’t I don’t do this work like so. Very passionate about helping other families just because I’ve had that own help in my own family and for my son. Very good, sir. Very good.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, I appreciate that. And I’ve said this before on the podcast, and I know I’ll say it in the future. One. I love the way the counselors who come on this show allowed God to use them and place them in people but I love the transparency because as a therapist myself who’s committed to this work, I don’t see how people can come out here and do this if they’re not willing to go through it themselves. I agree. Yeah. And your approach is so personable that it seems very welcoming. So yeah. So so as you know, you know, I want to talk to you today and I think I was telling you this before we started this conversation this topic makes me nervous girl, because it’s so it’s personal. I’m not gonna lie. I am an adult. survivor of sexual trauma. People who follow me people who have been in my work know this problem in the black community. With Yeah, most definitely. Yeah.
Danielle McDowell
So many layers.
Dr. Connie Omari
What does that mean?
Danielle McDowell
So when you think about trauma, you just mentioned sexual trauma, but there’s so many other types of trauma and layers like generational trauma. So when you talked about the topic, and you gave me the word trauma, there’s so many different things, complex trauma, the toxic stress behind different things. So it’s big, it’s like a big thing. And it’s difficult to talk about in a few minutes of upside down. And I’m hoping that we’re able to tap into some of that information that black families can use, so that they can see that there is hope. And there’s help, and there are resources, and they’re things you can do if you’re experiencing trauma.
Dr. Connie Omari
Gosh, Danielle, you know, I’m a clinician, you’re a clinician, we’ve been trained for this stuff, but a lot of our audience has not. So one is trauma. So trauma is
Danielle McDowell
stress, but it’s like toxic levels of stress. So we all experience stress, stress, we tend to think stress is bad. But stress is not bad. Having stress is not bad, because you can be anxious about getting married, right? Yes, provides a little bit of stress, that doesn’t mean it’s bad. But then there are other situations where the stress can be at toxic levels. And it can cause trauma, it can also be thing that happened to you. So like, for instance, you mentioned about sexual abuse. And that was an experience that caused something traumatic in your life. So when I think about trauma, I think about either thing, or stress or that’s affecting your functioning in life. And your ability to function. Okay? Okay.
Dr. Connie Omari
You’re alive life that affects your ability to function. In your practice, is there a form of trauma or a form of functioning, that you see more often than other than others that people might need to look out for?
Danielle McDowell
What typically, I see a lot of childhood trauma, things that happen in childhood, that are affecting families. So parents are being affected about by things that happened to them when they were young children, and they’re bringing that into their adult experiences. And then their kids are now being affected by things that have happened to them. And I can’t speak to it being just like one specific thing. But individuals who have experienced experienced like really bad poverty, who just want environments where there was abuse in the home, be it physical abuse, or emotional abuse, and bringing those different experiences into their own families, and it becoming a generational thing. So mom experienced it, grandma experienced it. And now I have this teenage daughter in my office that is hurting from things that happened years and years ago, but it’s trickling down to her. So I see a lot of that was families that I’m working with currently here in the Hampton Roads area.
Dr. Connie Omari
And what makes it hard, like, what makes it hard for people, one to recognize that this is trauma, and to to prevent the trauma from being passed on from one generation to the next?
Danielle McDowell
Well, I think part of it is the education piece in when we speak specifically to the black community. There are some barriers for the black community when it comes to mental health support. A couple of those barriers are please
Dr. Connie Omari
I was like, please tell us what these barriers are the lack of resources for someone that’s competent?
Danielle McDowell
And so when I say competence, we need more black therapy, connect and be competent and help support our black families because we have a unique experience. And I know that there are courses where other individuals other therapies, other therapists of other ethnicities can go take this course, and learn our experience. So sometimes I feel it’s a little bit more deeper than just the textbook. And so when I have black families come in, I can relate to them in a way that another person of another ethnicity may not be able to relate them for a shared experience. So I think that’s part of it. And also resources so having families who have limited resources and feeling like they don’t have the money for them. the support they need. So some of my clients come in, and they can use things like Medicaid to cover. But if they need like couples therapy, Medicaid cover no couples, right, right. And there are limitations to some of the insurance policies that lower income people can use to seek out the service. And then there are limited services available. And that’s just one piece of the puzzle. The other piece is the distrust that black families have when it comes to mental health support. And they have valid reasons. Because historically, when individuals of color would seek out support, that could mean that they were hospitalized girl
Dr. Connie Omari
preach it.
Danielle McDowell
Or it could mean that they were sterilized and just unfairly diagnosed, unfairly treated. And we still have some of that in our community today, not to the same significance. But we are still seeing trends of black individuals being diagnosed and correctly more often. With things like ADHD. I see that so much in Blackboard. Yeah, just little black there.
Dr. Connie Omari
Just be a little boys. Yeah.
Danielle McDowell
So I understand the barriers, I’m hopeful to be a change agent. And my small way to help black families feel safe to know that I’m a therapist who gets it. And I’m a therapist, who cares. And I’m also a therapist who has utilized the service. So I’m not telling people to go do something that I haven’t had to experience for myself, because, like you, I have a shared experience of sexual trauma. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. I have a daughter that struggle with mental health things. And we’ve had to utilize these services to help heal ourselves. So when I go speak, and educate my community, I speak very transparently from a space of I’ve used it. So I’m not telling you to do something that I don’t know firsthand, I’m not speaking from a textbook, I’m speaking from experience, too. And that’s helpful. But we definitely have those barriers in place. And so I’m very passionate about this, even how to, like,
Dr. Connie Omari
no girl, keep it, keep it coming, keep it coming, because we need to hear this, I want to piggyback off of something you just said, because I think it was very powerful in my practice, and I’m not gonna lie in my personal life, when certain traumatic events have happened, such as sexual abuse, a lot of the language that I hear and have received was, well, it happened to me. And you just said, you know, you can share as much about this as you’re comfortable with, but you said you are a survivor of sexual trauma. And then you said your daughter’s had her mental health challenges, but you got her help. You did not say what well, even if you said, Well, it happened to me, it was common, but I’m gonna help you. And that sounds like what needs to start to be able to break the cycle to break the pattern. So can you tell our listeners a little bit more about how to get from? Well, it happened to me, because we agree that this is a generational thing has happened to a lot of our parents and grandparents and great grandparents. But the point is, what when How did the light bulb go off in your head that says, it stops here, we’re going to break the cycle. And I’m going to get my daughter some help.
Danielle McDowell
Oh, really, because of my experience, I was in such a dark place. And for many years, I was spiraling. So I have a twin sister who witnessed my spiral is in that dark place. I didn’t see hope or reasons for moving forward until I got pregnant with my daughter. So she became my light. So in parenting her, and seeing that she started to struggle, I didn’t want her to be in that dark place. Because I knew what it was like. And I wanted to do everything in my capacity to help her have a better experience. So she doesn’t go on her 20s and her 30s carrying things and that she has a better opportunity of healing it now why she’s young, so that when she has her own family, they won’t be burdened by because I take ownership that some of the hurt that I had experienced in my teens. I brought into my mothering experience, and I’m accountable for that. I don’t see my mothering experience as a failure because I wanted to do some things differently, but I take ownership that there were some things that happened to me that affected my children, period.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, let me add to that. First of all again, I know a little bit about this just because your sister and I are friends and that’s actually how we met but very little I know what you’re talking about. Sure anything but I have seen the growth as well because we were actually International in in South Africa. I believe either when you have the baby or when you are You know, whatever, just to see that from over a decade to go to where you all are today. That’s amazing. But I also want to say something else. I’m a parent too now and we’re, it’s not perfect, we are not perfect. And one of the biggest things that we can contribute to our children is letting them know that and let because because I think what we see, and I’m curious to hear from you, a lot of parents chalk it up to well, I did the best I could, or, you know, I try, et cetera. And, you know, you try, like, we get it, but you still did some damage. And I feel like being able to say that, you know, my, my daughter is obviously a lot younger than yours. So if there are any mental health issues now, it’s a little premature to tell that but she’ll she’s quick to let me know, if I discipline her and I’m wrong for that. Or if if you know what I mean. And it’s so easy for me to say, Well, I’m the mob, you know, I did the best I could information I had, can you talk to our audience a little bit more about how important it is to be able to say, oh, man, I didn’t know that. I know. And I want to get it right.
Danielle McDowell
In that’s really what it is. I had this epiphany, because my daughter is now 18. She is a freshman in Congo girl.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love it. I’m so blessed. So the single mother right there who’s now married, by the way, but she you have done this, like, congratulations.
Danielle McDowell
Thank you. She has her own walking test. Yes. So I played a little part in that. She’s the reason why she is when I sat with her. And I apologize for the things that I didn’t do just right. And I took accountability for that. And it was something that I’ve learned in this process, because I got a really believe I got into the mental health field, not only just to heal my family, but to heal other families. Yeah. And in this work, I’ve been able to do some work and my family, but then extend that education out to my community. And so I’m telling, and I’m working with mothers, and I’m saying it’s okay to apologize to your child, when you don’t get the right to let them know that you are human. And that sometimes you’re going to do what you feel is best for them with the information. Period is as you get more information, and you learn more, then you may change and evolve, but it’s okay to take ownership. If that was the wrong call. If I said it the wrong way, if I did something the wrong way, and take ownership of that. And that helped. That helps the young person to see when I become an adult, it’s alright, for me to also not be perfect to have. So there is no manual for parenting. There is no book that says go to page 67 to see how to deal with this. Right. So we do the best we can. But we also need to take ownership, when we could have done things a little bit differently. Also really empathize with their children’s experience, because their experience. So your perspective may be that what you did was what needed to be done, but your child may see it differently. And it’s okay for your child to have a different perspective. And you can keep your perspective but also ensure that that child feels like they’re being heard. And their perspective is also being respected. And once I make that shift in my family, there’s a different dynamic that me and my daughter have now we’re still working targets. I tell people all the time, I’m still her mother, we are still working through say yes, yeah. Yes, I’m not the expert in mothering. However, I’ve been able to learn through this work, that there are things you can do to improve the relationship and we are improving that relationship each day. And I’m able to help other families do that, and do their work. And see, let parents see that it’s okay to be accountable for things that you feel like you could have done a little differently.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love it. I love it. I find myself often educating parents and caregivers, you know, or spouses or whatever and letting letting them know how important it is to do exactly what you said, when how traumatic it is to do the exact opposite. And I’m interested to hear from you is do you see one of the things that I see is sometimes it is worse than the actual traumatic event. There to have somebody that you trust and you care about and you value. That’s where it boils down to is you value this person’s opinion. And this person tells you I don’t believe you, or I did the best I could or Your perspective doesn’t matter. I mean, a lot of times, especially in context of sexual assault, i Yes, we talk very briefly we talk a lot of my clients will open up and say this happened to me, etc. But it’s the domino effect. It’s mommy saying, Well, you know, you shouldn’t have warned that, you know, our daddy said, Well, why were you playing with him? You know, what did you do to cause it? You know, that is really, what’s harming our community? Would you agree?
Danielle McDowell
I definitely agree with that. And I’ve done a lot of like trauma training. And one of the key things that you see when someone experiences something traumatic from it has a lot to do with their support that they receive. So you can be in pretty challenging environments experience really significant things. But if you have the right support in the right, yes, studies have shown yes, there’s decrease in symptoms, just based on that support. So experiencing that, like sexual traumas, we spoke up and having a family member there, that’s not supportive does help. Even if you, as the parent, do not believe the child, it is not necessary to say that even demonstrate that thought, always act as if it happened, so that the child feels that they can come to you when they need to come to you, period. But a lot of times, I don’t think that in our black families, we have been educated on how harmful it can be, is a thing, like, why are you doing that? So why did you put yourself in that situation? Or it happens to me to lose all very dismissive thing, making the person who was harmed be responsible, or something that happened to them that was out of their control period. abuser who is responsible for their actions, not the person, that’s the victim. But I think that’s the education piece. And, and we have like, some historical kind of girl, yes. Things that we have said to each other, and our families that just keep going from one generation to the next, like, what happens in a house these days and the house, understand where it comes from. But I also think that has hindered and caused a lot of people to carry a lot of hurt. They feel like they can’t voice it.
Dr. Connie Omari
And like I said, there’s not enough of us out there really to voice it to, you know, because you can’t tell it everywhere.
Danielle McDowell
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I’m very transparent. But I’m very cautious in my transparency. So when I speak to clients, I tell them, it’s, it helps to be able to release it. But you always have to pay attention to the environment. And the purpose behind that release. Yes. Because there can be consequences based on your transparency. And having a safe therapist, we can go in the office, shut the door and know that that person will hear what I have to say, and it won’t go out of this room is so important. So we definitely need more trained clinicians out in the field. Yes. Yes, definitely.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, you are really blessing us with your insight. today. Can we talk a little bit about history, you briefly touched on some of the things that we say? What about some of the, you know, behaviors? Or what about Okay, what about one of the things that I see, a lot of is this is in battle, and that is traumatic, which is the premises of this podcast, what we’re trying to address is deep seated things. One of the things that I see and I love my black men, this is not a jab at him. But first of all, what we’re talking about, it happens in all communities, sexual misconduct in traumatic behaviors happens in all communities, okay. But what I think we are struggling with is being able to acknowledge when somebody is being an offender, and behaving in that way for fear that we might interrupt the blackmail narrative that black men are aggressive or black men are, are sexually deviant. You know, and the statistics show that we are no more deviant that other populations, but most deaths, yes, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t internalized those messages. So I know for me, like in my church growing up, one of the people was in the church, and another person was the child of a iPad. A doctor, you know, a black doctor. And it was like, these people could never do these things. One of them was a politician. Yeah, my British is going. So these people could never do these things because they’re in this position, but it was happening. And I felt like the black community kind of made it harder for me to speak up because I was just a little child, you know, this thing was happening to me, the politician, only black politician in the area where I’m located, y’all do your research, if you want to figure out who that is. But there’s no way he could have been the person that was responsible for that. So what I’m saying is what types of, I don’t know, can you speak on like, why the black community why we do that and why we, I guess, more or less, how we indirectly, in our effort to support the black piece, sometimes we have our children, our children are vulnerable.
Danielle McDowell
Yeah. And I don’t know, because that’s a loaded question. Okay. If I could speak to all of you about, I’ll give you some of my personal insights. Okay. So I think one thing you said messaging, and messaging plays a huge part. And we’re consistently getting messages thrown at us, like, currently in Lynchburg, Virginia right now, and I watched the news last night here, okay. And the news, the way that they portrayed the news is very different here, and Lynchburg, Virginia than it is in Hampton Roads, Virginia. Okay. And messaging, messaging, messaging, the way that you see black families portrayed on TVs on media, messaging, messaging. So because we are bombarded thing as any other ethnicity that’s watching this media, we take that message in, but we also have this internal conflict, because we are also black, and we will that that is not 100. Family, and the way the media does it, so Okay, always wanted to come out of I feel like this messaging, that’s false messaging. It won’t feel if we speak to some of the truth of the matter.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes, yes. Yes. It is causing 10 steps back.
Danielle McDowell
Yes. Actually, as a community, we need to combat Yes. Truth in the messaging, because it is true. But also some of the other layers of things that the messaging talk about, like they don’t talk about the big income gap that we have in the black community, and how yes, that income gap significantly affects our abilities, to have housing to house pointment. To have the resources we need to deal with some of the things that cause us to be in certain situations like the example you gave, I thought about the income disparity there this politician, person with money this person, yes, absolutely. Can’t be seen as someone who’s harmful. The answer, I’d have to go back to education, because we seem to think that those who offend must be the spirit Goodman’s Yes, yes. And that that is not please, there.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes, let’s emphasize this, please, please, please, if you are listening, I read an article as many as nine out of 10 childhood survivors or sexual trauma comes from the family or someone that you trust. So what you’re consistently doing is we’re teaching our children to be fearful of the 10% that, you know, the 2% of cases is a stranger, you know, or somebody that you don’t know, but we’re completely disregarding the 90% of who you do know, most and that’s so incredibly dangerous. And a lot of it has to do with proximity, and just being close. I mean, who else? I mean, first of all, no stranger really getting access to my child like I know exactly where they are right now knows, keeping them, I’m paying them so they better do what I tell them to do. You know, like, it’s so yeah, so it’s very important to be able to understand that thoroughly when you’re letting your children as your children exists.
Danielle McDowell
And to teach your children their own unique individual say yourself. So I learned with my daughter that I couldn’t protect her. So because I was assaulted by a male I protected my daughter digitally, right men, right, got it. If I dated someone I would tell you what it is, but I didn’t think about the children. And so like, little kids, assault other kids, there’s no gender to this thing. There’s no age to this thing. There’s no race. In this thing there offenders all over the place. And you really have to teach your children how to keep themselves safe. How to know that no kid, no president, no loved one should be touching you in certain places. Or also teaching them the grooming techniques, so that they are aware of when someone’s grooming them to do something that’s not.
Dr. Connie Omari
It’s starting young,
Danielle McDowell
I really tell people to stop waiting for your kids to get big enough to hurt hear about the person, before you start talking about sexual abuse kind of too late for young people to know young, not age appropriate, for sure, making serious age appropriate, but also having that dialogue when they’re young. So they understand that people should not be touching them in certain ways. And they’re able to identify with someone like that.
Dr. Connie Omari
That’s very good. And I can’t thank you enough for your transparency. I’ll also share, you know, my daughter’s four, I’ve talked about her in the podcast many times. And one of the things that we do is we have this saying, you don’t touch but you don’t touch meal keys because I nursed her. So we call her meal keys. We don’t touch people. And she will say that and recite that. So she’s very clear. And she’s only four years old. She doesn’t really know what that means. But she knows that it whatever it is, that’s my personal space, and you’re not allowed to touch there. And a quick funny story is one day that I tell everybody, you know, everybody like knows that about us if you keep my daughter, and one day my daughter was on a playground with her nanny, and her nanny was, she was trying to I guess, hide the monkey bars. And it was, you know, her nanny just kind of needed to push her up. And it was convenient to push her up on her. But you know what I mean, it wasn’t at inappropriate. But my daughter was just very quick to say, No, we don’t touch but we dealt. And Lanny actually came home and told me to just in case, you know, because she, my daughter’s gonna tell me, and you know, we were, but I bought, like, basically, what I’m trying to say is, I want that narrative that that conversation should be safe. And if you keep if you’re allowing your children to be around people where they might be offended by something like that, or, you know what, you know, I’ve always said, sleepovers like for you just in case you want my kids to sleep over at your house, you need to know, I need to know who’s going to be there. Where are the adults going to sleep? Where are the children going to sleep for how long, et cetera? I need to be very clear about those arrangements. And if you feel like I’m asking too many details, or you’re giving too much information, that that’s a telltale sign for me that you know that this isn’t safe. Yeah, good. I think that parents should all feel that way. Do you kind of think that’s important?
Danielle McDowell
Well, I’m totally very out, tell because I worked with a lot of teams. And I tell the parents, and preteens that you need to know your teams, and your pre teams, friends, parents, and not just know their name, and where they live, kind of know these paths. Because these are the people who are also shaping your child’s thoughts and perceptions about life just as much as you are shaping it, they are shaping it. And you want to know, for safety, what these people are thinking and how they operate. And spend some time with your kids friends, and get to know them to also keep that dialogue open. So your young people, your children know what I need to look out for in these different environments. So yes, I 100% agree it’s a lot of work is speak. Sometimes I get parents pushback. When do I have time to do that? You have to make time? Yes, you just have to make time. That’s just what it is.
Dr. Connie Omari
Be intentional about it. I mean, you can do this, if your kid is young, while you’re brushing teeth, you know, at night when you are bedtime storytime, you know, on the ride to school in the morning, you know, like you were at prayer time when you saying your prayers before grace, you know, a variety of ways, but this is this is very important. One thing I think people I see a lot is people think that if they talk about this, that they’re going to expose their children to sexual behavior, but first of all, first of all, somebody is going to expose them to it, whether you do or not. And also the research shows that it actually delays sexual like promiscuity. It did you know, because a lot of times the curious Yeah, I mean, let’s be real, a lot of what you know, we’re sick. We are sexualizing things like there’s a picture of like a Coca Cola bottle where it is a piece of ice up there. And the ice is in the shape of a woman’s body. You know, it goes you know, so a little kid is drinking that probably doesn’t have that awareness but they’re getting you know, they’re getting in Little longer saying things like boys will be boys or, you know, my son is nursing. So someone might say get it boy or something like that like something, encourage those type of sexual behaviors and they don’t know what to do with them.
Danielle McDowell
Yeah, and the man is even in like the cartoon was set down in one Disney and the messaging in some Disney shows. Yes, that’s, that’s there. So yes, I hope that a parent who hears this podcast, who will take that they should not allow the environment to teach their children about that part of life, about sexuality, about keeping yourself safe, don’t allow the environment to do that for your children, you need to be the person that shares that knowledge with them and make sure it’s age appropriate. And if you need help their resources, I tell people, you can Google just about anything. You have so many resources right before hands. If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, look, there are books, children’s books that you can now buy, and read to your children that will help you with the dialogue about sexuality, safety, and all these different things. So there’s no excuse to allow the environment to give your children that messaging because they need to hear from you the truth to help limit their ability to get into some really bad situations, because then a 10 year olds getting all their advice from other 10 year olds. 18 year old wisdom, yes. Period.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes. And for parents who are so oblivious and think this stuff isn’t happening. Like I’ve had a nine year old, looking at pornography in the schools, you know, because they give you these little iPads a lot of times, and all you got to do is type some stuff in there, even when it has a child lock on it, you can get around it. So yeah, it’s very important to have a conversation. Danielle, I’m going to ask you a couple more questions. And then we’re gonna get to our what’s good segment. But in terms of a history, we’re talking about generational curses. And we briefly spoke about, you know, and this was before, you know, we started recording, but you know, our history has some ugly sexual innuendos too. And I’m wondering, how do you think the influence of maybe the shame of that, or the guilt of that, or the discomfort with that kind of plays into some of the blurred boundaries that we have with sexual contact today?
Danielle McDowell
I definitely think it’s impactful. And also to add the piece that typically you are hired by someone, you know, love and trust. So, layers, we have historical stuff, we have our loved ones who we trust, or people that we have in our lives that do these things. And there’s this conflict. So specifically, because I do a lot of work with young people. They’re not able to compartmentalize things. So it’s really difficult for a young person to to know that. This is my uncle. And my uncle, my family loves my uncle. Yes. And he’s part of my family. And I love my uncle, but my uncle does these things. Right? So because we have all these layers, we have to be tackling it. And lots of different approaches. Because it’s there, we can’t change the history. We can’t change the things that have happened. And but we can change what’s happening right now. We could do some things a little different. And one thing is prevention. Yes. educating our kids so that they understand what to look for how to keep themselves safe. And then the next piece is really, in a black community, being very comfortable with understanding that yes, there is growth and progress in our community. But if we don’t continue to speak to some of the things that are hindering us, yes, we won’t be successful. No, we won’t. And we really need to be comfortable with identifying and I think part of it is not making it feel like it’s just us. Right, you said earlier all have the same issues to a degree. Yes. We just have other issues on top of these issues that make it really challenging to resolve it because we’re also struggling with like you said, racism, the income disparity, the lack of resource. All those things also make it a little bit more challenging. So we have to collectively accept sometimes there are some issues. Yeah, we need to work on this. Yes, we can do the work. Yes. Are there particular
Dr. Connie Omari
Are there any signs that parents might look for because when you mentioned the uncle, you know, one of the things that came To my mind was a lot of times in my practice I’ve seen maybe if you know the person being may be extra nice to the child, or, you know, requesting alone time with the child. Was there anything that you see that really stands out that parents can look for if something like this might be happening?
Danielle McDowell
Those are all grooming tactics, things like having little kids come sit on your lap, playing with them, yes, tickling them, forcing kids to kind of hug and I hate that. Yes.
Dr. Connie Omari
When I was growing up, I would want to hug it my grandma, I would get in trouble if I didn’t have people, you know, and I’m like, I don’t want to hug you.
Danielle McDowell
And that’s, there’s some cultural things there. And I get it, I understand. But I think that we’re in a time now where we really have to pay attention to those, those cultural things that are not helpful in other areas. Absolutely. Those are grooming tactics. Yeah, I love it. Someone who wants to abuse someone is happy to take those cultural things and utilize it for bad things. So I say pay attention to those things. Really, at having that open dialogue, kids so that they can talk to you about things that make you feel uncomfortable when they tell any kid that comes to me follow your instinct. If instinctually you feel something ain’t right. Listen to that. Yes, listen to that thing that says it ain’t right. And get yourself out of this. Yes.
Dr. Connie Omari
And parents support your child when they do that, you know, they might not have the language to say, Uncle Johnny is feels like a creep. You know what I’m saying. But they know how they feel when they’re around them. And by not permitting your child to do that you’re telling your child that their opinion doesn’t matter, and that they don’t have agency over their body. And that sets them up for adult relationships, you know, where they feel like they don’t have any control. And that’s really when we start seeing a lot of problems. Agreed? Yes, Danielle, are there any myths surrounding this issue? And we’ve kind of indirectly discussed it, but we haven’t actually used the word. But is there any myths that you know about this topic, whether it’s sexual trauma or just trauma in general that you think is important to address that we hold in the black community?
Danielle McDowell
I think the biggest one, and I will, I won’t say it is a myth. But I’ll say it’s a challenge that we, we think we can just pray everything. To say that, you know, just just pray about it. If you if you’re, if you’re hurting, then that means you’re not trusting God. And I think that there, there’s a very significant piece of religion. I’m Christian, I 100%. Believe in prayer. I also believe that God trained us as educated as possible help with things to us, along with prayer. Yes. And we can’t just take people who are really hurting in significantly dealing with complicated trauma, and just say, pray it away. Because when they pray, and it doesn’t go away, then they feel like now. Well, my relationship with God isn’t strong enough, because it’s just not healed. When there, there are things you can do along with prayer. It’s a holistic approach to healing. So we want to tackle the mind, body and soul. So this is just that. We need to just pray. Yes. Pray and see theory. Wow. Amazing. Pray to ask God for therapists. How about that? Look at to get one. Yes. So yeah, please don’t feel like if I go to someone a couple of times, and it’s not a good fit that all therapists are bad. You have to do some work sometimes to find that person that fits. Yeah, absolutely.
Dr. Connie Omari
And this is something I can just add real quickly, you know, we’re starting off on this podcast. So at the time that it airs, I don’t know where we’re going to be. But we have our own directory. So please, by all means, if you look on the directory and your state and you don’t see a therapist, then email me contact me. Let me know and I’ll try to find one for you. Because it’s, it’s really that important. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Now, we’re going to go to a segment of the show that what’s good, okay. What’s good as a part of the show where we apply this information that we’ve discussed today, for that could be could happen in a real life scenario for our listener. So are you ready? Yes. Okay, meet Chantal. Chantal is a 27 year old African American woman. She has one child from a previous relationship and is in a serious relationship. Currently, she finds that she wants to get married and have more children with the man that she is currently, but she struggles in the area of intimacy. She’s never told anyone but as a child, her mom’s boyfriend used to molest her on a weekly basis. When a mother found out that her boyfriend had done this to another child. She kicked him out of the house but never asked him until What happened to her? She’s been holding on to this secret for over 20 years, how would you suggest you proceed?
Danielle McDowell
Well, I’m feeling for her, because I can I can relate, I would definitely want her to seek out some support, and really be able to process what happened to her because I can 100% say that it is showing up in her relationships. And it’s definitely showing up probably with that child that she’s already parenting. And it’s likely showing up in that intimate relationship, but also affecting other functions of life. And she wants to do the work. So I will commend her. I’m really big, on congratulating people for taking the first step of seeking out some help. And so she would receive all kinds of praise and positive guards from wanting to do something a little different. I would want her to tackle on that abuse headfirst. I’m really big, I like narrative therapy, I like to write music is thing aside, I do a lot of music therapy. So I would tell her, you know, you can tap into growth, healing this and a lot of different ways. And you want to come seek some support. So we can figure out what’s the best way for you to heal What happened to you, so that it won’t continue to affect your current relationship? significantly. You may not agree that I believe, when you experience certain levels of trauma, it will always show up in some form or fashion. Oh, I absolutely agree. Yes, but the significance that it shows up, you get to determine that yes, you do. And there’s some things that you can do. So so I don’t cosign the 100% healed from sexual ways. I feel like I carry it for the rest of us.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah, it’s who I am.
Danielle McDowell
It’s part of me. But I get to decide how much that experience will impact my current relationships. And so for Chantelle, I would encourage her, help her figure out what it is that she needs to do to heal that, so that she can move over and be a little bit transparent and letting her know that that you can’t heal from that firsthand, like, I’m happily married. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you appreciate
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes. And congratulations, or just the work that you’re doing. Before I let you go, first of all, thank you. Thank you so much. Your wisdom has inspired me and I know it will by listeners. But I’m sure they’re also going to want to follow you as I do as well. So how could someone listening be able to get in contact with you,
Danielle McDowell
I appreciate it, you can find me on social media through the healing space. Okay. And the healing space is located in Virginia. So that’s where I practice in the state of Virginia. And you can also locate me on Instagram at achievable. Great. So, website is www.my Healing dot space. Got it. And Instagram again is at achievable and great.
Dr. Connie Omari
Fantastic. Danielle, it has been a pleasure to interview you today. I’m telling you from the bottom of my heart, I got chills with your vulnerability and your open authenticity and just your knowledge about this subject matter. I know my listeners will as well. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And it’s been a pleasure to interview you today.
Danielle McDowell
Thank you for having me on. I appreciate this opportunity. Like Sam, about a second talk about trauma all day, girl.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, maybe we’ll have to bring you back.
Danielle McDowell
I would love to come back. Thank you for your time.
Dr. Connie Omari
You’re welcome. Thank you have a wonderful day. Bye.