Episode #39: Steps to Emotional Freedom

Everyone deserves to be free emotionally. Here are three steps to do so.

Welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast where we connect black families to black therapist. On Mondays, you will receive direct therapeutic support from a licensed therapist or professional connected to the mental health field. They will provide therapeutic and educational resources to help you have a healthier relationship with your family members. On Wednesdays, you will receive direct tips and resources to help you get through the stuck places that prevent many people from having relationships with their families and significant others that they desire. On Fridays, we want you to visit our blog which can be found at WWW dot black MFT matters.com which holds additional resources and action steps that you can begin implementing immediately to improve your relationships. This is necessary because we love that you are listening. But we want you to take action to while you are there. Please grab our A to Z relationship bootcamp and be provided with the skills you need to immediately communicate better within your relationships. Please note that while the therapists on podcasts are therapists, they do not serve as your therapist unless you have signed a confidential agreement with them confirming that relationship. Thank you in advance for listening. And we hope you are inspired. All right, it’s time for the show. Here is your host, Dr. Connie Omari.

Dr. Connie Omari
Alright, I’m gonna go over, let me introduce myself before I get started. I’m sorry, I’m Dr. O. Okay. And today, I’m going to go over the three, my three steps to emotional freedom. All right, I feel like this is so important. Because listen, whatever it is that you’re going through, whoever hurt you, whatever you’re struggling with, whatever you’re dealing with, you can get through it.

Like you’re not defined by your emotions, your emotions are real. They’re a part of the person that you are. But they’re, there’s hope, like, there’s just I mean, you you’re not who and whatever it is, that you’re going through, like you can find a way to be able to gain control. Okay, have some of what you’re struggling with. Let’s start with explaining my first tip, seeing how you can and get control of your emotions, okay? Identify the negative origins, okay?

Most of the negative things that we deal with come with from feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment. And these are things that keep you so stuck, and so closed, that you don’t even want to try again, you don’t even want to do it music, though, the feeling of failure is so overwhelming, that it keeps you from going to the next level.

All right, and that is not good. And it’s not fair, that you have to go to go through that. And it’s not fair, whatever it is, that makes you feel that way. And I can speak that way. Because I’ve gone through that as well. It’s not who you are, there’s so many other things that define you. So, just understand that if shame is is coming from a place of guilt is coming into play…

If embarrassment, if insecurities, self doubt, all these things that have come into play, they’re not going to help you to have the emotional freedom. So identify the negative of origins.

Next, reject any compliance with these emotions. Okay, reject it. Understand that listen, yes, I may have stolen something, but that I’m not a thief. Okay, I did the best that I could at the time with the resources that I had. Right? To get to the other side of things. Okay. Yes, I might have been abused. Okay. But that doesn’t define like, like you. And speaking of abuse, I think is very, very important, too, because a lot of people struggle with shame and guilt and embarrassment.

So let’s break that down. When sexual abuse experiences happen I’ve worked with people who have had orgasms, okay. And response to sexual stimulation from somebody that they were not consenting. Because your body okay, response separate from your brain. Okay, the the clitoris would stimulate it. Why do you think back in slavery right there, they had sex farms. I mean, let’s be real husbands or men could be having Sex with their daughters. Right? Mother’s having sex with their sons. Okay?

A lot of times husbands having sex with their, their, their, their own children, their voice, you know, things like that though now that wasn’t for procreation that was more for you know, exploiting in embarrassment, but people would have biological reactions eight. So you know you can physically uh you might not enjoy it but your body responds okay to the simulation that was just like a sex was designed to be a beautiful interaction and unhealthy and unhealthy relationships so when it is distorted or taken out of context, you might have these very shameful it’s so it happens all the time where people might have or even convinced themselves to enjoy the sexual interaction that’s better than admitting that your dad’s raping you, you know, you might intentionally think more about the pleasure, excuse me the pleasurable feeling that comes from it.

Okay, so all these things are real and last, but certainly not least try out over and transcend these emotions. Alright, be a step above that. Step above that and understand that okay. Yes, my dad raping me was wrong. That there may have been a part of it. That felt good, not because I’m dirty. Not because I’m bad. Not because I consented. All right, but because the biological nature of a clitoris getting stimulated, right is to reach an orgasm. Same thing for rape via fellatio or however else I’m not trying to be too graphic here. But I wouldn’t be talking about this if it wasn’t for so many people who go through it. Okay.

Or, you know, I mean, there’s been times, gosh, let me just let me just talk about, you know, when I think about my brother, we came from the same family, we came from the same, you know, we have the same access to resources and things like that. But in many ways, I’ve benefited at his expense, particularly, because I was the first board. But I’ve always been a very hard worker, I’ve always been very, you know, done well in school, and things like that. And there was part of me, and it doesn’t feel good to say that I didn’t have to deal a lot with I’ve seen siblings who are like, competitive. And like, the first one would have to, like, get everything right, and do everything according to what they were supposed to, you know, some plan or whatever.

And then the second one, would if the second one out, did them or whatever. You know, that could just be a sense of tension. And other times they my brother never outdid me, because in many ways, he ran circles around me, especially like now that we’re adults, and things like that. But there was a part of me. I mean… I can I just be honest, that benefited from the fact that maybe his grades weren’t as good as mine. And maybe he wasn’t as outgoing that I didn’t I really didn’t have any competition at that time, for the things that were important to me. Now, why am I missing that? Because that sounds that sounds like I’m saying, I’m a jealous, competitive, bigoted bitch against my brother. You know what I mean? Like, but the truth is, you know, like, there were some benefits to being in that position, at least emotionally for me. And by living in my truth, to be honest, whether or not I’m going to be judged by whoever’s watching this video. I can, I can live a freer existence.

And I can also be mindful of that, especially as an adult as a child, I didn’t have the emotional maturity, to put that in place to how many relationships do you know where those competitive endeavors not only are happened in childhood, but they happen in adulthood. And then the person who quote unquote, benefits from that maybe the person who’s born first the person who makes the most money, or the person with the most education, or the person who looks the blasts, you know, is the most attractive or is married children, whatever it is, that is important to that family dynamic benefits, and exploits the younger one, because when I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends the other day, and she’s the youngest, and her older sister, same thing, except her sister doesn’t have that awareness. So she’s constantly berating and belittling my friend, and causing my friend to feel insecure. So I’m just saying that to say you can come over you can overcome.

All right, these negative emotions, feelings when you acknowledge them, by acknowledging that I was able to benefit from the power dynamic of being the firstborn, the one that made the best grades, the one who had to do everything first. I’ve been actually able to have a healthier relationship with my brother because there’s no intention, you know, at least not now that we’re adults. There wasn’t a lot growing up but it definitely is it now because we’re able to talk about it like we’ve we face it We’ve achieved it and we’ve conquered it. Right? And that I want the same for you.

So the three ways to overcome your emotions is identify the negative origins, reject the negative origins and live truthfully and authentically, in your experience and for what it is accept it for what it is. Alright, thanks again for your time today. It’s been a pleasure to work with you if you need any help, overcoming your negative feelings and emotions. I’m here to support you.

Thank you for your time. Find my information in the show notes. I look forward to continuously serving you. Alright. Well, that concludes our episode for today. Thank you so much for listening, peace and blessings. Dr. O