Dr. Connie Omari
Before we start, let me share a quick word from one of our sponsors. A wise man once said that the richest place in the world is the graveyard. Along with the death of their physical bodies comes the death of many people’s dreams and opportunities to make a better future for themselves and others. Do you have a dream inside of you that you’re just waiting to explore? Podcasting is a great tool to help you get your message or idea out into the world. If you haven’t heard about Anchor by Spotify, it’s the easiest way to make a podcast with everything you need in one place. Allow me to explain. Anchor has tools that allow you to record and edit your episode right from the comfort of your own phone or computer. When hosting on Anchor, you can distribute your podcasts on listening platforms like Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. It’s everything you need to make a podcast in one place. And best of all, Anchor is totally free. Download the Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You’ll be glad that you did.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Welcome to the Black Marriage and Family Therapy Matters podcast, where we connect black families to black therapists. On Mondays, you will receive direct therapeutic support from a licensed therapist or other professional connected to the mental health field. They will provide therapeutic and educational resources to help you have a healthier relationship with your family members. On Wednesdays, you will receive direct tips and resources to help you get through the stuck places that prevent many people from having the relationships with their families and significant others that they desire. On Fridays, we want you to visit our blog, which can be found at WWW dot black MFT matters.com, which holds additional resources and action steps that you can begin implementing immediately to improve your relationships. This is necessary because we love that you are listening. But we want you to take action while you are there. Please grab our A-Z relationship bootcamp and be provided with the skills you need to immediately communicate better within your relationships. Please note that while the therapists on podcasts are therapists, they do not serve as your therapist unless you have signed a confidential agreement with them confirming that relationship. Thank you in advance for listening. And we hope you are inspired. All right. It’s time for the show. Here is your host, Dr. Connie Omari.
This meeting is being recorded.
Dr. Connie Omari
Hello, hello. Hello and welcome to the black marriage and family therapy podcast, where we are breaking generational curses in the black community. Today’s guest is Dr. Tomic Lawrence. Hi, Dr. Lawrence.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Hi, everyone.
Dr. Connie Omari
How are you?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
On a great note, I’m doing well. I’m happy to be here on your podcast to speak about many issues. So I’m very excited to be on your show today. Thank you for having
Dr. Connie Omari
me. Great. Well, we are so honored to have you. If you don’t mind, I’ll tell our awesome guest about the amazing work that you do.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Sure, thank you.
Dr. Connie Omari
You’re welcome. All right, Dr. Loris will be able to help her clients get back on track when they are feeling stressed, depressed, confused, anxious, lonely, or in need of a little direction. Dr. Marrs is a professional psychologist and scholar practitioner in the field of counseling psychology, with training in personality, cognitive assessment, communication, interpersonal relationships, individual couples counseling, and psychiatric evaluations in various settings. She has provided individual and group counseling for over 15 years to a client population that is diverse in terms of race, ethnicity, sexual and gender orientation, religion, and socioeconomic status. Her experiences have strongly amplified her deep interest in emotional life, and she prides herself on providing a fostering environment that elicits personal growth. She walks with the agenda of establishing personal power. As she knows, mindset influences behavior. Changes in behavior start with thought, whereas situational factors can change. Each one creates a new thought. One of her strongest skills is assessing a person’s needs and identifying barriers when finding a way to take them to the next level. She embraces great energy, a solid knowledge of the psychology field, and unflagging professionalism. I love that she has successfully exceeded expectations and accomplished lifetime goals. In her comfort model is this six-step program that teaches individuals how to live their passion by breaking free from comfort while embracing discomfort. By the way, that title is outgrow comfort model. In addition to the Outgrow Comfort Model, Dr. Morris is the founder of Bridging Therapist.com, a new social network where therapists and coaches are able to connect directly for educational needs. Some TV professional appearances include my man on TV. Dr. Lawrence holds a doctoral degree in counseling psychology and is a member of the Hudson Valley Psychological Association and the American Psychological Association. She remains a leading expert in understanding the correlation between achieving tendencies and the father’s presence among African American men during their childhood. Her broad knowledge and life experience will assist her clients in their personal development and overall fulfillment. Yay! That is exciting. Dr. Lauren,
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
thank you. You are.
Dr. Connie Omari
Oh, my goodness. Oh,
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
My goodness, I’m busy. But I feel like I adjust well. I’m very keen, not even with my career, but in general, I’m considered an expert with transitions. I know how to transition and adjust to almost any situation. So definitely, when you adjust, and it comes with battles, it’s just really keeping your perspective on what it looks like at the end of the tunnel. So that’s how I multitask many of those things. keep myself going. So yeah, yeah. Thank you.
Dr. Connie Omari
You’re welcome. And I’m glad you mentioned that because, you know, that’s not easy to do. Like a lot of times, we get into situations where we’re used to something, whether it’s what we’ve seen done with our parents or what just kind of comes natural to us, what we see on TV, what we see with our friends, but when you use the word transition, sometimes we do need a transition. How would a person know when it’s a good time to transition and/or how to go about transitioning if they haven’t, especially when they haven’t really seen? What’s on the other side of transition?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Right, right. And actually, that’s the stuff when it comes to the book that I have outro. How do you know to transition? First and foremost, when we’re thinking about outgrowing your comfort zone and transitioning in life with anything you need to do, you need to do it yourself and keep it Frank. You really need to want it. And the question would be, What do I want? It’s really needing to be in the light, whatever you want. If you have a lack of interest, or if it’s just a thought, and you can’t visualize yourself being there, it won’t be there; it just won’t exist. So one is very important when you’re thinking about if I need to transition. When I say one, I mean something like get out of your day-to-day habits of let me get up in the morning, work, come home, do homework, live life with intention, intention to see things where you can start wanting things. So many of us because of the hustle and bustle of what comes with being an adult. You know, you have to work; you have to pay bills; you have roles with your mom, your wife, your father, and your husband. Whatever role you’re playing in life, sometimes it gets in the way of trying to live a fulfilled life. And we have to know we only have one life, and that life should be balanced with not just the things we’re doing but also the ways that keep us there: eating, sleeping, and working. But we also need to feel like, Wow, I feel fulfilled. I spoke earlier about having a feeling of being exhilarated or something like that; it’s like, chase those feelings and find out what those feelings mean for you. And that will help establish what this transition is. And then, from there, it unfolds. So yeah,
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that. I guess what I think must be confusing to maybe a piece. And to a lot of people, it has been for me, as we’re used to being in survival mode. So a lot of us think that’s normal. So when I hear you say, You know, we need to live a life of fulfillment, But if you’ve never seen a life of fulfillment, right, because a lot of us, I mean, think about it, when it’s, I can’t speak for your childhood. But for me, I mean, you know, you had to put food on the table; you, you know, might have had external factors, a deeper level of racism, and stuff that we hadn’t worked through as a society. We didn’t have time to talk about feelings, emotional fluency, and things like that. So how does a person get to a place where they can? You said one, though, so I guess everybody wants to be happy. But a lot of people aren’t. So what’s going on with that?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Well, we have to look at this. Yes, we are not. We don’t have the choice of what family we’re part of, regardless of what kind of family was part of our financial situation, maybe some trauma, we could have experienced some dysfunction in our family, but we do not have that choice. However, I will give thought to Adler and Larian therapy, which is really great for trauma, where we have to start empowering ourselves with the struggle that we probably had to experience during our childhood. Is seeing that okay? I am in this now. But how can I make this better? What can I do differently? Just to even seek a feeling of feeling better, feeling happier—you know, it can be as small as, Okay, I know, I can’t afford to get a cake. But if I can’t get a cake, what can I do with what I have to give myself that happiness? So sometimes, we have a way where we, like you, may have grown up and been raised in a different way. And it’s like, well, how do I see outside that? I strongly believe that every kid growing up has a thought process of what they want to be when they grow up. There are things out there. But it’s what we focus our attention on, and that kind of helps fuel us for what we can do with it. So if I go to a little one and I say, What do you want to be when you grow up? you’re fine. They want to be lawyers, they want to be teachers, and they want to own the next big tech company. What are we doing? Besides, you know, we could focus on not having much, but what am I teaching that kid so they can keep that vision? So they can actually see us as a possibility? I could be doing a lot of things. I could be doing what we probably tend to do sometimes, and I think we all grew up that way. It’s like it’s not possible. No, you can’t do that. Not on this, and they will not accept us. Who’s today? Where are we now? So when you look at things like that, it starts from the beginning of trying to teach one to know that as possible, number one, and number two, as you, as the person who still feels it is not possible, try to put more energy into the possibility of something, whatever it is, and then stay in that experience of the possibility of something you put into a lot of things that we say that we, you know, don’t know how to see the fulfillment or the truth of it. But for you to have the thought of knowing I don’t know how to see the truth and the fulfillment of it tells me you do have something, but you probably just need the guidance to kind of start reframing the thought process. The thought process is
Dr. Connie Omari
The fact that you’re thinking about it lets you know that it’s okay that you want this.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
So it’s like paying more attention to the fact that the vision is there. You know, this hour watching TV, all they do is just say this kid never gets out. Parent works. The child is watching television all day. I’m pretty sure they see different things. They’re taking things that, when watching television, what am I going to focus on on that TV? Am I going to focus on what we don’t have? If I’m going to focus on the gratitude of what we have, am I going to focus on the gratitude of what we have and try to get more the best way we can, which goes back to our growing up sometimes, especially when you’re talking about low-income black families? If you’re speaking about Latino families, it really doesn’t matter. We’re all comfortable with the way we were raised. That’s pretty much it; we’re comfortable with the way we were raised. And in order for change to happen, you have to start viewing things based on what you’re experiencing in real life and factual experience. A lot of our views can become distorted based on a lot of our history. And sometimes, based on our past history, I’m going to go back to Agla and trauma, both of which were experienced through something, but it’s still up to us to make the choice of what we want to do with that experience. Sometimes, yes, we have a mask of depression, but we have other things. But when it gets to the point of, like, exploring those emotions and really getting involved with what this trauma or this dysfunction have resulted in, now we can have a conversation because we’re going to have a conversation to help you close out whatever it is with it. But now, with this approach of hearing now, what do I want? Now? How am I going to move forward from this now that I still have life in front of me? So it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight. It’s the little things. But like I stated earlier in what you spoke about, it’s known as saying that the person does have some kite-type vision. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a vision of something they wish they could be. But now it’s just trying to get them to really think about taking actions to be what they think they can’t be. So that’s like my premise, my way of thinking, pretty much.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that. I love that. And, you know, I’m just burning to ask you to fill in this gap. Because, you know, the Scripture that does come to mind is that a man without a dream or vision shall perish. You know, God gives us these dreams, these visions, and these thoughts. And it’s like, if you don’t have that, you know, you’re not existing. Right? So. But we are obviously all living there. That’s why you had to write the book. I like to show people how to do it. So, Oh, Dr. Lawrence. The word that’s coming to mind is discomfort. Your title is outgrow your comfort. Is that the correct way to kind of say it’s outgrowing your comfort? So why? Why is it uncomfortable? And I guess this would be a good time to transition in your book. Because, you know, without us, we’re not going to buy it, we’re going to support you. We know it’s great stuff; the idea of how we can go about outgrowing our comfort
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
right? So outgrowing your comfort means first identifying the fact that you’re comfortable in life. And everything may be going well or may not be, but it’s comfortable enough for you to continue just living life, which is the normal way of being; you know, outgrowing your comfort doesn’t happen all the time. Because we aim to be stable, we aim to have stability. So comfort does exist. But the fulfillment that you’re seeking is once in a lifetime that you choose to have there. But it’s just needed to know, and let’s start here. I’ll go to your comfort; it’s in six steps. It came about because I myself had to outgrow my comfort in many ways to get where I am. Today, pretty much everyone does it in different ways. But I didn’t know that until I started to outgrow it because, when push comes to shove, if you want something, you want it, and when you want it, you’re going to do what you need to do and whatever it is. But when you’re comfortable, you can’t get past the fact that a want really becomes a need. So I take you through the steps to kind of help you become uncomfortable, have a little discomfort where you can still get to whatever it is that you have, which pulls you in. So these six steps start with the first: you know, in your head, as you heard me say early on, you have to have a vision of one or something of interest. You might say, Well, I don’t have that, I’m glad I live here, or this and this and that. And that there is no reason for not being able to look at a computer or pick up a book; it’s here, it’s available. So it will be hard to believe you don’t have it. Now the focus on being mindful about it is something else. So before you start this, you need to know what you’re aiming to do. Because if you don’t know what you’re aiming to do, which goes back to the thought process, you will fail at the situation; you will be stuck. So the first step is just basically identifying what it is that you want to outgrow. What is it that you would like to do? And I can make it an example we can focus on, like, pretty much. You could just throw it at me if you want.
Dr. Connie Omari
If you want to start a business, like when you say, Okay, I want to start a business and expect them to give you a loan, you have to show your plan. This is how you spend this money.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Right, right. So yes, I’m glad you said that. So step one: know your head. You want to start a business. So before you even finish going to the next step, you need to know what type of business you want to start. Let’s say you want to start an accounting business. And before you start the accounting business, now we have the fact that I want to start an accounting business. So you have to ask yourself, Well, what do you want with this accounting business? Do you want to own one? Do you want to work the books? What do you want to do? All of that is connected to your head; you have to really be specific about exactly what you want to do. But let’s go, and I want to start an accounting business there. Number one, know you’re in step two; know your comfort. This is the biggest. Knowing your comfort has to do with the fact that what I’m doing in my life now is basically preventing me from starting this accounting business. So the Know Your Comfort step allows a person to really look at their day-to-day life and see, What are they doing that they can’t change? They keep their comfort? What are they willing to do to start the process of starting this accounting business? And what is it that they will not do at all because they will be too uncomfortable? So it allows you a three-table format.
Dr. Connie Omari
It has three parts. Yes,
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Step two has three parts.
Dr. Connie Omari
And you say, No, yes.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Yes, no, what’s your tolerable with doing, and then the last step is uncomfortable at all, without doing so if you wanted to start an accounting business, and when you work at a construction business and you’re making good money and you’re paying your bills, everything’s fine. So you’re comfortable with an example, which could be, I need to make sure my bills remain paid. So that should come first. So now number two would probably say, Well, I’m tolerable with making sure my bills are paid because that’s what I’m comfortable with. But I’m tolerable with me working less and living on a budget. That would be an example of feeling tolerable. And then the last one is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with my bills not being paid. So whatever is helping me pay my bills, it just won’t be an option for me. Okay, I can do that and create a chart for yourself, because that’s right, you will continue to look back to see where you are, what you are doing, and what you will do and won’t do as far as your comfort, so that’s combating your discomfort, but finding some middle ground so that’s no comfort, step number two, step number three. Once you have created your chart of comfort, step number three is knowing your commitment level. We will go back to the beginning when you are like, How do you want this to transition? And my book commitment level was very important. This book is really directed at a person who wants personal control of their life. It’s up to you to get what you want and what you desire, and it’s also up to you to do the work. So for the commitment level, I have it set up as 0% all the way to 100%: 2550, 75, 100%. What it does is allow the person to evaluate the fact of doing de rigueur (the example we gave about one in accounting business). So it allows them to evaluate how committed they are. Will they be on this mission? So if it’s at 0%, that means I want to do accounting business today. And maybe next week, I want to hear about business. It just allows you to think about whether this is just a thought or if there is something more to it, and then you could have a percentage of 50% where this person can actually visualize not only the goal that they have in mind but also some of the steps that they need to take. And they could also visualize the fact that they probably started to take some of those steps. So that would be a 50% commitment level. And then the 100% commitment level is like, You know, you really want to create a plan, a business plan, get everything in order, and really start the process of seeking to start that business. But once you have your commitment level, it falls into the bracket of how can I use that commitment level with my life that I already have and be able to work the model? So I created a formula where most of us in life, every person, waste time.
We have a guest; we waste time, whether you’re on the phone with him before he used to be called the cooler talk. If you’re at a job. It can be that now that we’re fishing on Instagram, Facebook, and tick tock, you’d be surprised your screen time is very high. And you’re like, Well, I was wanting to talk for four hours. I can’t believe this. Those are time-wasters. They give us no value. They’re not teaching us anything. And therefore, it’s called a time waster. So what I do is have the individual do step three of knowing their commitment; they will need to actually calculate how much time they wasted a day once they calculate their full day and what it consists of. And so they waste, let’s just say, 10 hours a day, and they realize, Wow, 10 hours a day, I’m really wasting a lot of time. I would take their commitment level that they’ve picked for themselves, because they’re telling us I want to be 50% committed to reaching this goal, and they will take that 50%. And they will take the 10%, which is really an easy division to divide up. And now, instead of 10 hours, you would waste five hours of your time, and the other five hours should be used to reach it. So now I didn’t get it; I gave you the time to reach it. And so you don’t even have to do any more thinking. So this is like a real blueprint for you. So now that we’ve spoken, we spoke about the three steps so far, knowing you’re in step one. Step two: know your comfort zone. I allow you to write down what you’re uncomfortable with and what you’re comfortable with, which allows you to speak somewhat about the actual plan of action. And step three: know your commitment. Now I allow you to actually identify how much time you’re going to put towards what you’re willing to do, what you want to do, and what you’re trying to reach. So that’s your commitment level. Number four, this one, I think you would like to know your support for. This is a very important step. One thing that we spoke about off-camera is the support system, which is huge. However, some of us do not have choices about who’s supporting us, as if we’re like little ones. Sometimes the TV is our support. Sometimes the book we read is our support. Sometimes the support that we want to have They’re not the best support for us, but they’re there for everybody’s support around us, but with the knowledge of your support. Step Four: Outgrow your comfort. It is now time for you to identify your support and speak of it in a way that will not only identify who they are but also see how they can work for you. So know your support. This step is, for me, a funny step. I call them your fans. Everybody wants a fan like someone who’s really a fan, like you know you have a fan of music, arts, and things like that. So we have three support groups with the nosier support stuff: the fan of progress, the fan of the plan, and the fan of performance. So for individuals who are unable to choose their support, what I will allow you to do in this step is still be able to identify where people fit in and know what and how to use them. So Fana progress are usually the individuals that you speak with; you speak about an idea, you probably speak about that one, and it goes over their heads. And that’s it; there’s no conversation; it’s just, Oh, good for you. And that’s it; that same thing of progress will show up when you are recognized for something good, whether you bought a car or went on vacation; they’re there to cheer you on by looking at you. But they weren’t there during the journey. Those are your fans of progress. Just know that’s it. fan of the plan. Those are the individuals to whom you would actually say, I want to open an account in business. And they’re like, Wow, that sounds great. You know, I can’t help you with it, but I do look forward to hearing about it. And then they may call you back in another month and say, Hey, I know you said he was going to do the accounting; how’s that going? That’s a fan of the plan. They can’t help plan, but they’re able to kind of give you encouraging words. The next group is fans of the performance. A fan of the performance is a group of people who are not only able to speak with you about what it is that you’re working on, but they’re also able to challenge you; sometimes they’re even able to give you homework, and they hold you to that. Once you have these three categories, I’m not asking you to remove people from your life; I’m asking you to find out where they fit in. So you grew up a certain way. And like, let’s just say that buying a house at 21 is something that’s unheard of. You probably have a goal to buy a house, and you probably won’t speak to the parent that’s around you that only kind of sees living in, you know, a tenement building as being just okay. You will speak to someone else, and you will actually place that parent as a fan of progress because they can’t see the way that you are viewing it. So it’s not like they’re not supportive. Then I said,
Dr. Connie Omari
No, this is great. It sounds already now that I’m streaming a touch of this. But I just want to make sure. Just in case you’re not, I want you to get that now. I think those are three great people. But you got it, you said if you say you don’t want us to get rid of the other people, there are people that don’t fit into any of that they call haters. So exactly. Have you got some people who will say you’ve done it? You will never be an accountant. And we’ll do things and put barriers in your way to keep you from opening the account in business. We’ll laugh at you when you fail, and we’ll talk about you when you know they think you’re not going to do it. Are you believing that tomorrow, see, she can be a psychologist? You know, they’ll do that wherever they go.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Well, actually, you’re saying you remove them; I will actually still put them in a fan of progress. But to know why because they’re still speaking of you. And they’re only there when they see your progress. And they’re also there when they see you not progressing. But I would put them there because they still exist. People have these haters that can’t cut them off completely. So it’s just knowing where and they only come out when they hear about it. But they’re not coming out to say good job; they’re coming out to
home. It’s only one family with one bathroom, like it’s a whole house. But you know, with that being said, I will place them in a fan of progress; every person is still considered because they’re in our lives. So I wouldn’t want the person to exclude them. I just want you to know that I am a fan of Progress Group. It’s not the group that’s going to help you get what you need. But that’s the group that would be called, and it’s called social comparison. That’s the group that you would make sure you hit their page with what you’ve got going on if you want to play the game. But if you don’t want to play the game, you kind of want them to speak about you because they’ll start speaking about you more, which will fuel your fans progress because they are waiting for the next big thing for you to say, positively or negatively. So it gives you a few, so you should kind of just keep them; there is no need to remove them because they’ve been here. Right? Okay. So yeah, you have these three; go ahead.
Dr. Connie Omari
How would you describe my canceled culture mentality? Is that not true? Not? Not?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
As you know, it’s kind of like you have to stand tall, two individuals. When you stand tall, you work harder, you just show your actions, and all of that becomes just a conversation that’s not even worth your time. So you’re given a time by looping them in when they are, because you’d have to acknowledge they exist, and I don’t want you to not give it any time. And then they exist, and you don’t have any of your plans. And you’re like, Oh, my God, I still have these haters around me. No, you’ve already placed them where they belong. And you only look at them to cut the cake. They’ll be there to eat your cake, then.
Dr. Connie Omari
He’s too anti-taking some home.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
You’re right. You’re right. You’re right. That’s exactly what you will. You will not hear from them again. Yeah, yeah, yes. So knowing your support is very important. Yeah. And I guess the key, I would say, with that stuff, in general, is that it goes back to the upbringing we all probably had; we all can tell a story of our upbringing, whether it’s positive or negative, or one person could be worse than the other. And we all have our stories that bring us to where we are in the present day. But it’s just power; do you want to define the story? That’s the way I view it; you have the power to define your story. At times, you have the power to tell those stories, but you also have the power to take some of those negative feelings that we have and try to serve someone else to make sure they may not suffer the way you did. Or make sure someone has the tools to get through something because you got through it. You know as well. Yes, I grew up with my mom and my father. But I had substance abuse in my family; I grew up in a low-income neighborhood in the Bronx of New York. But when it came to school and work, there was something driven as far as, Your problems are your problems, but always see things in an independent light from the other. Because when you’re trying to move forward and do whatever you’re trying to do, for the most part, it’s your experience that’s going to get you to the next step, whatever your experience, and some of our experiences are the reason why sometimes we are still limited by our experiences because we don’t experience. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s like we focus on what we think our experience is versus what our true experience is, to see how that could fuel us to take on more experiences. So when you’re dealing with this six-step process, outgrow your comfort model. I’m also teaching you to experience, plan, experience, see what’s really there, and kind of get you through it. Before going to the next step, know your steps. So after you know your support, you know who’s who you put, even though she’s mom, but mom doesn’t understand that, in my case, I was fortunate enough to get home at 21 years old? My husband and I understand that mom looked at me like, Girl, no. You know, even going to school—I mean, sometimes we’re hit with the student loans that come our way—you can’t do that. That’s too much school, and there’s too much money. Well, if I look at it this way, if my plan is to become a doctor who will make money, then the student loan would just be the bill that I’m already paying. However, depending on who’s supporting me, who I’m around, and their view on life, you can be something, so you have to kind of see and believe in yourself and what it is that you want to do to realize that you’re going to make it happen. And that’s part of what you would need to do on this journey. So knowing your steps is going back to just actually creating a plan of action, like, What do I need to do to become this, to have this accounting business? Maybe you need to be accountable in accounting. Maybe you need to take tests, or maybe you need to learn about a business plan. You have to do some research. Obviously, you want to create your steps, but the biggest thing I want you to take away from knowing your steps isI love the old pen and paper weekly plan. You want to develop a weekly plan that really shows a schedule of what you need to do. Number one, when you’re trying to figure out your steps, you also want to know that there are options. So I walk into doing things knowing I need to be a learner, not a person who knows. Because if I’m a learner, it allows me to get over some humps. An example could be, I want to take this test, but I can’t afford it. Do we stop there for half? They can’t afford it, so they stop. However, if I walked into this as a learner, I would realize that, wow, this program offers to pay. There’s the grant, and there’s this other program here. Or if you go to school for six months, they’ll pay for the test. Because I walk into the process with an open mind as a learner. And that goes back to what I was telling you earlier about walking into the room and just thinking it just can’t happen to me as having more of an open mind to the experience in front of you when it comes to creating your steps. So those are like the Jews. I will say that.
Dr. Connie Omari
Feedback off of that, because my mom used to tell me that if you’re the smartest, the brightest light in the room means it’s time to go to another room. And, oh, yes, hearing you say that I think we like to be the smartest and brightest. So if we need to get this exam, well, if we can’t afford it, we’re not even surrounded by the people in the resources that can educate us on how to do it. Because we’re the smartest ones. And we don’t know. So, you know, we just accept that.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Right? Right. But you know what? I’m glad your mom said that. But the day that person realized what I needed, I had to try to get there and become a learner. Life opens
Dr. Connie Omari
up, and you die many men, Dysley tremendously. Yeah. And
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
anyway, because of our perception, and it’s sad. Our perception is developed from some of our upbringing, whether negative or positive, which has an impact on how we view things and how we walk into any role for what it is that we’re aiming to do. So our perception is heavily influenced by our experience. So it’s like, put good perception to the side for a second and just experience the walk in the room. And then take from there what you get in that role. And try to aim for that end, which is the goal. Knowing your end, whatever it is, you need to do this. So okay, maybe I can’t afford to take the test. And then I realized, wait, wait, wait, I can still open the bids. Oh, I have to be the accountant; I can actually just own the business. But that will only come when we take a second and really just sit back and become learners and just do research and take it in and just focus on ways of getting back what we want. So you just keep putting in the internet; even though I want to own my own accounting business, you’re going to start reading and seeing stuff, find new interests connected to it, and come up with different ideas. So that’s like a way of brainstorming that results in a plan of action. And the last step in itself is to know your reflection. I’m big on experience, like we just discussed a second ago, when you’re outgrowing your comfort. Reflecting on something from an emotional standpoint, from an objective standpoint, and from an educational standpoint will not only allow you to recognize that you are outgrowing your comfort zone and working towards it, but it will also allow you to continue taking the next steps and going and going and going to actually reach it. Now, sometimes we get caught up in this, but it just doesn’t. Six steps we go through, and it’s done. No, you might get caught here and there. And if you do, you go back to your commitment and go back to where you are. You take in what’s really happening around you. If I’m dealing with an ill parent, or if I’m dealing with, you know, I happen to have my child, I mean, I have to adopt my sister, my brother, whatever it is, you have to consider that and consider those emotions that are tied up and why maybe you can’t do something now. But then it goes back to being a learner and finding other ways that you can do it. I was fortunate enough—I wouldn’t say fortunate because I worked very hard for everything that I did. And like I said, student loans are out the kazoo; however, I’m able to pay them. And that’s what kept me going. But I did work for the federal government for 70 years, in a state of being working for the federal government. I did become a doctor. He was like, Well, how did that happen? Psychologists say that when I first went into this, it was like, I always wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be a psychologist, but now I’m working at this federal job, and it’s going to be very hard to leave my life that I’ve already stabilized for myself to be able to become a doctor and continue to finish school. So the measurements are that you have online education, but it is still psychology. How’s that possible? No, what was possible was that I was a young lady who basically gave up on friendship, social life, and vacations at a job for three months at a time. I had to travel to the school, learn how to do assessments, and learn how to do all of that. So my vacations at work were not vacations; they were all connected to school. And then it was like, Oh, what about an internship? Now you have to do your postdoc; you have to counsel. And I was by grace to guide you to hospitals that allow you to work on the weekends and still be able to come maybe part day during the week. Wow, I keep my job that I have in the government. And so I’m gonna work. I work hard. And I keep going. And I see the options. And that was like my true development of this whole outgrow your comfort thing: what you put in front of you is what you give attention to. And it’s your experience that kind of keeps you flowing and lets you know that you could continue. So that was my story. Even with my little girl. I had a little girl. And I find myself taking the licensing tests. I think the day before I’m supposed to deliver was because I wanted to do it before I had the baby. And that didn’t work out well, because what was I thinking? But this is what you sow. So it was like, Get out of your own way. And really kind of pay more attention to what you want. And little by little, use my blueprint to break down that plan so it won’t feel so daunting. Just get through. So that’s it.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that. I love that. That was six amazing steps that yall took. I hope y’all were taking notes; if not, put this on record or even better, buy the book. Because, I mean, this was just priceless information. and it was so good. And it’s coming from someone who’s done it. So you’re not—yeah, you’re a doctor; you’ve got your receipts, but you’ve got the experience, too. And I love that.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Thank you. Thank you. Yes.
Dr. Connie Omari
Um, are there any myths of any capacity about changing or outgrowing your comfort that you’d like to debunk for the black community?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Well, the myth that I have is that when I grow comfortable, I don’t believe in failure; I feel like you stop. So it’s not necessarily about career goals; it could be family; you could be in a bad relationship and want this relationship to be better. But once one person stopped contributing to the love of the relationship, you stopped. And so all of a sudden And it’s like, What could I do better? What could I do to continue trying to reach something? And sometimes we just stop—we stop ourselves in our tracks. And we don’t think about it; we don’t look back at it, and it becomes just so. So yeah, so I’m really big with motivation as far as, like, teaching people what it is that they haven’t stopped and trying to get them to use that same power when it comes to them outgrowing their comfort,
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that. I love that. Um, what do you think is the hardest part about doing this? I mean, you describe the six steps, and it sounds genius. But why is it difficult to do it?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
The difficulty is doing it, and it’s like really just having that, we’ll have like bull and my, what do I want, what do I value? Am I important? Why should I do this? A lot of people spend time speaking about these ones or whatever it is that they want. as not being valuable, you know, and his confidence is big, is just knowing, like, You know, I want to be able to go on vacations with my mate more often; why can’t we do this? And sometimes we get caught up in that perception of bias about how to view things. We’re all developing schemas of how we like things in life and how we do certain things. When you see a fireman, you would automatically associate him with having a red jacket. It works the same with any person, any background. We have our stereotypes, but some of those stereotypes shape our experience, which is why we stop ourselves. And it’s like experience, experience; I can’t say this enough; it’s like being a little bit more mindful in our day-to-day actions would allow us room for new knowledge to come our way.
Dr. Connie Omari
I just went full speed; you mentioned this before I hit the record button, but exercise came up. What are some resources that people can tap into that will help them develop the mindset to outgrow their comfort?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Well, the resources goals with the support, not only being people, books, videos, like really tap into, like, if you want to be an accountant, and I take a look at your Instagram page, and I see nothing I have to do with business, math, accounting, this, you have to get it in front of you. So resources would be like finding something connected to something you’re interested in and making sure you do it throughout the week. It can be something really small just to bill your interest, resources, and exercise. It helps to do something different. You might have to take yourself back to when you were a child and think about those feelings, like happiness, joy, and excitement. And connect, what was it that made you feel those feelings? Because now I want to chase those feelings. Whatever those feelings are, your homework would be to sit there and fill them in. Remember what did it for you, and duplicate that moment. And continue to do that with all those happy feelings. Because that’s going to get you in a positive mindset to start viewing things and seeing things differently. So that would be my advice, but you could try just different things. Sometimes in counseling, you might give an interest inventory of all kinds of things and just check off what you’re willing to do and what you won’t do, like bike riding this or that, whatever it is. So it’s just walking the walk of, like, recognizing that I need happiness. And I’m searching, because sometimes we do endo and sadness, and we see what’s there. But now I want you to put more energy into finding happiness today. What’s going to give me happiness? You know what? Talking to my mom when we watch this show gives me happiness. So we’re trying to get you to stroke yourself with feelings of positivity. And then, once you determine that, the brain starts moving more. That’s my thought. That’s more my opinion. But that’s what you know—it works.
Dr. Connie Omari
Love that, love that, love that. I’d like to move to a part in the show. That’s called what’s good. And basically, I just gave a hypothetical situation. And I’d like to tap into your brain, Dr. Lawrence, and get your insight on what this person should do. Is that okay?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Great. Great.
Dr. Connie Omari
All right, me too. Now, Janelle is a 35-year-old African American woman. She is the youngest of three siblings, each very successful in their own right. She has goals in her vision and dreams about doing something more in the creative arts. But everybody, including families, has a doctor, and she feels obligated to do that. And she has these talents that she’s not really tapping into for fear that she will mess up the family narrative, and more or less, she’s afraid. How would you recommend she start to tap into her creative ambitions in a different area while still keeping a sense of her identity and her family?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Well, actually, it would be her that would help me figure out what’s the best decision for her, which is how she views her family’s views. How important are they when it comes to her decision? Because she’s from Arizona, she’s my client. And I may feel like, Wow, that’s what you really want to do; you should just do it. But I need to find out first how she values what she really wants to do in comparison to her family. Once we determine how she views her, you know, her family versus sort of decision-making versus how they view things, then maybe we can build from there. I cannot too much impose the fact that she shouldn’t do something, but we will focus on the beauty of her strengths and things that she does have. But I will actually work with her more to try to understand her identity in comparison to her identity with her family to see which one is taking precedence in her life now, and depending on how we unfold, we will be able to determine what we would do and then the next steps.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that about that. Well, Dr. Lorenz, I’m wrapping up here. I have enjoyed listening to what you have to share. I know our listeners will wear cowboy boots, and specifically, I want to know about your practice and if they want to work with you or someone on your team. And you know more about your book and how they could get resources for that.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Alright, so just a little bit of information to let you know what’s happening with me now and how you can find me. I’m more commonly known as Dr. T. Larut. My website is Dr. T. Lawrence le W ar e nc.com. My practice in itself is to serve individuals and couples; I also provide group therapy. I would also say, like we mentioned, that my book on growing your comfort can be found on Barnes and Noble and Amazon. And it’s written by myself. And last but not least, I am also the founder of a new social networking site for professionals like ourselves and coaches. It’s called Bridging Therapists.com. I felt like we needed a network that allows therapists, more so in the private practice sector, to be able to connect with each other directly based on things like scheduling appointments and the need for help, whether you need help for a client and you’re not experiencing a certain type of trauma, or you might need to connect with a therapist relative to some continuing educational classes that you’re presenting. So bridgingtherapists.com And just as much as network insight for professional therapists and coaches. I facilitate workshops of different kinds. And I just aim to work from a motivational standpoint and teach people how to build on their strengths. And that’s just my model. And you could, like I said, find me at Dr. T. Lawrence.com. Thank you
Dr. Connie Omari
love that, love that, love that. Um, well, if that’s all I have any final thought notes that you want, or that are like, if there’s just one thing that you wanted our black community to hold on to, You could have already said it, or it could be something new. When would that be?
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Um, I think I probably already said it, but just holding on to the fact of experience, living your experience, and letting your experience dictate your life Living your experience Let your experience dictate your life and meet you for your future.
Dr. Connie Omari
Love it. Love it. Love it. Well, it’s been a pleasure talking to you today, your wise woman. Thank you so much for blessing our audience with your wisdom. And I’m wishing you a wonderful day and good luck with your book and all the other things you have going for you.
Dr. Tameika Lawrence
Thank you. Thank you for having me on your show. I appreciate this. It was a pleasure. I enjoyed myself. Thank you.
Dr. Connie Omari
Great, perfect. All right, everyone. That concludes our show for today. Thank you. Please take her words with you and let them help you overcome your discomfort. All right, take care, peace, and blessings.
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