Episode #74 How to Develop Intimacy with Your Partner

Dr. Connie Omari:

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy Matters podcast, where we connect black families to black therapists. My name is Dr. O if this is our first time, meaning I wanted to officially welcome you to this show. So if you are here, just know that I am committed to helping black families break generational curses in the best ways possible. I do top research, I do interviews, and I come to you and speak to you and share the information that I’ve learned for both my black families and helping hundreds of black families throughout the world to live better and more cohesive relationships with one another. So all I ask is that you help me on this project that I’m extremely passionate about by clicking the like and subscribe buttons so that we can help the algorithm so that we can reach more black families.

And so that we can get the word out that we are serious, I am serious and intentional about helping black families live a life of hope and prosperity. And so please click like and subscribe. And let’s begin. So today’s show is going to be about developing deeper intimacy with your partner. A lot of times, we want to have these connections, but we really don’t know how to. So I am going to give you 10 very, very important questions that you need to be asking your partner when you start dating, after you’ve been dating for a while, even when you are having difficulties in relationships. You can’t be in the middle of a fight and say, Okay, well, let’s have these deep intimacy questions. But you know, strategically, you can take an opportunity, especially if you’re having doubts within yourself about where the relationship is going. Or if you feel like your partner needs help communicating himself, take the opportunity and give them some questions that you can ask to kind of help lead them on the way. All right, so without further ado, we’re going to get started with that.

Number one: What are your dreams and goals in life? I mean, wouldn’t it be horrible, okay, if one of these sensitive areas that you have is around marriage, and your partner already has decided they never want to get married, and you’ve never had this happen for you all? You’ve never had this conversation. And I’m going to be honest, I have seen this happen, okay, where people have just wanted to get married at two, she’s dated this person, in essence, for four or five years, only to find out that that person doesn’t want to marry. It’s not that he doesn’t want to marry her. Sometimes it is. But a lot of times, that person genuinely just doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want marriage; they never even had the conversation. So can you imagine the level of discord and conflict that that is going to create when you have completely different expectations? So if you want to get deep and connected, ask what your partner’s goals are. And that can happen by simply asking the question. Question number two: What are your deepest fears and insecurities? This is a hard one because this is something that people don’t like to talk about. But again, it will help you understand where that person is coming from. So you know, I would encourage you to let it be safe. You know, if a person is fearful of getting fired or something like that, you don’t need to be throwing it in their face. Okay, well, you don’t want to go to work late today because you might get fired or something like that, because then the person is not going to feel comfortable communicating with you. So you want to make sure that you are being considerate and kind when a person is sharing their vulnerable experiences with you. You are also going to want that when you are ready to share your vulnerable experiences with them. So ask them what their fears are, and listen to the responses with an open heart and mind. I really liked number three; I really, really do. And I think that this will be helpful for a lot of people who learn to get it right.

And that is your love language. There are five different love languages. I’m going to list those five languages here because I think it’s very, very important because, you know, you could very well, and what happens a lot is that people give their love language without taking into consideration their partner’s love language. And when you do that, you are not satisfying your partner. Some partners want words of affirmation, which simply means you are saying things to praise them out of it, but the partner has given them gifts, but that’s not their love language. So you can be spending your money all day, but you’re going to feel disrespected because you’re giving them something and they’re not appreciating it. They’re going to feel disrespected because you’re giving them something that they don’t necessarily require or need and that doesn’t get to the heart or the root of their situation or their concerns. So ask them what it is that they prefer, and then do what you can to try to meet those needs, not the needs that you would like if it were you. Excellent. What is your most cherished memory? And why? What is really, really important in your partner’s life? You should know that and think about it. like if something’s really, really important to you and the person that you are sharing your life with doesn’t even know what it is. How would it make you feel if the person in your life took the opportunity to ask these questions? You’d be surprised. A lot of times, when we open up and try to be more vulnerable, more intimate, and more connected with our partner, our partner will do the same for us. So we can really connect and bond over his really cherished memories. And this is very, very important. For one, it teaches you something about your partner that you didn’t know; for two, it really lets you know what your partner likes and dislikes in a way that you know, which can help you learn how to get it right when it comes to spending time with your partner, satisfying your partner, or giving your partner what they need. So these are some really great tools that are in your toolbox, and I want you to use them. So yes. Ask your partner, What is the memory that they cherish? and listen to the response so that you can get to know your partner. This is also good, y’all. I’m dropping some really, really great questions for you guys today. Okay, this question is: what is the biggest relationship? What is the biggest issue? What is the biggest business lesson? What is the biggest lesson that you have learned? in your past relationships? So in other words, how has your past changed instead of just talking about the bad things of the past and leaving the past in the past? What can you take from those relationships that will make you a better person today? What is it going to take? Knowing, listening, and caring for the responses is very useful. You know what? I’m just going to throw this in there in case you weren’t thinking about it on your own anyway. Answer the question as well. Let your partner know what the most valuable lesson that you’ve learned from your past relationship is. That alone will work wonders in terms of making sure that you are both on the same page and committed to trying to do better in this relationship than you have in previous relationships. And then think about ways that you could actually do it. I mean, gosh, there are so many different reasons why people don’t pursue their goals and dreams. Sometimes it’s money, sometimes it’s time, and a lot of times it’s value, like feeling like it’s not important for them, like they’re not worth it, to figure out how to get it resolved and get it done. You can be that missing link to help them achieve something and do something that they’ve never thought about being able to do until you came around.

And again, vice versa, that person will likely be more motivated to help you do something that you hadn’t thought you could do or that you hadn’t felt like you could do. So just really listen to your partner and do what you can to try to fulfill these needs. And these decided not to be needs, these desires that have not been met can really cause you to be more close and intimate. If your partner is going to make your partner trust you, you are going to make your partner value you. This means that you have to do it when you don’t want to, when you’re frustrated, when you’re sad, when the partner has annoyed you, when the partner has done something to just, you know, break your heart. Sometimes, you know, how do you get back on track? You do that by changing your mind set. Okay, it doesn’t have to end depending on what it is, okay? Because your partner is imperfect, and guess what? You are also imperfect. So these questions are intended and designed to help you learn how to work through your imperfections so that you can have a better relationship with them. So I hope if you don’t have it yet, you have a pencil and pen, and you’re writing down these questions data, or you can just finish the video, and then I want you to get it and watch the goal and write these questions down. Because the alternatives are great questions that you need to be asking yourself next. And this is really, really important. I’ve already addressed this. What are your thoughts on marriage and children? Do you believe? Do you believe in it? Because, like I said, some people don’t. And if you don’t, then it’s better to talk about it earlier in the relationship, isn’t it? But if you do, how should your children be raised? Where should your children be raised? What types of marriages are you going to have? Are you going to have members of the opposite sex around? Are you going to let the church be a part of your marriage and your relationship? What types of relationships did you grow up seeing? What types of relationships did you grow up seeing?

So it takes a lot of time and effort. And you have to be intentional about having these conversations. So ask your partner what it was like for them growing up, what they saw and what they didn’t see, and how they view marriage and children in relationships today. What are your values and beliefs? These are sensitive topics, guys, but they will make all the difference if you take the time to focus on politics, religion, oppression, and other things that are hard to talk about. You need to understand your partner’s stance on certain things because it’s going to affect how you show up in that relationship with them. Okay, or in other areas of your relationship. So if you are a Republican and your partner is a Democrat, you know how many things you’re going to have issues with, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t work. What it means is that you have to be knowledgeable and intentional about understanding your respective positions and then respectful of the other party’s position. But you can’t do that if you don’t know their values or their belief systems. So you want to make sure that you’re having these conversations, even when they’re different. You’re having the conversation and you’re being respectful; that is the key to respecting the other person’s differences, not necessarily agreeing, but sharing your hopes and aspirations for the relationship.

Okay, this is number nine. And y’all, again, I can’t emphasize it enough: you need to know what your partner wants; you can’t get mad if he sees you as a booty call if that’s all he wants in a relationship. And if you’ve been showing up as the booty call, you know, if you are the person that he calls at two o’clock in the morning, after you haven’t heard from him all week, and you still open that door, and then you get mad and frustrated and frustrated in response to that, You are giving him permission to do that. He’s showing you, you know, so why don’t you just ask him? Why don’t you just say, What do you want out of this relationship? What do you want out of relationships in general? Okay, get an idea. So that you will know how to show up, you move differently when a person tells you, and then listen; it’s not about just what they say. So if they give you something like, You know, I really want a girlfriend, Okay, but if he’s doing these things, then hello. He’s telling you; he’s showing you who he is. So yes, you could ask him in the hopes that he’ll be transparent. But sometimes you can just ask in the hope of getting more information. Not only is this not a stand-up guy, but he’s also not an honest guy.

Okay. So ask the questions, be open to the responses that you not only hear but also see, and move accordingly. And last, but certainly not least, I’m a little bit scared to offer this. But I really want to because I want our black families to rock, okay? And that is to ask your partner for something that they’ve never told you before. Okay, if I told anybody before, I’m sorry. Ask them for their inner secrets. And this is important, because if they can trust you with something that’s so powerful and private to them, then that is going to open up a world of opportunity for you all to connect on an intimate level, which you can’t throw up in the face when you’re angry. You can’t throw it up in their face when you’re mad; you can’t use it against them, because then that’s just going to tear it apart. That’s what you’re going to do with this. Don’t even bother with it. But if you really, really, really want to be intimate with your partner, get into their head, ask him the hard questions, listen, and let you become the safe space for them to share these things with you. I promise you will have a more intimate and emotionally mature relationship with your city. Okay, that’s all the tips I have for you today. My hope is that each black family is winning and killing it in this game. So again, if you heard something that you liked or if you think you might know somebody who could benefit from this video, please share it with them. Okay, again, like and subscribe so that you too can do the sharing and we can together work to heal our black families and break generational curses for years to come. Thank you again for taking the time to listen today, to tune in, and to allow me to be a part of your healthy relationship journey. Peace and blessings.