Dr. Connie Omari
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the black marriage therapy matters podcast, where we are breaking generational curses in the black community. Today’s guest is Christina Cummings. Hi, Christina. Hello, hello, how are you? I’m fine. How are you?
Christina Cummings
Good. That will not complain.
Dr. Connie Omari
Good. Good. Good, Christina. I’d love to introduce you to my guest. Is that okay?
Christina Cummings
Yeah, go right ahead.
Dr. Connie Omari
Awesome. So this is Christina Cummings. She is currently working as a graduate counseling intern at Refill Her Counseling, located in Brentwood, Tennessee. As a graduate student at Trevecca Nazarene University in Nashville, Tennessee. She is pursuing a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. She has successfully completed all of her required coursework for her program and is now focusing on her internship, with the completion date being August 5. She has seven years of experience in the helping profession. Our primary passions lie in assisting individuals in their personal growth and guiding them through the process of healing through trauma and pain. Moreover, she strives to empower people, helping them recognize their worth and potential to become whatever they aspire to be. That is great. Great work, Christina. Awesome. Thank you. You are welcome. You’re welcome. So fill in the gaps and let us know what got you kind of started doing this type of work.
Christina Cummings
Oh, that’s a long story. But a good one is so funny. I always wanted to be a therapist. Even as a kid, I was always the one my friends came to talk to about their problems, all the things, and I, for some reason, always had the answers. I don’t know why. Because the answers are not for myself but for everybody else.
Dr. Connie Omari
Right, right. We never do, right?
Christina Cummings
Um, yeah, so then, as I got older, when I went to college at MTSU, in Tennessee, I originally went in for international relations. That was my major. It was mainly because I really liked Spanish; I would study it for a very long time and want to travel, interpret, and do all the things. But it just didn’t feel fulfilling to me; it didn’t feel like it fit me. And so then, when I was at MTSU, which is Tennessee State University, by the way, I had a job as a resident assistant on campus. And you would not imagine the stories that I heard, you know, while being there, because I was the person that everybody came to for everything, whether it be family problems, school problems, personal problems, you know, and unfortunately, during that year, I experienced my first student committing suicide. And it was really deep; it was really heavy. It was a hard time for me. But for some reason, that was the thing that clicked and let me know, I need to do counseling; I need to be able to have the tools to help people and be a presence on this earth in the way that I see fit for me. And so I changed my major to psychology and made straight A’s from that point forward. And then I just started working in the helping profession, doing casework and family work. Now I am doing my internship, and here we are making it happen.
Dr. Connie Omari
Love it. Love it, love it. Gosh, I think that’s one experience in my whole career I’ve never had that was an actual belief. That’s rare, but I’ve never had anybody commit suicide. What was that? It was obviously life-changing for you. I mean, you changed your whole major.
Christina Cummings
If I did, yes. It was definitely life-changing. It’s one of those things that I will never forget. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself because I kept thinking about what if that student had walked past me before, you know, going to commit suicide? Or what if I had seen him the day before? You know, there were so many questions. And I kept wishing that I could be Superwoman and save everybody and other things. And it definitely took me down a rabbit hole for a while. Because for a while I had that save the world mentality. And that got me into a lot of messy, questionable situations. But over time, it’s definitely helped me grow. It’s helped me be very aware. You know, I’m very curious when I have conversations with people. I ask a lot of questions. I pay more attention than I used to. And I just do the best that I can. So
Dr. Connie Omari
good. Well, it’s unfortunate that you had to go through that. But what I’m hearing is that the people that are coming behind you and, I guess, needing what you have to offer are going to benefit from this because you did, you know, transition, and now you’re doing something that seems to be working pretty well for you. So let’s say again,
Christina Cummings
I said, I love it here.
Dr. Connie Omari
We love it here, we want you, and we definitely want to keep you. Speaking of you loving it here, Our title for today is, you know, comparing black versus white relationships, and we want to get into that, but I just want to ask you, you know, how you made this transition. And, you know, like all of us, we oftentimes find ourselves in situations that are not working. But sometimes it’s easier to stay in a situation that’s not working than to change your unit. Like you said, he loves it here now. But so many of us live lives that are unfulfilled just because they’re comfortable. And because we’re used to it. So what can you say about the importance of really recognizing when you’re not in the right space and transitioning to a space that is better suited for you? Is there anything you can say to the benefit of that?
Christina Cummings
I just, I don’t know, think that there’s a lot of benefit to following your gut and your heart. You know, sometimes that’s hard to do. Because sometimes our mind and our heart argue, and it doesn’t always match up. And so, therefore, it makes it hard to make decisions to change, be different, or be whatever you choose to be. And so I think that’s all I can really say to that, and I think it’s just important for people to pay attention to the signs, pay attention to how you feel, weigh the pros and cons of, you know, what decisions are going to look like for you. And sometimes you just have to take that leap. Because I think that we also, you know, have concern for what can happen; you know, we don’t know what’s behind that door once we open it. And that’s, you know, debilitating. It’s frustrating. And it’s hard when you realize that you don’t have control over the future. But sometimes it’s the thing that you need; sometimes you thrive better in discomfort. You have to get out of your comfort zone, make a change, and just see what happens, right? So I just encourage people to have the courage to be different. Go for whatever feels best. Love it, love it.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love it. Well, in light of that, we’re going to chant thank you for that feedback, and we’re going to transition into the conversation that we’re having today. Because I think that, you know, a lot of times in the black community, this is obviously a family-friendly show. In the same realm of things, we recognize that, you know, marriage means different things to different people, and family means different things to different people. So we’re not necessarily excluding, you know, non-traditional marriages or people who are not a part of a marriage. I mean, as long as you’re part of a family, which we all are, this information that we share is going to be very relevant. But what are some of the differences that you see in black and white families? In your line of work?
Christina Cummings
You know, I’ve been battling with that question for the last few days because I want to make it clear that, though there are differences, there are also a lot of similarities in a lot of my work, like, for example, when I first came into the mental health profession, I was not sure how I would do working with races that were not my own. Because I truly believe that we had two different experiences in life, different types of trauma, and there was no way that I would be able to relate to you, you know, but then, as I’ve been working in this field, I’ve noticed that everybody has a story; it just might look a little different from the other. So you know, and so, but what I think makes black families and relationships unique is that we do have traumas that are unique to us. You know, we have a history of slavery, we have a history of discrimination, we have a history of abuse, and so many other things. And I think that it leads to a lot of families struggling with emotion, struggling with emotional availability, struggling with figuring out who they are and who they’re supposed to be. And I just think that’s what makes us unique from other families.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love that. I love that because it’s true. I mean, it’s true. You know, I just released a video today. Check it out. When you get an opportunity on Instagram to say, I was having a conversation with my daughter, and it was just a really natural conversation, She’s eight years old, but I was giving an account, and I’ll be even more specific on this show. She was telling me that my grandmother was telling me that her grandmother was a slave. And she used to tell me how her grandmother would spit in the slave master’s food. She was a cook. Oh yeah, my great-grandma was getting it in. Yeah, she
Christina Cummings
had a point to prove.
Dr. Connie Omari
a point. But what the magic in that is, well, I never met my grandmother’s Grimm; I guess that would be my great, great grandmother, right? I think that’s what that is. But my grandmother, I knew very well, died when I was 26 years old. So you’re talking about a good chunk of my life. This person who knew a slave was a part of it; she played a very, very major instrumental role in my life. And so I think it’s important to discuss it because we sometimes talk about slavery, like that was like ancient history. And it was not, as far as I know, someone who knows someone who was a slave. And now I’m carrying that message down to my daughter. So we’re not that far removed from it. And so when we’re talking about some of these practices, some of these behaviors, we want to pretend like that’s not relevant. Yeah, it’s relevant to the people. I mean, my grandma was, like, very influential in my life. The way that she taught her values, her relationship with Christ, all of that really influenced the person that I am today. So why wouldn’t the way that she approaches relationships and stuff influence the way I see relationships today? So this is why it’s not like it’s irrelevant.
Christina Cummings
No, nobody has to make us feel like that. Needs to be educated on their own, because it wasn’t that long ago. You know, we’re looking at, well, I’m not good at math. So let me know.
Dr. Connie Omari
200 years. emancipate? Well, my mom Okay, well, that’s not slavery. But if she’s born at 50, well, she probably won’t be told that. But when she went to grade school, she was like one of the first black students, so we know Roe versus Wade was in the 50s. Or was it? Yes. So she was in school during that time. So, you know, Jim Crow time was most of our parents, you know, maybe your grandparents. So what I was saying was, Sure, I’ll put you on blast. But the point is that there are still people we know, like generations of people that we talked to today. And then I think this is ridiculous, because I don’t remember. I think slaves are free, and like, 8080, something I believe for night at night and gear, right? Yeah,
Christina Cummings
I think it’s from the 1980s. Yeah. Am I great? Social Studies.
Dr. Connie Omari
So we’ve got the years down, Pat. Okay, well, we’re not historians, okay? It’s close enough to us that we need to recognize how it’s impacted how we move today. And I am a big fan of understanding that history does repeat itself. And if we don’t educate ourselves and make this information available, we can very easily find ourselves back there. So if you really want to separate yourself from that, know how it affects you today so that you don’t find yourself reverting back to the same old patterns in the same situation.
Christina Cummings
which is what we have a tendency to do and which absolutely impacts our relationships. I read that.
Dr. Connie Omari
This is a cycle. Well, um, we talked about change at the beginning. Um, what types of change would you like to see maybe in black families today with respect to this?
Christina Cummings
pool? A lot. Um, I feel like one of the main things that we should do as a black community is take better care of our emotional well-being, because that’s what I feel is the main barrier to healthy relationships for us. You know, we don’t go through what we’ve done. Okay, now going on a whole different tangent, but yeah, getting back to slavery and everything. There are certain behaviors and thought processes that are passed down from generation to generation. We were taught at that time that we were not important. We weren’t even human beings, you know. And then, as time progressed, we as people had to learn how to just live, how to just survive, you know, and now I feel like we still have that same mentality where I feel like a lot of us are not living with just surviving. We’re just going day by day. And we go through so much emotionally dating all the way back to childhood that we don’t ever really get the chance to process, you know, because also like family, we were taught to, you know, get over ourselves. Why does she say have? You’ve got to keep going. And that’s our mentality. And when we continue to do that, we continue to brush all of our burdens and all of our traumas under the rug. And don’t realize that it’s going to continue to come up because it’s unconscious at that point. And it’s going to come up anytime something happens, and you’re going to revert to old ways, become defensive, or have a wall up because you haven’t processed anything that you went through. And so I feel like the catalyst for change for us is being okay and accepting the fact that our mental health might not be okay. You know, and I think that because we don’t acknowledge it, we’re not able to process it. And because we can’t process it, we end up in these unhealthy relationships and toxic situations, which goes back to the cycle, you know. So I feel like that’s the main thing that needs to change in our community right now.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love it. I love it. I love it. As you were saying that, I reverted it back to my mind to Dr. LeBlanc, who is somebody we interviewed a couple of years back on the show; she wrote the book on apology, directly resilient by the way, but she gave an example of a black girl, maybe nine years old; I can’t remember if she said this on air or off air. So I want to make sure it’s only here, so I’m going to repeat it. But she said this: a nine-year-old girl black girl had told her dad that she had been raped by a white man, and her father was a slacker. This wasn’t recent. This was, I think, in reference to either during slavery or right afterwards. But the point was, even though we wish he could have had a different response, I hate to say it, but dad was understandably slow; he didn’t have a lot of power. Basically, it was really hard to prosecute a white man for doing that. You know, he really didn’t have, you know, a good job, probably not a good support system, and definitely not society backing him. So it was just easier for dad to just not have this conversation or not do anything about it and to send that message to his daughter, you know, because she was the problem. And she was whatever it was to deal with it. So as horrible as that was, that was necessary. You know, at least he thought it was necessary at the time. 100 years ago. What do you think that might mean for how we do things today? Because I mean, a lot of times when our young girls were saying, This happened to me, a lot of us were wiping it in the run. Now, two thoughts on that.
Christina Cummings
We’re taught to be silent. You know, it’s a habit, it’s a pattern, you know, and we’re taught to just power through, and that’s hard to get out of. Excuse me, we’re supposed to be strong black people, strong black women, strong black men, you know, we’re supposed to be able to tolerate anything, even back in slavery days, like, well, that’s what they thought we were; they thought we were just robots who could handle every single thing that came our way. And when they had a field, they were not there. Yeah. So now we’re taught to have that same mentality: you can’t sweat, you can’t cry, you know, you’ve got to just power through. And that definitely is a generational curse that I really want us to break into; it’s so hard to do. Because, like, when you develop that mentality, it becomes comfortable. You’re comfortable with being behind your wall and not showing any form of weakness or fear. Because the minute that you show that, you look weak to other people. And so it’s easier to hide behind that wall and continue to sweep because I’m going to run because that’s where you’re comfortable, right? We get comfortable sitting in our mess, if not doing anything with it, because we’ve learned how to function with it. And that, folks, truly,
Dr. Connie Omari
I think there’s something very important, though, that you said: that we’ve learned how to function with it. It’s not even dysfunctional anymore; even though it is, it’s not because that’s survival for us. That’s how we made it. So, what do you wish black families knew, though? Like, what what, what do we do? How do we change this? We say change, but is there a thought process, a technique, or something that you think they could just tap into to kind of elevate their mind and change? their perspective on this?
Christina Cummings
You know, I think I have an answer. But I feel like it’s easier said than done, okay? Because some of those pains and burdens are so deep, Yeah. And a lot that we kind of just forget, or, you know, forced ourselves to forget at a young age, so therefore, we don’t remember. But I really want, I wish that families, especially black families, would tune back into their inner child and acknowledge the things that happened to them that were not okay. You know, and even if you’re failing and you feel like it’s okay, or you didn’t really acknowledge it, it’s normal. There are certain things that we go through that are just not okay. And I feel like the sooner we acknowledge that, accept that, and then work through it, the sooner we can change some of these generational curses, you know, and sometimes I read a quote not too long ago, probably like a few months ago. And it said that sometimes, when it comes to generational curses, we have to be our own parents. And that’s because a lot of times when parents are, they’re in the generational funk, too, you know, and so there are certain things they might not recognize because that’s what they learned. That’s what they were taught at a young age, and that’s what they experienced too. So for them, they might not see it as a problem. So I feel like with older generations, that might be a little harder because they live this long, and it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. But I feel like for those of us who are becoming more emotionally aware and, you know, understanding what mental health looks like, we have to tap into those traumas, sit in them for a second, and try to figure out what we needed in that moment. So we can get it for ourselves now. Because I think also that what becomes a habit of ours is that when we have so much trauma and so much pain, we look to our partners to fix it. You know, I’m not my full self. So I need my partner to fill in those gaps. Really
Dr. Connie Omari
not acknowledging the fact that he or she is not their fault. They’ve got their own traumas, too. Yeah, exactly. I’m glad you mentioned that, because I think a lot of us go into relationships expecting that the relationship will fix this, or will heal some type of wound or something that we have. A lot of us don’t put the burden on our partners to make us happy. Yes, how can a partner make you happy if you’re not happy?
Christina Cummings
I’m saying that because I hadn’t gone through years of therapy to learn that myself. But when I’m thinking, I genuinely mean it. Because I spent so many years looking for something from other people—you know, looking for happiness here, acceptance there, building up my self-esteem here—I’ve always had the habit of trying to get from other people what I couldn’t get to give to myself. But what I didn’t get from my family or whatever, I felt like I was missing. I searched for that. And I feel like that’s one of the biggest mistakes you can make. Because it makes you very vulnerable. It makes you very… what’s the word I’m looking for? I don’t want us to sound mean, but I’m going to say that because, if I’m speaking for myself, I was naive.
Dr. Connie Omari
and innocent mindset. We’re not trying to be mean; we’re trying to be honest. Right. And, like you said, we don’t have the information. So let’s continue. But yeah, I think being naive is very good. I’ve gone through it too, you know, very, and have put unreasonable expectations on my husband to satisfy something that we need, and only me and I’m going to say God, really? Is that guy able to fix? So yeah, right.
Christina Cummings
Yeah. And then I also think that because we have those unrealistic expectations, it makes us unhappier quicker. Absolutely. No, because the minute that our partner is not fulfilling whatever need we have at that moment, we say, Oh, they’re not enough for me, or Oh, I just can’t do this, or I’m not meant for a relationship. And then we just look for things and reasons.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yes. And they will want to talk by themselves, sell ourselves, and one of the Blackfeet. I mean, this Kancil culture is real, like when you do something for somebody you don’t like, and a lot of times we look at it as self-care, like when we think cutting people off is a form of protecting ourselves. And while I am a big fan of, you know, protecting your space and your peace, that’s not always the answer. And in fact, a lot of times it’s not. A lot of times, it’s an issue of not wanting to deal with your stuff. And the other person bringing stuff, like what we’re just talking about, has unrealistic expectations of somebody else. Another thing is the lack of tolerance. You know, this part makes you think. Do you really believe that someone can be married for 50 years and not fight, have problems, or have disagreements that haven’t upset each other? So on the one hand, either you want that or you don’t; you know, you have that, oh, going to a commitment, wanting a commitment. And then, as soon as something happens within this commitment that doesn’t satisfy you, you think that you have the right to just terminate it. You know, that’s not a healthy mindset. And I don’t know how we got to the place where we just think that, you know, it’s just better all the time to just, I mean, terminate the relationship. Like I said, there are times where there’s, you know, abuse going on. That’s really the main thing: they’re genuinely not happy. You know what I’m saying, but a lot of times, that’s not what it is; it’s, you know, and I say that because, as the therapist, you know, we get to hear the other side of it. Yeah, you’re all bad on the streets, aren’t you? Yeah, well, I cussed him out, and I need him. But then you’ve been down my door, you know, calling me and finding me on social media. Really? Yeah. So if you really don’t want that result, what about learning? How? So let’s talk about that. What are some ways that we can resolve conflicts within the black family? That won’t always result in terminating the relationship or, you know, communicating.
Christina Cummings
Oh, man, it’s not because you know how you do it.It’s like, you have to sit and really talk about it. And when you talk, listen, to understand, not to respond, I sent, It’s, which is hard to do because I know I’m still working.
Dr. Connie Omari
It’s hard for the therapists to do it.
Christina Cummings
Yeah, you know, it’s hard when you feel like when you’re having a discussion with your partner and they’re telling you something that they’re experiencing, and you take that in, you enter, you internalize that, and then you feel like you’re in the wrong or you feel like you’re being looked at in a different light that you’re not wanting to be in. And then, in response to that, you’re in defense mode. So you respond just to correct or prove them wrong, as opposed to truly listening to see where they’re coming from. Because if you sit down and truly listen, you’ll realize that sometimes the issue isn’t you; it’s the situation, you know, like in relationships, and I just heard another thing a long time ago; I don’t remember what it was. But somebody told me that when it comes to, like, being in relationships and couples, you have to realize that it’s YouTube against the issue, not YouTube against each other. Absolutely. And that’s really hard to do. When you’re young, you spend your whole life in defense mode. You spend your whole life trying to protect yourself from the world, from people, and from whatever is around you at the time. We grow up trying to survive, and you learn how to protect yourself; that’s what you’re taught as a kid. You know, I remember having conversations as a kid about discrimination. And you know, being careful out and about is important because you don’t know who’s going to snatch you up. Or if this is a white person, or whoever is going to call you the N word, or whatever the case may be, You have to be in protected mode all the time. But when you get into a relationship and you’re committed, you have to realize that now you’ve got to protect each other. This is your partner, and you will fight with him, not against him, and that’s hard to do. It’s hard to do. But that’s not going to happen. We need
Dr. Connie Omari
Therapists, Dr. L is going to give a really good example of this, so y’all judge me because I’m judging myself. I’m putting myself out. But my first year of marriage, I was young. Yeah, I got married at 27. I got mad at my husband. The funny thing is, I have absolutely no idea what he did. I honestly to god have no idea, but I threw his laptop and broke it.
And the funny thing is, he was like, Okay, that’s dumb. We’re married. Now you’ve got to help me pay for it. Because it was coming out of, you know, our money to get another laptop, I don’t remember exactly, but the point is, he got another laptop. It came from our funds, and we’ll law. So the moral of the story is that when you hurt, I mean, yes, we’re married. So that’s a different, you know, relationship, even when you’re dating. You know, when you hurt that other person. Oftentimes, you’re hurting yourself. You know what I’m saying? Because, let’s say, it wasn’t a monetary thing, but it was just in general. It’s just thinking, so you say something to hurt his feelings on purpose. Now, first of all, he might say something back to you to hurt your feelings. So now we’re even going back and forth. But let’s say he does it, but it hurts his feelings; he feels insecure; he doesn’t trust you anymore; he might take it out on somebody else. I mean, the point is, your partner now is not the best that he could be. Because you turn around, you have said something, and dunks have to bring him down. So we don’t recognize that, like you said. I think we forget that it’s not us against us, it’s us against them. It’s also against the problem. So just the world. So when you’re faced with an issue, whatever it was, I was angry. Like I said, I don’t even remember what he did. But I do remember the ridiculousness of me breaking his laptop. And the consequence of that is that, you know, it hurt me just as bad as it hurt him. You know, and that’s just a really good example of just how life is in general, like, when we get in these relationships, you know, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen and been guilty of, you know, maybe saying something to hurt the other person or, and, and thinking that necessarily, that is a good thing or thinking that yeah, I got one on you. Well, at the end of the day, if he’s not talking to me for a week, did I really win? You know, if he breaks up with me and goes, you know, decides, Okay, why don’t you want this relationship? I mean, did I win? You know what I’m saying? If that’s not the result that I want, Yeah, and something else that I think you were teetering on is that sometimes, you know, if we can just listen and experience, sometimes it is us, you know, what I mean? Like, sometimes, you know, we really were, yes, there’s a benefit to being by yourself because you can learn, uh, you can grow in one way, but sometimes we will, relationships, you also really grow. Because who else until you talk too much? Or, you know, you need to fix this habit, or, you know, you need to. I mean, the person who you’re around the most and interact with the most has access to that information. And they know that better than other people, you know, so, you know, we’re really quick, I think, to just think that I can’t tell you just the number of relationships, not even romantic relationships, but just relationships with people in general, that the cutting off thing, like maybe I might have said something to offend the person and didn’t know that that’s what I was doing or that wasn’t my expectation, and the solution has just been to cut me off. And it’s okay, but I didn’t even mean to hurt you, you know, so I think I’m also so if you, if I’m not worth it for you, try to at least see where I’m coming from and try to, you know, see if we can make a solution. Or at least we know that this really should win that solid to begin with, you know, because I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but it’s going to take a lot for me to cut somebody off that I care about. Now, if I don’t care about you, you know, honestly, that doesn’t ever happen. But, you know, when it comes to, like, family and relationships with people, I’d much rather try to see if we can get to the bottom of the issue and resolve the root of the issue as opposed to, you know, cutting the relationship off.
Christina Cummings
And that’s rare to find, you know, and another thing on top of talking is having patience, you know, having loyalty, you know, and here’s the thing, and I want to also clarify that, like, if someone’s in a relationship and you genuinely just feel like it’s not working, it’s not meant to be, and you have certain things that you want, and they can provide that.
Dr. Connie Omari
Solely. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But I
Christina Cummings
I do think that there are a lot of things that can be resolved. If you really want to, you know, people are going to be present for who they want to be present, period. And if you are with somebody that you feel like, Yeah, that’s my person; I see something; I love his personal things, then it’s worth sitting and talking; it’s worth being patient; it’s worth forgiving, which is hard to do as well, because that comes back to, you know, accumulated trauma and our own issues. You know, when certain things happen in relationships that make us hardest to forgive, we have our own baggage that we haven’t let go of. And so we have to be patient with each other. You know, there was a study not too long ago that said that back in, like, the 1960s, the marriage rates were like, 60% of our folks were getting married. That dropped down immediately. More than half. You know,
Dr. Connie Omari
I actually did my dissertation on real attitudes and expectations between blacks and whites in America. And they say this is the highest number of single households, meaning just one person, not just marriage, but children—two people really having kids. Just like love is me, Me. Yeah, right. History, you know, so yeah, but yeah,
Christina Cummings
That’s what I was going to say—that we’re getting married less but getting divorced more than any other race, you know. And I just think that we struggle with our commitment; we struggle with finding somebody that we really believe could ride to the heavens with us. You know, like, there’s a lot of things that I feel like we’re missing.
Dr. Connie Omari
think is contributing to that, though; why do you think that’s happening?
Christina Cummings
You know, I’ve tried to figure that out. And I don’t think I’m sure I think part of it is, that’s the whole comment of, you know, not a lot of emotional availability. You know, I think that, too, you have women who appreciate their independence more. And so sometimes there are a lot of women who don’t want to get married, have kids, cook, and clean, which is fine. That’s completely fine. I’m not going to make people either want to get married or not by the, you know, society norms of what a wife is supposed to look like; you know, it’s so there. And so there are some people who wouldn’t feel like they’d be compatible with me because I don’t want to do what they want me to do. You know, so I feel like there’s that. I feel like there’s a lot of displaced toxicity. I’m going to say, Don’t you know, that’s the real term, but I’m going to use it today. Because I feel like there are a lot of times where we do not see our own toxic traits, but we can see all the types of traits in somebody else. And sometimes I feel like it’s not even toxic traits. It just doesn’t mesh with who you are. So you automatically assume that it’s toxic. And you get off.
Dr. Connie Omari
I like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So
Christina Cummings
Yeah, all of that. And then I think that also applies to just our culture right now. I hate to say it, but I feel genuinely that maybe it’s just my personal experience. You can let me know if you feel differently. But I feel like black men don’t protect black women the way they used to. And I feel like it makes women hesitant to marry. But then I also feel like there’s a lot of, you know, women as well, like, on the flip side of it. There are a lot of men who don’t trust women; you know, they have their own trauma and their own issues. So it’s easy to just say, Deuces, I’m not even trying to be an admin.
Dr. Connie Omari
We just trust the men. You think. You said, What? Are we trusting our men as well? Are we?
Christina Cummings
I don’t think so. I think that we all think that we all have a lot of trust issues. I think we have a lot of abandonment issues. Um, I think that goes back to the trauma, the trauma, the trauma, the trauma, the answer. I feel like Trump,
Dr. Connie Omari
You know, I talked about this in my dissertation. A lot of people say it’s real love. People say it does; it doesn’t, but the moral of the story is Willie Lynch. So Willie Lynch was a slave master; are you familiar with him? I forget where he came from. But during slavery, of course, it’s not normal to hold humans, as you know, as property. So, of course, in the United States, there was a big issue with slaves running away. So Willie Lynch was hired because of his expertise in the making of a slave. That’s actually what the speech is called. And so the making of the slaves basically looks like this: okay, what they would do is go to the plantation, he’d go to the plantation, he’d take, of course, the strongest, most masculine, most dominant, biggest black man on the plantation, and he’d straight up kill him, like in front of everybody, in front of the wife, the children, the whole whatever. So now we’re all looking at the protector, the strongest person, and the most powerful person on Elise’s team, who is now dead. You know, we are going to cause this real quickly. I don’t know what happened. So what they would do was take the biggest, strongest black man in the community, and they would basically kill him in front of everybody—his children, his wife, everybody. You know, their protector is now dead. Then they take the second-strongest black man and beat him halfway to death. But his purpose was to be a constant reminder for the plantation. Look, this is what could happen to you if you try to book the system. So you have the main person, the biggest person, he’s dead, and then the second biggest to be the reminder of what could happen to you, so what was happening is now your black man who is, and people don’t like people with this but designed to be the head and the, I shouldn’t say the boss but to be the head, people. here to be whatever is now demoted to this figure that is just, you know, not the head, certainly not dominant in the capacity with which he could be. So what was happening is that we women are the nurturers and the protectors of our tribe. We’re raising our sons not to be too dominant because we raised them to be very, very dominant. What could happen to the dominant person if a little girl said, Well, you don’t want to trust the man too much? You don’t want to depend on a man too much. Look, what could happen to him? He could get off, get beaten, or get killed. And so that’s the message that we were taught 200 years ago, but Willie Lynch knew that if we could get your mind and if we could make you a slave yourself, think like a slave and operate like a slave. Now we’ve done a lot of the work for them. They don’t have to tell us this because now we’re telling our own community. And like he just said, here we are today, 200 years later, with the same practices and things. So it worked. And now look at the nature and state of the black family today. So, what do you think?
Christina Cummings
I love that. And I think that’s the prime example. That is the best way to explain generational curses. Yeah, absolutely. Generational distrust. All of that just gets passed down and down and down. And then here we are going back to where we used early 23. Eating cycles.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah, yeah. Wow. Well, that was really, really great stuff. Do you think there’s anything that you would recommend that our black community read or listen to to help them break this generational curse?
Christina Cummings
You know, I don’t know. And that’s something that I would even ask you, because I would love to do all the demos that I have. I feel like all this is based off of just experience and what I’ve seen, and I would love to do more studies, like the study that you did on your dissertation, because I felt like that. That’s something that everybody needs to read. It’s something that everybody needs to know and learn about, because I don’t think we realize how things like that impact us to this day. And so I want to ask you, like, Do you know things I can go read? I would love to learn more about all of this.
Dr. Connie Omari
So I love that for two reasons. One that you’re curious enough to ask, but to that you’re curious enough to admit that you Sometimes you don’t know, right? Yeah. So, like, sometimes we’re in a position of power. And we’re the educator with a healer, and we’re the knowledge person. Sometimes it’s hard for us to say, Well, actually, I don’t know. But can you tell me a little bit more? So I appreciate that vulnerability, don’t you? And I’ll also say that I don’t know it all. Okay, I have a lot more to know, research, and stuff, but I want to answer your question. I’m faith-based. So I come from a faith-based perspective, but it’s not the traditional, you know, gay people going to hell, you know, if you were this, you know, whatever, I don’t listen. I believe we all have children, and I’ll have a heaven or hell to send you to. I’m worried about my own salvation and what I can like and love, period. But I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts. My favorite right now is this show. This will be amazing. I have learned so much. Okay, even for you, somebody who’s starting, you know, in this career, suddenly, so many different therapists come on the show with different approaches, different techniques, and different strategies. So please, if you’re listening to this point, go back and listen to some of our previous episodes and download them. Okay, we’re dropping new content every week. Okay, with really, really great stuff. But I listen to Sarah, Jake Roberts, and TD Jakes; those are two of my favorites. They’re really talking about the importance of mental health because, you know, science and religion work very well together. Okay, yes, they work well independently, but when you put these bad boys together, you’ve got a recipe to die for. Okay? I’m an avid believer in that. There’s also something that I’m really thinking about in terms of thinking about generational wealth because a lot of things that we don’t like to talk about in the black community are money. And we don’t understand that money can really take you to really really free you, and a lot of our answers to some of the stuff are lack of education, but even education, like money giving you access to education, gives you access to wisdom. A lot of you know, you can read, and of course, you can do stuff on your own, but you know, there’s only so far, like when I was incarcerated, and when we talk about that on the show openly. It was the money, okay, but I was subsequently my downfall, but that was what was able to take these black women off the street; you know, we’re good children, nothing else, not my wisdom. What was the amount of money as cash? No. Okay, so getting into a position where two people I think did a really great job, you need to bet on Anthony O’Neal and Myron Golden. They have very strong faith-based principles on how to be responsible and effective with money. So I like thinking of things from a wealth perspective. Another person I listen to a lot is Priscilla Schreier. Um, I’m trying to think so. Podcasts are really great tools. In terms of books. I’m reading a lot of business books right now. In terms of trauma, Mitch, you mentioned trauma. A book I like to drop is The Body Keeps the Score. And this is just very, very important because I don’t think people understand, like you said, that the trauma goes with you, like you might have gone through something as a child, as you just mentioned, and you said, Okay, when I have when I was six, no, baby, if you want to heal that honey, you still 636, even if you’re 46, even if you’re 66, 106, if you haven’t healed, that it’s stuck in your body, you have to learn how to work through those things and understand where they’re from. So those would be my main resources right now. And of course, for me, I’m just going to be honest; the number one, and I probably should have started with this, is the Bible. The Bible is a tool. It’s not. It’s unfortunate, because on behalf of the Christian community, I understand that Judeo-Christian values have been utilized, and some of the harshest slave masters were Christians that exploited that scripture, manipulated it, distorted it, and just did some of the most damage. So I recognize the pain. Okay, that comes with, unfortunately, the Christian faith, but I’m just saying that the Christian, just like any other denomination or any other group of people, is subjected to sin and imperfections. And I do solely believe that if you can tap into your relationship—not the relationship your pastor gave you, not the one your mother gave you, not the person who abused you, not the Christian faith that abandoned you and turned their back on you and justly condemned you—you can. But if you were to focus on your relationship with Christ, and God is your redeemer, that Bible will make so much more sense. And you can have such a better elegance; it really is a manuscript and a tool for how you should live your life. And my ability to tap into that with just me and God has made all the difference. Those resources, yeah, thank you for sharing.
Christina Cummings
that. Because a lot of those that you mentioned
Dr. Connie Omari
good, good, good, good, good, good. Well, before we go, what do you want black families to know? There’s nothing else that we can take from this episode. What do you want that takeaway to be for black families?
Christina Cummings
Y’all are capable and worthy of healing. And you’re worthy of breaking those curses. You know, and I think that it’s okay to not be okay. And I know that’s a very cliche thing to say because everybody’s saying that now, but it’s the truth. You know, it’s okay to have your baggage, your insecurities, and your trauma. It’s not about the traumas, necessarily. It’s about what you do with them and how you move forward. And you’re more than capable of working through that.
Dr. Connie Omari
Amen. Thank you so much for that. Well, Christina, I think you’re going to be a great girl. I am so excited for you and the clients that you’re going to be serving and the impact you’re going to have. Are you practicing right now? You’re not
Christina Cummings
interning at a practice, right?
Dr. Connie Omari
So what I’m saying is, if we have a client in Tennessee, can they be referred to you now? Yeah. Okay, perfect. So what’s that information? And how can they get you?
Christina Cummings
Well, you can go to my Instagram; my Instagram has a link on there to the website for the practice. And my Instagram name is that of that therapist, Christina. So you can go on there and find the link that also takes you to a whole bunch of different therapists that are there as well. So yeah, that’s how you can find
Dr. Connie Omari
me. Very, very good. So you’re going to send me a copy of that. When we’re done. I’ll make sure I put that in the show notes. If that’s it, Christina, I thank you so much for your time today. You have been a very, very great source of wisdom for our audience and for me as well. And I appreciate you joining us.
Christina Cummings
And thank you for having me here.
Dr. Connie Omari
You’re very welcome. All right, that concludes our episode for today. Thank you, everybody, for your time and allowing us to tune in and help you on your journey, wherever it is. You’re trying to go with your black family. All right, peace and blessings, Doctor.