Episode #81: One Man’s Loss is Another Man’s Treasure

Dr. Connie Omari:

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Marriage and Family Therapy Matters podcast, where we are breaking toxic relationship cycles. Today’s topic is about why narcissists discard their products. These are really great tips that I think will be helpful to you. And I just need to ask one favor before I share them: will you please press the like and subscribe buttons? This really helps us spread this message to more black families like yours. Without further ado, let’s spend time on narcissists lack of empathy. Let’s just face it. Part of their definition of being a narcissist is that you don’t care about other people’s feelings.

Therefore, it will be very easy for narcissists to decide that you’re no longer relevant to them because they don’t care in the first place. That’s what makes them annoyed and self-centered. They only think about themselves; whatever it is that you did or didn’t do, or whatever narrative that they’re responding to in their head, is the only one that they’re thinking about and the only one that they care about. And unfortunately, that means that they just throw people away with this, like they throw away the baby with the bathwater. They throw away people like trash; it’s unfortunate, but it’s also what they need for validation.

So there’s a good chance that for some reason, they felt that you’ve either started to find your voice or you set some type of boundary or something with a narcissist where they feel like they can no longer get that need from you. Even if it’s not you. It could be the company that you keep; maybe it’s a family member; maybe it’s a boss; maybe it’s a friend; but somebody, for some reason, is in your life now that they feel threatened by, if it’s not you yourself that they feel threatened by. And for this reason, they don’t feel like they can get the validation that they need. And they’re disregarding you as a result. Narcissists are manipulative; they used to run the show and call the shots. If they can’t get that anymore. If they can’t do that anymore, you’re no longer serving that purpose. They have to let you go and find somebody else who they feel like they can’t control and manipulate. The idealization and devaluation cycle is calling for it. In other words, in the idealization part of the narcissistic relationship, you’re drawing the partner in; they’re doing this by making compliments, saying things that make admiration, maybe buying things, but whatever it is to like, it makes you feel like you’re the center of their world. They do this so that they can gain control over you. And then they throw you out with the bathwater. They don’t value you anymore. They treat you as if you’re not relevant anymore; you are irrelevant, but they treat you as if you’re not because it satisfies their need in their ego to be in control. And again, maintain their narcissistic power over you. And like boundaries. They don’t know how to treat people with respect and consideration. So when they mistreat people, they don’t do things like discard them or throw them away. They don’t know any better.

So they can’t give you any better. They fear vulnerability. By discarding other people, they can protect themselves from feeling vulnerable and being exposed to people who make them feel vulnerable. In other words, it protects them from the emotional harm that they could have if they were to stay because they have a sense of entitlement. And if they feel, for any reason, that you’re not going to give them that entitlement, they feel like they have a reason to discard you. It’s unfortunate, but again, that’s the nature of a narcissist. Alright, so these are just a few reasons why a narcissist will discard people. It’s unfortunate, and if it’s happening to you or someone you care about, I sincerely apologize on Narcissus behalf and feel for you. It doesn’t feel good to be discarded. But rest assured, the issue lies with them, not you, and sometimes going through really difficult things can be the best for you. Unknown Speaker: Being in a relationship with a narcissist is difficult, and often ending that relationship is the best strategy. It might feel difficult now, but in the long run, a person will be grateful that they ended a relationship with a narcissist. That’s all I have for you today. I hope this was helpful. Peace and blessings, Doctor O.