https://youtu.be/HA4LFx0Hy-M
Dr. Connie Omari
Hello, hello hello and welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast where we are breaking toxic relationships, cycles and patterns in the black community. Today’s guest is Mr. Tilden Peterson. It is so nice to have you here. How are you Mr. Peterson?
Telvin Peterson
Oh, thank you for having me.
Dr. Connie Omari
You are so very welcome. May I introduce you to our amazing listeners? Perfect. Please welcome our special guest, Mr. P, an experienced mental health professional with a diverse background in healthy individuals across various settings. With 11 years of expertise working on college campuses, school yards in state penitentiaries. He has honed his skills in all areas of mental health. For the past four years, he has been an invaluable resource collaborating closely with correctional officers in various therapeutic communities of men. His mission is to provide much needed support to those struggling with alcohol, opioid amphetamine, cannabis and cocaine use disorders. His expertise extends to a range of areas, making him a versatile and compassionate practitioner specializing in men’s issues motivational interviewing, cognitive behavioral and solution focused therapy, and he brings a holistic approach to therapy. Alongside this, he also offers career counseling, anger management, substance use, counseling, psychoeducation, group counseling, stress management and suicide prevention. With his dedication and passion for helping others, we are honored to have him as a guest on our podcast, please join me in warmly welcoming, and please join me in warmly welcoming this exceptional mental health advocate. Welcome, Mr. T. Thank you. Amazing, amazing, amazing Well, you know, we set it all, but we really didn’t say at all, because we see that you’re busy, but I’m curious what got you into doing so much work in the community. Um,
Telvin Peterson
I think it’s the lack of representation. A little bit about me, I grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, with Baltimore, Maryland, a little bit. You ever seen the movie wire, that’s pretty much what it looks like in certain parts, all of Baltimore is in the same way. Just the overall picture was more is very much similar to what you’ve seen in a while. People who had a lot of friends that people went to high school with who kind of ended up on that side, and out of prison, dead, still selling drugs, whatever the case may be. And just growing up, I really didn’t have my fathers in my life, my stepfather was in my life. But it was so easy to be in the streets. And when it came to having a male role model, who was who was present who you could talk to, because where I come from, you know, my, my parents, they worked all the time. So, I was home alone a lot. So, it was either me doing something that I’m not supposed to be doing, or I’m bored. But it wasn’t until I kind of picked up football where I kind of had that father positive role model in my life. And someone I was able to talk to ask questions in something that will keep me busy. And then after that, it’s like really not no other spaces. It really made me many other spaces to be in and get that, so I thought you know what, let me be that person for my community. But I haven’t been back to Baltimore in years. Why? I haven’t been back to Baltimore years.
Dr. Connie Omari
I heard you say is that why? Because you don’t want to get in that crowd.
Telvin Peterson
Oh, no. This is life. Yeah.
Dr. Connie Omari
That gets you.
Telvin Peterson
Yeah, I grew up in Maryland. I grew up in Baltimore. I came down with play football in West Virginia. Wow. My knee. I stopped playing my mom to Charlotte. So, I ended up moving to Charlotte, North Carolina. Right. I’m in South Carolina right now.
Dr. Connie Omari
Okay, I’m in North Carolina. I didn’t know that. Yeah. Raleigh.
Telvin Peterson
Okay. Yeah. So moved a lot growing up as well. So, I’ve kind of been all over but I kind of settled here. And this is where I kind of picked up my career so unnecessarily kicked off this way. I’m here now. I’m trying to figure out a way to make my way back to North Carolina, South Carolina. Dictation definite representation matters.
Dr. Connie Omari
It does. It does. We said something very important. And I want to see if we can keen on in on this. So, we might well, well, we’ll see where it goes. But you are, we’re faced with the same temptations that a lot of black men are faced with which a lot of them grew up without dads, a lot of them see that street lifestyle. A lot of black men succumb to it, you know, doesn’t mean that they’re bad people, does it mean that, you know, whatever you can kind of feel as maybe into why some do. But I’m really curious as to how you were able not to, because that’s the key. It’s not that you weren’t tempted you, you were exposed. I mean, it seemed like the easy way, but just something clicked in your brain that said, no, I’m going to represent these people that stand in the gap and not fall into the trap. How did you do that?
Telvin Peterson
Um, I think it is something that happens. It doesn’t, it doesn’t happen right away. I think it’s something that happens as you get a little older. As most people you know, when you’re in middle school, and you’re 1011 years old, you’re not thinking about know those type of things you’re not really thinking about. I remember being stopped by a police officer and brought back to the school because we were we weren’t doing anything illegal necessarily. While we were friends decided to walk a different way home from school, and it was in someone’s backyard, who called the police on us. And that was like, that might have may not have been my first moment of feeling like being criminalized, but just moments like that, and kind of can set the tone for the rest of our lives if you allow it to. And I think it wasn’t until maybe high school where I thought, okay, I may have an opportunity to do something different with my life. So let me focus on this thing. Um, and also being away from certain people, certain environments. There was a point in time, it was a point in time where I believe I could have gone down a dark path on fire didn’t move. And I don’t know if it was being bored or being in a school where there’s people in gangs, who were you in ninth grade, and you have someone in your classes a gang member who’s trying to recruit you, there’s different things like that, or like skipping school, because it’s fun. And because somebody else is doing it, and you’re doing the same, but they don’t. So, a lot of it is I think is the one doing things that fit in. Because maybe you may not have that support at home, or maybe you just bought some you may have support at home, sometimes you just bought it, and you want to fit in. And you know, everybody’s situation is a little bit different. But I think once I realized that I could have made better opportunities for myself and my family. I think that’s where that’s where I went towards. Because I have met a black man yet who doesn’t want to, you know, by the mother at home, when he makes an NFL, or makes an immediate whatever the case is. And that was kind of my motivation for a while. And that led me on a pathway. Okay, let me not, you know, delve in this type of lifestyle, because I really don’t want to do that to myself or my family.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah. Because think about the consequences. We jump out there we do it, but we don’t think about oh my god, like what would happen if I got incarcerated or? Yeah.
Telvin Peterson
And that’s the message now I try to sin to a lot of young men even, you know, men is oldest 70, some years old, sometimes had to have these conversations, conversation a little bit different. The older the individual is, um, the message is always the same. It’s really knowing who you’re living for knowing, understanding your Y. If you understand what your y is, we can define what that is, and you would make decisions that is congruent with that. Otherwise, you just be going out there doing anything. And that’s what I try to instill into the people.
Dr. Connie Omari
Thank you for that. Ironically, I was incarcerated. We were just talking about that and I’m very transparent about it on the show. But growing up that wasn’t something I saw a lot of I did not getting into the system and realizing okay, it does happen with women too. But typically, our thing is, or at least from what I saw, there was a lot of getting in relationships with these men. And having been incarcerated most of the women who are incarcerated were in they took the fall for the man, or they killed the man, or you know when you know attack them meaning or something like that. So that I did see that once incarcerated, but as a child, I saw them getting in relationships, and I saw them getting pregnant and getting on the system and getting trapped. And I remember saying to myself to something clicked in me, because I’ve always been kind of scarcity, you know to do like real is that’s why it’s so funny that I end up incarcerated because I, I’ve always, like, followed all the rules. And I was a little scared to live the lifestyle. But I, like you said was tempted in saw a lot of things. It was like, well, this would be fun to do this. I mean, I remember in not passing judgment, but I remember everybody that I was in school with in middle school, and we were just talking about guys, we were just talking about how cool it was to, to date a thug who smoked weed and sold drugs. I mean, we are just I just thought that was the coolest thing ever. And I’m not going to lie. You know, I did it. To me, like, maybe nine months from now, when I was when I was young. I was yeah, it was definitely in grade school. But the point is, at some point, I thought about, like my age now and approaching 40. And I thought about the people who I knew were that age. They either were all broke, with multiple children with different fathers were, who were angry, and unhappy and discontent and things like that. And I said, oh, my God, I said, if I make these choices at 1214 15, when I’m 35, is that the person I want to be? You know, and but for us back in the day, we had, I mean, I had, first of all, I came from a relatively influential family, with respect on both sides. But we are still I still have the media like we had, we didn’t know about Cosby in this nonsense. But back in the day, we could see a black doctor and Claire Huxtable, a black attorney, we can see a different world and there were other shows family matters. What are some of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? I mean, we, you know, we grew up, so at least I knew that there was a world outside of what I was directly exposed to. What do these children have today? I mean, am I missing something? Because we don’t really have a lot? Definitely like, not like, no, you know, he’ll mean college type stuff, you know, to influence our children.
Telvin Peterson
blackish I think that kind of most of that, but I think that could be someone in representation. Um, I don’t know, I don’t watch TV so often.
Dr. Connie Omari
either. I don’t watch it either. So, once it’s going to be a YouTube, there’s some shows, we can watch, please comment in the bio, because neither one of us know. But you know, all those shows that I was referencing, right? Right. Because back in the day, we will just watch cable, you know, this is a little different now. But what are some what are some tools that you know, people have maybe not media, but or TV. But what are some things people can get into a podcast is when we met podcast back then.
Telvin Peterson
And you said earlier YouTube. And while I’m working in, in the prison systems, and I’m talking to the guys about different things, and what I always tell them is, is you can create or recreate your circle. And what I mean is, if there’s a certain thing that you’re interested in, sort of thing that you want to learn about. That means there’s an audience for that. To research that, and you put that in the engine box, and you search, then there’s going to be people who show up who’s within that space. Now what you do just follow those people who follow them on all platforms. And yeah, you’re in prison, you’re not supposed to have a cell phone, I know people in prison have the cell phone do it the right way get out of prison, you go home, instead of worrying about the people around you recreate the people you want to be around, you just recreate that circle, and you follow the people who are doing things that you want to do. And in doing that, and you watch them on a consistent basis you’re watching the content ecosystem, basically what’s going to happen is you’re going to begin to understand their language. And when understanding their language, you able to be able to articulate and regurgitate that information to the point where now you understand it now, you’re able to make certain moves based off of what you learned being around those people. The same is if you’re around seven millionaires, then you will be the eighth Yeah, absolutely. Base you will become you essentially, you become a product of the environment, but most people forget the fact that you become a part of your environment, but what really means is your environment influences you so just because you can from, let’s say, on flagbearers, bad environment doesn’t mean you will become a bad person. Because you could just easily use that as motivation to become something different. Right? So, we have a product wire van, we just have two spaces.
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely. Wow, thank you so much for that. Mr. P. Um, it’s funny that you mentioned that because when I was thinking about, well, just to throw this in there for the people who I guess, if you’re incarcerating kit probably won’t have access to this podcast, but I’m sure people will be listening, who knows someone who’s incarcerated. And I just wanted to say on a regular basis, I send my girlfriend books, and magazines. So, you know, they do have access. Now I think different prisons have different rules for how it’s done. But I’m pretty sure all of them will accept books from Amazon. So, I believe if you mail a book from home, because I want it to bring my Bible in, but people put like drugs and stuff in the pages. So, they won’t allow you to do that. But you if you have them shipped straight from the publisher, but to be to be your best bet is directly from Amazon. They shouldn’t have a problem with that. So, they can get information into the prisons to help prepare them for their release. Yeah, yeah. And then, of course, yeah, we have out here on the streets. I mean, people, I get really frustrated when people are lazy and just don’t know stuff. Because there’s so much information. And as someone who’s in the virtual world and is really learning how to make my information available, so that the community can get it. It’s really not that complicated. It is time consuming to for the Creator. Now for the for the consumer, it’s really not even that difficult to get the information.
Telvin Peterson
is laid out there.
Dr. Connie Omari
But we don’t do that Mr. P, we do what we’ve seen. I’ve seen people see that their relationship, their parents had horrible relationships, and they turn around and they go, and they do the same exact relationship style that their parents did. Or, you know, drugs, for instance, you saw like 20 People go to jail or die? Like, why would you turn around and do the same thing? Why do you think that is? Mr. P?
Telvin Peterson
I think a lot of because I work with a lot of people who have a lot of comorbidities, where I work with a lot of people who have some type of mental illness, they also have substance use that sort of assistance usually is the family history. That’s hard to escape. And I think part of it too, could we do and sometimes people talk about addiction, they might talk about biochemical, XY and Z. But I don’t want to go that far. But at some level, there becomes a change in a person’s DNA. Some, and it’s called epigenetics in that something that influences your DNA from generation to generation, it’s like things being passed down. Like trauma, for example, I don’t know if you ever heard about post traumatic slave syndrome.
Dr. Connie Omari
But I have
Telvin Peterson
I mean, these things are just passed down when these traumas and then what happens is, they’re conditioned to cope with their stress and traumas in these ways that they’ve seen different members do. And there’s not everybody responds to the same thing in the same way. So, there’s people who come from these environments where they’ve seen the parent may suffer from bipolar disorder was aggressive and nasty towards them. They also use drugs in their watch their parents died from that. And then the children of these parents tend to not want to go down that path. But then there are some people who do. So, I think it’s, I don’t want, I think everybody has their own level of resilience. And I can’t say why exactly, but I think it’s hard to get themselves out of something they just used to do. But if you start early on and say no, I’m not going to participate in this, I’m not going to allow myself to be a victim of xy and z, then chances are, they won’t, but if they just come to it and accept it for what it is, without trying to escape it, then they just become that, um, I think we can we can, you know, point a finger at a number of different things, but I think everybody’s a little bit different. And once that falls out, Apple wants to ditch the addictive part of it. It’s kind of like an It’s becoming a chemical dependency because the body is going to use these things. The body definitely keeps score.
Dr. Connie Omari
It definitely does. It definitely does. And, you know, I think that even my question came from more or less a privileged perspective. Because, yes, we do have access to information. But like you said, when you see, first of all, the internet, that’s still like, in the metaverse, you know, when you see Mom and Dad, and when you see your, your environment that’s tangible. That’s, that’s still here. And one thing I think the pandemic brought to everybody’s attention was, how much how little resources our community had. I remember seeing pictures of children having to go to Taco Bell to get the internet to do the virtual schooling, you know, so, I mean, what good is YouTube, if the children who need to watch it can’t assess it? You know,
Telvin Peterson
and I’ve been I’ve been in deposition before, or COVID. I was out of camera with this 29 This was 2011 or 2012. undergrad, I had to take some class, some school classes, and I didn’t have Wi Fi. So, I had to go into McDonald’s to get my work done.
Dr. Connie Omari
I’m not trying to be ignorant, but it was it for financial reasons. Um, was that what your financial? Is that why you didn’t have one? Like, why didn’t you have Wi Fi?
Telvin Peterson
so, a little bit more about me is my parents got divorced very early on. And so it was, my dad lived by himself, okay. And my dad had no need for the internet. But he didn’t have for a while because it was just him. And he’s rarely ever home. Right?
Dr. Connie Omari
He will drop. the value in it to him. He didn’t need it. So, there’s no point in purchasing it. Right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Telvin Peterson
We had to drop me off at McDonald’s. When I will call him when he when he, I will call him like, No, I’m finished around doing that I just wouldn’t do that. I’m in and that was, I don’t know, 20. Something at that time. So
Dr. Connie Omari
wow, that’s amazing. Gosh. So, you, you know firsthand, like what that’s like, my parents were both into education. So even though, like we of course, we didn’t have Internet back in the day either. But soon as it was available, have a mess. And then that’s what I have to say, too. Sometimes you come from good soil. You know, I’ll be transparent about this. Some of my hard knock life experiences came from the fact that my parents got caught up in the crack cocaine era. So, they were highly educated, but they were exposed, you know, when you go to these white schools, especially if they were putting in a crack in the 80s like nobody’s business. And my parents were like, you know, black community like was that, you know, oh, by the time my parents realize what it is, we’ve got a full-blown addiction. So that being said, I saw a lot of hard stuff. But I was always buffered. I was always protected. And I hate to say it well, I don’t hate to say education, and financial access. I mean, those are two things that will, it won’t protect you from everything, okay. But it can help buffer. So I just, I mean, my heart goes out to, you know, a lot of the people that I went to school with, like, they didn’t see, yeah, I could look on TV and see a different world with people in college like people, but my cousins were in college half and I have to at least 10 doctors on both sides of my family. So, you know, this isn’t a big deal for me. So, I recognize that. That’s not everybody’s story, everybody who’s black, especially. So, I just think that’s just very important. You know, we talk about white privilege, but, you know, I’ve had to acknowledge that I have, you know, maybe education privilege or, you know, financial privilege because you best believe if I needed the internet, somebody was going to make sure I had, you know, so, anyway, um, gosh, that’s just so what is I want to talk about black men and depression. Where do you do you want to kind of transition to that, are we going to kind of say in this space, because I feel like you have a lot to offer in both.
Telvin Peterson
Both. I just speak a little bit about what we’re talking about, and then we kind of transition. Okay. We’re just to speak on some things that you were talking about. Sometimes, you know, we kind of just become We just become a probably good product of our environment. And then that’s not necessarily a negative thing. I came from a space where I kind of had to rely on myself and from certain things, and I have to understand the concept of doing for yourself. And I’ve learned, it took me around, I had to learn that if I want something done, then I probably shouldn’t rely on someone else to do it for me. So, I have to be proactive about things I would do. So, another part about my experiences. Once I went to college and moved back home, there really wasn’t, there wasn’t when I first came back home, um, maybe was probably like Thanksgiving break, there was space for me. So, I have my own space to be able to do what I needed to do. But when I moved, like, that’s the time I was living in West Virginia and going to school, it was a junior, whatever moved back, when my mother moved to Charlotte, things a little bit different spaces a little bit different. And my expectations were a little bit different. So, when it came to me having my own space to study and do work, things like that, I really didn’t have that. And I worked a long time trying to find my own space or get my own space or getting my own apartment, so that I can be in a space that allows me to be successful. Not to say that my, where my mother’s home wasn’t a space for me to be successful, but you’re working against a lot when you’re in a house full of people. Or were you in another space where everyone is just loud, and you really don’t have the time to really get done what you need to get done early, just too many distractions, so often find myself going to the library trying to get things done. I’m going nice places trying to get things done. So always, before I had a car, I would have plenty of time where I was out of college. Well, it was sounds I was in college when I graduated college, and it just awkward point where I’m trying to find employment. And at this time, I didn’t have a vehicle. So, I would some days, it would take me two hours just to get to work. And that’s just one way. So, I spent a lot of time on it nice being in these awkward positions or being in these spaces that I had to actually go out there and do certain things for myself if I want it to be successful. And then a lot of times is to try to do it on your own. And we try to do things on your own, it’s a little bit more difficult. So, it’s really, always a lack of support, but you feel is is lack of support. But I’ve always been the type of person who try to do things on their own before I ask for help. So I will go a very long time suffering before I actually ask for help. And I think that’s part of the problem with a lot of black men that I see is they try to do everything on their own, they just had a little bit of help a whole lot easier. Or at least somewhat easier. And you will see less depression, you will see less anger, anxiety. And simply because what I hear on almost every day, but while repairing is man up or be a man about it. And that minimizes that minimizes our experience. When that is said, so you feel like you were lonely feel like nobody gets nobody understand you. And you suffer in silence, and you try to do the best you can. But if you come from a space where you are dependent upon to do certain things, or even if you are nothing, I see this because I want to stay consistent. But what I see a lot of is the boy, the oldest boy, or even the man in the family ended up becoming, playing the role as a father figure. And even playing the role as what the boyfriend or husband would
Dr. Connie Omari
say, Yeah, I’m not sure exactly what she’s talking about.
Telvin Peterson
And those things create extra pressures, you know, on the people in those positions, because they have to be this, they have to do that. And they want to, it’s hard for them to be able to do those things but be themselves or live the life they want to live because they’re already living for their siblings or their mothers or whatever the case may be. And they take on these roles. And then when they go out into life and try to do the things, they need to do is a little bit difficult because it’s still that burden of taking care of their family, even if they started in all films. So now they have to take care of their own family but also notice there’s this feeling of guilt that they feel if they prioritize their own family over you know, the Same as in a mother and things like that,
Dr. Connie Omari
which contributes to the cycle because you’re supposed to prioritize the husband, the wife, children. But if he had this loyalty because you know, Mommy got no husband, you know, your sisters need your little brothers. Yeah, that’s hard. First of all, Mr. P, I’ve learned so much about you, when I didn’t know much to begin with, but just to hear where you came from, I mean, you’re talking about someone who didn’t have the internet, now providing psychotherapy and counseling to so many mental health resources to so many different populations. I mean, that’s just amazing. And that’s something that, you know, I guess, a one, I guess, I know, a lot of our community identifies with, like, we say that education is the tool. That’s the key, but accessing education, even though it is free. It’s not necessarily free. Like, I mean, I’m going back to this COVID summit, we were buying food for people, you know what I’m saying these people didn’t have lunch? How are you going to focus on math? And you hungry? You know what I mean? You can’t even you know, so, um, and something else. And this is, I guess, getting to where we got to go today with the depression piece. I mean, how can you not be depressed? And when you’re a man, I can’t imagine at least like, I mean, I’ll be transparent right now, with what happened with my legal issue. Obviously, I stopped practicing. And some of my streams of income were reduced. But I was able to fortunately lean on my husband, who is, you know, very financially, he rich, but he’s definitely not poor and can’t support our family. That being said, a lot of people don’t have that, like, when a lot of people, you find yourself in a situation like me, you are losing kids house car. I mean, you name it. And, and, you know, on the flip side, you know, as the man it’s like, what if you can’t, I mean, my unfortunate that he was in a position, but what if it wasn’t? What if he wasn’t in a position to save the day? You know, like, many of our black men are not, you know, and they’re expected to be the providers, and they’re expected to be the protectors, but like you said, they get pulled over by the police, and constantly reminding them look, you still a black man, you know, and, you know, heaven forbid, if they don’t have education or financial access, that brings adds on a whole nether layer? Um, how, what would you say, is the number one thing that black men are depressed about?
Telvin Peterson
Finances, finding finances. And I can see, so when my mother and my stepmom, I’m sorry, my mother, my stepdad, um, they’ve been together for a very long time. And throughout that I’ve kind of I’ve seen some things like I’ve been on the side where we will be considered, you know, middle-class, middle-class family. I remember when there was a point in time, it was just me and my mom, I remember every Saturday faithfully, she got me, she had my little brother on the bus. And we went to my dominant mall in Baltimore, Maryland. And that was our day. When my stepdad came back into the picture, I can just see how we like progressively moved up the ladder to the point where everything was all good financially. Over time, things happen. And right now, my mom is disabled, so she’s unable to work. And I remember just being in college and struggling myself, and just hearing things about my mom and my mom being so stressed out, and my stepdad being stressed about financial situation, because my mom was just unable to work because of her injuries. And I don’t know if you know anything about disability, but it takes a long time,
Dr. Connie Omari
a very long time
Telvin Peterson
to get to where it needs to go to. So, it was a very long time where, you know, my stepdad was just he had to do all these things and just hearing, you know, this hearing about all the things that he would do in response to the stress that he was under, it just it understood, the amount of pressure it will create. And then it I know how it changes the dynamic of the relationship with everyone in the household. And then sometimes it can lead to making decisions that you usually wouldn’t make or just make a decision based on when you say you know what, I need this for myself. So, you may do something that’s not smart on an on a financial standpoint and things, but this is your way of decompressing decision Your way of trying to realize you were trying to, in a lot of ways escape from the reality that you have to face even though it doesn’t go anywhere. It allows you some downtime. But a lot of cases may just make the situation worse. And I found myself adopting some of that stuff, some of those limiting beliefs. And it was crazy about it is, most in most cases, they’re not going to tell you what to believe. But you just see what they believe you just is something that you just pick up on. Or you’re just conditioned to believe or thinking these ways. And you have to try to combat these things. We hear a lot of people say, Man, I’m trying to bridge generational curses. And that’s something you have to really pay attention to, or be conscious of, because if you allow yourself to believe in these, these ideas about finances, then you’re going to limit your finances. And I had to learn that not to stress out about my financial situation. And understand that if I want to create a better financial situation for myself, there are certain things that I will have to do. When I probably wouldn’t do these things, if I believe that I wouldn’t, I wasn’t capable of getting in that place anyway. So, I wouldn’t even do certain things. And because of what I’ve seen, and what I’ve tried to have to work my way out of I started to educate myself on you know, financial literacy in how to invest, what to invest in these different types of places are working, putting that money, learning how to pay myself first is setting myself up. So, where if something happens to me, my family didn’t care, or something happens to me. They’re not they’re not having a GoFundMe page not having a fish fry. They’re not having a carwash trying to raise money to prepare for my funeral services.
Dr. Connie Omari
Excuse me for cutting you off. But I am. It’s so refreshing to hear this. Because on the one hand, you’re saying one of the biggest stressors for black men is finances. Well as the head we send that message that money and wealth in whatever is a bad thing that only rich people who are who have money are bad people, or you must have gotten money by doing something. This is me coming from a personal place because of my experience, but it’s truthful, like we see those narratives. So I think there’s certain conditionings that we’re putting in place that keep us poor, because we don’t want to be seen as a bad person. You know, but you’re right. I tell somebody, I’m tired of this GoFundMe pages. I mean, I’m being honest, if you really need them, that’s one thing. But if you live the lifestyle of just not, you know, making me feel bad, because I wrote, you know, because I’ve made good choices, and financial, you know, investments and things like that, but yet you’d have it but you can’t even bury yourself, you know, or your kid through college, or, you know, get gas, you know what I mean? You like some people up here, and you know what these income tax is coming home. First thing you do buy Jordans for all you kids, you ain’t got nowhere to live. You know what I’m saying? Like, and then you wondering about why you’re depressed about finances. So I don’t know. I don’t know if you could speak like one that like how we’re because we’re some of the biggest consumers will swell. We can spend some money, you know what I’m saying? It’s making it an investing it that we’re struggling with. So I want your take on that. And I also want your take on a probably shouldn’t give you two questions at once. But education because as we’ve listed, as we’ve identified, sometimes there’s barriers to kid education. I think sometimes we run into a trap where we feel like, you know, we have to be a lawyer or we have to be a doctor. And if we’re not smart enough, or if we don’t have the support or if we don’t have the tool to do that career, then we can’t be successful. But like I have a customer who’s a barber he cut the mess out of your hair. You know what I’m saying? He makes a very very effect several my cousins are barbers. Several level I have roofers that are in my families are having these careers that don’t require a lot of education. But they still can you can still be very successful. Can you speak on that?
Telvin Peterson
Okay, what was the first one?
Dr. Connie Omari
I got lucky but I forgot the first one. The first one was No, that’s a shame because I’m the host and I should be asking questions that are answerable. So let’s focus on the second one for now. Remember it
Telvin Peterson
I think I think I kind of remember the first one okay. But I’m feeling so fresh in my experience when when I start learning about different things in this a lot of agents to know. You started to feel overwhelmed. There’s a lot of times where I just been excited about getting something done and doing something and I started doing it said, Okay, I got this, I got this, I got this. But then once I realized the amount of work is the amount of work that is required to do this thing like, okay, Tom, I’ll just press pause for a second. What am I doing. And I think a lot of people may have experienced that, when talking about was trying to learn about financial literacy, or maybe trying to learn a trade, or maybe trying to learn how to pay themselves first, or trying to learn a new skill. They may be excited about it, but there’s all of a sudden, it just gets this overwhelming feeling of self doubt. And a lot of that has to do with their own self confidence. Or maybe things have been said to them in the past, where they just have been conditioned to doubt themselves. And that has a lot to do with sometimes what parents say to their children, how they respond to the children, were or not even being supportive towards the children when it comes to certain things. And that shows up a lot. On the education piece, I think we’re the only case because I think a lot of it is what I just said. Um, and okay, I think that was the answer to the second the first question.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah, it was.
Telvin Peterson
fine. I think well, spending? Yeah, I think the first question is about spending portion of it when you have this money, but then not using it the right way.
Dr. Connie Omari
Right, right.
Telvin Peterson
Out of people turn to material things as a way to measure their self-worth in comparison to other people.
Dr. Connie Omari
So, if you have nice, Jordans, then you feel better about yourself?
Telvin Peterson
Yeah, people. And I think, and I think the reason for that is because you get more attention than when you have certain material things. So that improves your self esteem a little bit because other people notice, if if I pull it out of my driveway with the BMW and I go to work, everybody’s gonna look at myself. Hey, Mr. P. Okay, Mr. Peterson, you, what you doing? Yeah, I’m not driving that and we work at the same place. What are you doing? So it can be a little bit different responses. But let’s say if I came, if I go to my mom’s house in the BMW, she looked at me, he’s like, would you get that type of money from about? And that’s not necessarily a negative thing. But, you know, I’ll be looked at as the person in the family who got has all this money. I just probably just managed my money the right way.
Dr. Connie Omari
Or investing? I mean, you can people we, as in the black community, yes, this all ties together, we got to stop looking at our education, as or our financial job as like our only source of income. There’s so many different ways that you can make money, I don’t care. If you are a doctor or an attorney, there’s still other ways to bring in an income that are outside of whatever it is your trade is in or your education is it. So we don’t need to limit ourselves to what we can tangibly do when there’s other resources and tools to getting money.
Telvin Peterson
Yeah. And the other thing I want to speak on too, is that sometimes people live above their means. And they do. Like this, they put on this, I don’t say you put on a persona, but you create this image of yourself, so others won’t see what’s really going on. So if I showed up for like, one of my favorite cars, and I wanted to G wagon, I’m probably I can, I can’t afford it right now. But I’m pretty sure I get to the point where like in my life where I can be able to afford it, doing the various strategies that’s out there about how to get into putting your business name and things of that nature. Else.
Dr. Connie Omari
It’s not that hard to do. But it’s not that hard to do.
Telvin Peterson
I know that something is either they’re gonna say either. I know you can’t afford this, but how are they going to ask me how can I afford these purchases that if they can afford but only the only way they can afford it is if they neglect something else and they neglect another bill, they get rid of some bills or whatever the case is. So some people just live beyond their means because it’s a symbol of wealth or something of that nature. So they may get these things. Because in a way, they may be insecure in some areas and because they have this thing people are questioning them. This person had this type of vehicle this means this about this person, and it’s something you just want to keep up with the Joneses. And that’s the reality for a lot of people. They may not have this but we still got some doors on it she and I wouldn’t I live in The country. And most of the people who are living around are older people. So there’s some some older people who have lived their lives and they drive BMWs and drive Mercedes. Um, but I wouldn’t feel like I feel like I’ll be like a sore thumb to be to live where I live to be driving a driving a G Wagen or Java, Ferrari, things like that. It just doesn’t, it just doesn’t fit. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I could be living beyond my means. It just certain things that certain values that I had that would influence decisions that I make. So I know, I just moved into a family home that is renovated. And let’s say I decided to go out and get a brand new BMW, something like that. To me, that’s something I wouldn’t do. Because I’m about learning and creating generational wealth. So before I was to make an investment, it would have to be an investment. But before I would do something like that, I would spend my money and trying to add more equity in this home. Because I understand the value in that before I was able to make that purchase. But I mean, I could I could still do that I can still go out and make a purchase of the vehicle. But to me, that wouldn’t be smart. But that’s because I have a different type of understanding how things were, and what it’s like to have equity. And what is d depreciation and things of that nature. And I think a lot of people just don’t, they don’t have the education and to use that symbol. And I think that means a lot to people with symbols. And I think that’s why I think there’s this also emotional attachment towards these things, even though it’s just material things.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, I just want to do my own plug. I subscribe to this YouTube channel if you haven’t already. But I have a faceless YouTube channel called Black wealth channel. And so for those that are listening, I’m educating the black community about wealth in the black community. So, you know, it’s just, we’re just starting it, it’s a brand new page, but I do expect that, you know, we will be able to leave a pretty big impact and just teaching because we don’t we just don’t know. I mean, we came here as slaves, you know, and I think, you know, once we were able to begin working for money, we were excited, like, we’re like, Okay, well, now we don’t have to be out here doing it for free, at least we’re getting paid. But we lost touch with like you said investing, real estate, passive income, passive cash flow, things like that, that we can also just, you know, take care of our families, and produce, like you said, generational wealth. So black men, we’re out here being depressed about, you know, your financial circumstances, I’m not knocking it, I know, it’s gotta be difficult, but encourage yourself to start thinking of other ways to gain income one, you don’t have to be a doctor, or an attorney. My husband is an engineer. And even though he does have a bachelor’s degree, he he’s from Africa. So I don’t know if he would want me to share this, but I’m just gonna take this risk, because I want to help you people. And he doesn’t really listen to our shows that much. But occasionally he will. So and he probably will catch this anyway. Nonetheless, when he was ready to practice that degree here. They wouldn’t accept it, which is weird, because I’ve been trained in Africa to and their educational system is very rigorous. But of course, it’s a third world country, they wouldn’t accept it. So he went to a trade school, he went to a trade school and was able to get the same information that he got a bachelor’s degree, it cost him well, it cost him It didn’t cost much like a four year degree but cost here. So he got it for cheaper. He did it in less time. And he needs me being I’m don’t know you don’t want me to tell you how much he makes. But I will say enough to take care of his entire family. We live very well as a single parent family household. So that’s just one avenue. You know, you could there’s other things that you get that he had to get like some certificates and stuff. But my point is you don’t have to go to a four year degree then get a two year master’s didn’t get a four year you know, doctor, whatever it is that we say is success. It doesn’t have to be that way. And so that’s the nine to five way that you can do it and then like like Mr. P was saying, there are investments there are so many different ways that you can make money work for you that don’t require you to work for your money.
Telvin Peterson
Absolutely experience. And one of the things I preached and I don’t say I want to say I’m necessarily limited in the amount of people I can reach But when I’m working with individuals who are incarcerated, a lot of them aren’t drug dealers, if they’re not judges, they’re probably doing something they probably shouldn’t be doing. But they have figured out a way to make something out of nothing. So you can figure out how to make something out of nothing once you get out of prison, or even if he’s still in prison, and you’re able to make money. There should be ways that you have are using that money to then reinvest it into yourself and into your family.
Dr. Connie Omari
Literally. Absolutely. Yeah. When you think about the amount of money that these drug dealers come across, and when they get prosecutable. Yeah, nothing. Like you don’t have any. And one, it just so you’ll know, I’m not you. But though people are listening, listening, drug billing is a business. It is a business, you know, and I, when I did date, my drug dealer in high school, I remember I saw a little bit about how he was running his operation, and I just couldn’t help even then I was thinking, gosh, if he were to put this knowledge of business and investment, because you invest a certain amount for a product, and you expect what you sell it for a higher amount, that’s, that’s, that’s all the business is like, you know, it’d be making a profit or return on your investment. So those skills can be applied in a way that won’t get you incarcerated. kill people and won’t make you always have to look over your shoulder. You know, there are ways that you can take those same skills from the drug aid and make them legal.
Telvin Peterson
Yeah, in, I kind of went out when I speak to guys, I kinda know if you’re a drug dealer or not, and they kind of tell themselves not by saying, they might not say they sell drugs, they might not say them X amount of money. But they’ll say, I put my my child to college back here, or I bought my family new house, these things like those are indications to me that they’re probably making money back in whatever way they’re making money.
Dr. Connie Omari
So you met so you’ve dealt with smart drug dealers, because most of the drug dealers in me, I’m not trying to be dumb. But a lot of us do they have the money to do that. But they don’t want fine Jordans and all these new cars that they you know, flashy stuff.
Telvin Peterson
And once you once you, once a person goes to prison, it changes a lot of change
Dr. Connie Omari
the dynamics you’re talking about after they get out of prison. Say that again? I’m sorry, at what point in the lifecycle? Are you talking to these people who are getting put into college?
Telvin Peterson
while they’re in prison? Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. So this deep in prison, who is making money who talks about they serve extra money is sitting served 10 years. And they started with 10 years and put their children through college and then got into bed chair, children, vehicles and things of that nature. So they’re actively they activity, they have active source of income. And then they’re
Dr. Connie Omari
while they’re incarcerated while they’re incarcerated. And
Telvin Peterson
you guys who I’ve spoken to who took it upon themselves to educate themselves, while they’re incarcerated, to reinvest to be able to help their family. So there’s people in prison who have real estate portfolios who didn’t have that those things. Wow.
Dr. Connie Omari
I’m gonna tell you crazy, I hated it. It was it was the it was the worst season Am I well, actually, it was the investigation leading up to it. But it changes you. And you look at life differently. So when you tell me I, the things I saw, yes, I saw some pretty bad things. But some people were on the hustle and on their grind, too, in legal ways. You know, and I’m not going to lie, a lot of people in there, they don’t need to be in there either. I don’t think I should have been, but I’m being biased. But there were other people who should not have been in prison. But anyway, we’re not going there. The point is, once you get there, when you get broke, you can get broken down to a point where there’s nowhere to go, but up. And when you go up, you soar. So I can certainly see what you’re saying. You know, how you can be there and still make it out here.
Telvin Peterson
Just being in the space that I’m in while I’m working the prison system. There’s a lot that goes on. There’s a lot of things that can happen that can change the course of someone’s life tremendously. When it comes to black men in depression from at least from the black men I spoken to while they’re incarcerated now, there are a lot of guys. They are depressed because they’re away from them. Most people are depressed because they’re away from their family. There’s right now they have these tablets so they’re able to talk to their families now. There’s issues with those tablets, things of that nature. Then there’s people who don’t even worry about the tablets because they have their cell phone On a tablet. But in my experience, what I hear a lot from black men is anxiety, or both, sometimes it’s PTSD. But when I speak to a lot of these guys, especially younger guys, the reason for a reason that led them into the lifestyle that they live, or into selling drugs or committing a crime that they did is, was due to financial issues. They felt like they had to do what they needed to do in order to make money. And it’s really sad stories when people go out there, and they do things because they have to support their siblings, and they had to support their mother grandmother, whatever the case may be, and they do something that takes them away from the very people that motivated, I want to say that people motivated motivated them to do that. But the their Why was a reason for them doing something probably shouldn’t have. So now they’re removed from being able to help them or at least be present. But sometimes you can go to prison. And you can support your family better behind bars, just because everything is a cream. But the other side to that it is also a it puts other people at risk. Because there’s officers and other staff members who bring their things all the time and then they end up having to serve time in jail themselves. A roaring nature is because they have bringing contraband and things like that. Um, but depression is, even when talking about outside the institution, depression is a big thing. I think a lot of that is I mean, other factors, obviously. But a lot of that is is I believe, is influenced by finances, especially if you come from a space where finances were limited. Or just have limited resources, usually finances is too big determinant of depression the black community will be is something that a percentage of our community just uneducated about unaware of, or is born into something that they really have no control over. And the only way they see out is what they see on TV or what they see from their families.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, I’m glad we have podcasts like this, and I know it won’t reach everybody, but it will reach some people. And that’s what we’re all about doing is really just breaking this cycle. So if there’s anything that you would like to make sure that black men knew, especially those that are suffering with depression and other forms of mental illness that he referenced, what would that be mistaken?
Telvin Peterson
Is that there is help don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be prideful, don’t be so prideful. I have been at a point in my life where I needed someone I needed something I just needed thing as needed. I suffered in silence for a very long time. And when I went to tell someone so to move back a little bit, I think the reason why we tend to not say anything because we feel like we will be judged or we feel too embarrassed to say anything. But sometimes we have to just be able to let that go and just ask them when we need it and because everybody has their own experience everybody has something that they may not like someone else you know, but so be you have to be okay with asking for help. Whatever the case is, and you may find that things become a whole lot easier when others are aware of what you have going on and understanding that you need help Are you willing to do what you need to do to get that help? People are more willing to assist you. If someone wants to come to me about something when they need help with and I understood this story I’m more willing to help that person and this was what most people you know, you’re gonna get your nose you might not get the response that you think you may get sometimes but that’s okay. You’re gonna hear no one like anyway
Dr. Connie Omari
anyway and one step closer to Yes,
Telvin Peterson
right right. So you may get you know 100 nose but that one yes you get me change your life after you have to go into that that that state of mind to really understand that. And what helped me understand that was later on in life. I’m working in sales. That if you if you spend some time learning sales and working in sales and how to deal with rebuttals that will, it will move you forward alive, especially with the life lesson sales can teach you. But yeah, excellent help and understand that you’re not in this alone. There’s other people who have similar experiences. People are willing to help you work through those things as they have gone through things themselves.
Dr. Connie Omari
Perfect, perfect. Perfect. Well, Mr. P, you are a wealth of knowledge. We are so honored that you shared that with us today. I know one place we can find us tick tock because that’s where I found you. You’re you’re currently practice Do you practice? Are you practicing therapy?
Telvin Peterson
Yeah, so I practice therapy in South Carolina.
Dr. Connie Omari
You do telehealth?
Telvin Peterson
Yes, I do telehealth
Dr. Connie Omari
in South Carolina can find you Where can they find you?
Telvin Peterson
They can find me on psychology today. He tells me Peter center my name show of the black guy who’s smiling with a bookcase in the background.
Dr. Connie Omari
Oh, yeah, I’ve seen that photo. Yeah, you’re probably the only Telvin Peterson up there. Start with definitely the only black boy. Perfect, perfect. Perfect. We’re gonna try to get you on the black Marriage and Family Therapy matters directory as well. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for your time. It’s been a pleasure hosting you today in black families. That concludes our our podcast for today. We thank you for joining us on your healing journey and we hope that we’ve been able to add some value to you. Thank you so much for your time, peace and blessings, Doctor