https://youtu.be/TSEMtkKRDj0
Dr. Connie Omari
Welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy matters podcast where we are breaking toxic relationship cycles in the black community. Today’s guest is Mrs. Melissa Allen. Hi, Melissa.
Hi, how are you doing?
Malissa Allen
I am wonderful. Less than favorite.
Dr. Connie Omari
Very, very good. Awesome. Well, we are so excited to have you here today. I’d love to introduce you to my audience. Is that okay?
Malissa Allen
That is perfectly okay.
Dr. Connie Omari
Perfect. All right. Melissa is a licensed psycho back psychotherapist in New York, New Jersey, and Utah, specializing in dialectical behavior therapy, women’s issues, and impostor syndrome. She is the founder of optimal you lmhc psychotherapy practice and daughters of faith women’s group. She is a wife, mother, stepmother, author and advocate for women’s wellness. Fantastic. Thank you so much for your work.
Malissa Allen
Thank you for that wonderful intro.
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, why don’t you tell me a little bit more about what’s out
Malissa Allen
as well. So I have been, I was when I first began education and psychotherapy, I was trained in the bio psychosocial and spiritual model. I went to Nyack College, which is a faith based institution in New York. And so, learning from their eye, they actually had me go into therapy for the first time, like that was a prerequisite to actually take. Well, you have to go to therapy, because you have to know what it’s like to sit on the other side of the chair.
Dr. Connie Omari
I think that’s good. A lot of people. I’ve never really met anybody who was trained to have to do that. But I’ve met a lot of therapists who’ve never been in therapy. And I’m like, how does that work? I wasn’t trained. I was just crazy. So I had to, I had to go on my own.
Malissa Allen
But like having that having that experience really taught me that I had no idea that there was so much trauma that was unresolved. And it was like from my childhood, adolescent years, early adulthood at that time, where I was in school, and then also from church had a lot of church trauma. So my goal began to be my goal became to work with people who may have unresolved trauma. And so I started off in the correctional system. And I did have a number of years, and it was like a really beautiful, humbling experience, you know, and, you know, the root of most of of their issues did stem from, you know, trauma, trauma. Yes. And I
Dr. Connie Omari
was in there with all the women that I talked to connect it with had some form of trauma. Absolutely.
Malissa Allen
Yes. So that was, so trauma became like a really focal point for me. And then after corrections, I worked in a psychiatric hospital. Again, similar thing. A lot of the patients, you know, had, like, you know, intense histories of trauma. And then I’ve worked in private settings, agencies, and I’ve also started private practice in 2017 was my first time. Again, the theme is maintained. So um, you know, I was inspired in August of 2022, to start a woman’s healing group. Love it, love it. Hey, Ben, from there, develop the community. And you know, I’ve been doing on the side, just really small, trauma centered women’s conferences, where faith over fare was the last one that we recently done. And that was in Queens on July 8.
Dr. Connie Omari
Nice. You say we, so your work.
Malissa Allen
I love collaborating? So thank you. Because, yeah, when you reached out to me, I was I was more than grateful, because my whole goal is to connect with other women who are focused on helping people overcome trauma. So I’ve, I’ve collaborated with so many great women and the community, Queens, but you know, I’m trying to extend extending the span that as I’m now living in Tennessee, as well.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Amazing. So are you thinking of doing anything down here? anytime soon?
Malissa Allen
Yes, I would love to. I recently wrote a book. And so it’s, it’s called 31 days to greater faith and it’s for people who have maybe went through trauma or maybe made some poor decisions and mistakes, and they they find it difficult to find their way to faith because of shame and guilt. So it’s just basically offers a daily devotional where you can learn that God is loving God is forgiving. And that he wants you to feel restored, like he wants you to be renewed like that, that you’re that you’re never too far gone that nothing you’ve done is unworthy of His love. And so the idea is that,
Dr. Connie Omari
can you say that again, because, sure, register that your did nothing, you’ve done
Malissa Allen
nothing that you’ve done that. Not. That’s not worthy of God’s love. So I, the hope is that in 31 days, you know, you’ll, you’ll believe and receive that message. And that that’s something that I’m very proud of is very new. To me. I’ve never authored before, it’s 2023 was a big year for that. And congratulations, by the way, thank you so much.
Dr. Connie Omari
So I think that’s a great way to kind of transition into our topic. And before we close, make sure that you give us the link to that book, and we’ll put that in the descriptions. Okay. So for those who are listening can purchase it. No problem. So we’re talking about church hurt. And, you know, you talked about, you know, just suddenly maybe your own trauma, I’ve talked about some of my trauma. You talked about nothing you’ve done can keep God from forgiving you. Why do you think it’s? Why do you think it’s so hard for for us to believe that especially those of us who were in the church? Because
Malissa Allen
I think this is my personal opinion, not clinical? But I think it’s because, you know, we have so many people in the actual institution of churches, right. And I don’t think that they mean harm, but sometimes they play God, if that makes sense. Yeah. You know, it’s, it’s, they’re, they’re, they’re sometimes judgments and, or their rush to judgment, and their interpretation of people, when they when they’re hurting, or they’ve come from trauma, or they’re making mistakes or poor decisions. And it leads us to believe like, hey, if people if people make us feel that way, then this must be a reflection of God, because they represent God. Right. You know, so it’s, it’s, um, so sometimes we tend to think, well, if this is how they feel, and this is, this is how God feels as well. And then you turn away from it. Because you don’t want to feel that shame and guilt, you know, you don’t want to feel like you’re bad. Or that you, you know, you can’t reconcile. And so I think it’s the people that represent the institution that sometimes cause us to feel that way.
Dr. Connie Omari
Right. I agree. Um, so from what I’m hearing, it’s almost like, the church, people in church are acting like the law. Yes. And not the grace that Yeah. Yeah.
Malissa Allen
That I couldn’t have said that better. Yeah.
Dr. Connie Omari
Well, from my experience, I definitely have been exposed to the differences. But how, so? Where do we draw that fine line? Because certainly, and, you know, I’m not trying to, like, put you on the spot. So if it’s like to, you know, much, okay, let me know. But, you know, surely we need some form of structure, right? Like, where you should? So where do we draw that line between, you know, maybe living a certain way, a righteous way. But not making it or teaching somebody the right way without making it like, you’re going to hell? If you know, you’re a bad person, if you don’t like how, how can we wrote? And I asked that? I don’t know, either, you know, I, it’s a struggle. Yeah.
Malissa Allen
I think the first thing is to not, not resort to hammer.
Dr. Connie Omari
You know, if every problem you see is a nail than the hammer or something like that.
Malissa Allen
So because it’s like, you know, if we look at, you know, not to bring the Bible into it, but you know, I feel like I’m gonna go there with it. But, you know, if we look at John 316, it’s also valid by John 317. Because John 316 says, you know, For God so loved the world. And then you got John 317, that, that follows that that says, you know, that he didn’t come to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. Wow. So it’s like, you know, when, first of all, we don’t have the authority to condemn that’s number one. You know, and I feel like with, with, with believers, there’s so many scriptures, like you know, that work to share in each other’s burdens, you know, that we can confess to each other. That we’re supposed to sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron, so I feel like instead of giving In the hammer, it’s like, you know, let’s let’s reach out to that person and try to help them. Like, in terms of like, like, how can I help you? How can I help you to? What’s the word I’m looking for here? I’m stuck. But how can I help you to like, change change? What are you doing? I assist you in change. That’s what I want to say. How can I assist you in the change process? Because if it’s like sometimes, you know, it’s easy to say, I’m gonna get her to Fox say this. Like, it’s not that people want to like necessarily go rob, but if you’re hungry, and the only option is to rob sometimes, you know, you’re gonna option right? And I’m not I’m not I’m not in any way condoning Dhoni robbing Yeah. But it’s like, you know, if you’re angry, because you feel like, okay, I have financial trauma, or I’m in a relationship that’s unfulfilling or you know, maybe your you don’t feel fulfilled and career or whatever it is, you know, there’s other reasons, but it’s like, let’s have that conversation first, before forming a judgement. Like, let’s have a conversation, let’s talk about it. Let’s try to find out what this person may need. And I feel like, for me, institutions, sometimes it’s like, they don’t know how to mutually pour. So it’s like, you know, you’re pouring, you might you’re paying your ties you’re offering, you’re showing up, you’re volunteering, you’re doing this, you’re doing that, but it’s like, are you how are you pouring into your congregants as well? You know, because it’s like, we’re not just here to be entertained, like it’s a community. And that’s something that I feel has been lacking, like, you know, I can’t give a personal example. Is that okay?
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely. For that, first of all, it’s hard to talk about personal stuff. So thank you. Yes.
Malissa Allen
So in my first marriage, um, I started having problems with my ex husband. And we did go to our leaders now we were faithful, in terms of tithes and offering in terms of ministry, who we both were on several ministries in the church. And we went to them and said, hey, you know, we’re having problems, and we didn’t really know how to resolve the problems. So what we were met with was the hammer. And then when we got the hammer, you know, about, you know, we got the hammer about adultery, and we got the hammer about divorce. And it was like, that we were like, okay, like, we left there with like, no resolve no hope. And, you know, when hammer.
Dr. Connie Omari
They pretty much told you that you’re going to hell or made you,
Malissa Allen
If we like, that we were at risk for adultery, and that if we either of us committed adultery, or if either of us decided to go through a divorce, then we will be, you know, hell bound. Yes. And it was just kind of like, so we felt hopeless. We fell. And then we went to like, you know, therapy afterwards psychotherapy. And it was at that point, we were just like, we there’s no coming back from this and we didn’t try. We didn’t really try. We just let it go. And when I called my pastor to follow up and say, Hey, we’re gonna go through with the divorce. You know, he pretty much just dismissed me and separated from me. Yeah, yes, this really happened.
Dr. Connie Omari
This, this was in the 1950s.
Malissa Allen
Ah, yeah, we had a conversation and he was pretty much like, well, you’re already getting divorced. So what do you want from me? And I did not want money. I didn’t want housing. I just wanted to get some support. Like some type of support. I wanted somebody to say, Hey, you’re gonna be okay. Or, Hey, let me pray for you. It was cool.
Dr. Connie Omari
And she went, I know, and I’ve never been, my faith is big. I go to church, but I’ve never had like a major leadership role in it. But I know that that’s not God. Yeah, you know what I mean? That’s not and I’m not judging this man. I don’t have a heaven or hell to send them to, but I know God doesn’t do that. Especially for people who are who are vulnerable and that to the brokenhearted? Yes. So so that was ugly. So I say that for the person listening in. So Melissa, what I love about you and your approach, and I’ll be a little transparent, I’m I had been before but I can reiterate some of my stuff as well. Is that Well, let me not assume, did that affect your relationship with God? Or did you adapt? He
Malissa Allen
did. Not only did I leave the church, but again, remember how I remember how I said earlier, that sometimes you feel like these people represent God? Absolutely. And how he feels about you. So at that point, I felt so ashamed that as I was going through my divorce privately, you know, I decided, hey, I’m not worthy. enough to be in church. I’m not worthy enough to read the Bible, I’m not worthy enough to pray. So I did have a period of separation from God. And that was the worst stage of my life. But that really, really did occur again.
Dr. Connie Omari
Just curious from a cultural perspective. How much did you being from the Trinidad divorce common in Trinidad?
Malissa Allen
Ah, not really. That common my parents. They’ve been through everything you could think of, and they’re still married, you know? And most of my relatives are like, I mean, it’s like they they stay married. Yeah. So marriages
Dr. Connie Omari
from the church and the culture. Yes. Wow. Yeah. That’s tough. That’s tough. Yeah, yeah. So, but yet you’re here today in exercising your faith. So if you’re comfortable, was there something that kind of helped you to say, okay, yes, I’ve been divorced. Yes, my pastor abandoned me. No, I didn’t grow up around divorce. But God still loves me. And I’m a child, and I want to serve him. How did you make that connect? I’m going to get
Malissa Allen
so vulnerable right now. That’s okay. Yes. So, I entered into a relationship with someone I should not have. And it was it was my first what I would call toxic relationship. And it was with a narcissist, and it was different levels of abuse in that relationship, I’m sorry, initial physical intimacy, like anytime, like you think of it, it occurred in that relationship. And for some reason, I could not detach. I tried multiple times to try to detach from this young man and I couldn’t.
Dr. Connie Omari
And do you mind if I ask? Were you? Were you a therapist, then? I’m sorry. Were you a therapist, then when you were in that?
Malissa Allen
I was, I was a wounded healer. And I would love it.
Dr. Connie Omari
I love the wrongness of it. Because that’s what we’re human people’s. I’ve been to prison. You. Yeah, I mean, we are human people on this same journey. So we know what we’re talking about when we’re getting raw and personal with you. Okay, go ahead.
Malissa Allen
I was definitely I was definitely what I was showing up to therapy sessions every day, and was hiding this relationship from even my friends. You know, and then again, it goes back to the undeserved part because I felt like I wasn’t deserving of something. Because God didn’t want me anymore, right. So it came to a point in 2021, toward the end of that I had this moment where I was just like, being very vulnerable and transparent here. I was very, I felt very hopeless, and so hopeless that I felt like I didn’t know if I wanted to live anymore. And I cried out to God and crowds him with angry speech. It was not like, you know, humility, it was just kind of like, you know, indignation. Like, how could you desert me like, you know, I loved you, I served you like, you know, like, I was just going in on that. And I remember what was interesting is that I was met with this feeling of love, I’d never felt before. And I know it was God. And it just, it was about. Yeah, I was so humbled by that I felt like, Oh, someone’s here with me. And it’s making me feel really great inside. And I felt I feel very whole. And I remember that I repented in that moment. And I was like, Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry. That I say those things to you, you know, and, and I felt the urge to read my Bible, and I started reading it again, that.
Dr. Connie Omari
I just want to say thank you for sharing that. I’m about to cry. Because the first time I’ve actually had an experience with someone who was vulnerable enough to share that, because that’s the same exact thing that happened to me when I got sentenced to prison. Like, I I have never rehearsed God. But I tell you, I call God everything, but a child of God that day. I be you and I never cussed out nobody. Okay? Like I cut out God, okay. Because how could I have been serving his people? Good, given my all through a situation that was not it was my fault that I lied, if that’s what you want to call it, but it was not my fault that I ended up with 18 women and children in a program with conflicting paperwork, and I had to make a decision and for the result to still be prison. After I proved it to the court, I thought the hardest thing was going to be proving it to the crew. to the court. And still, that was the punishment. So but like you said, I was in I had said, kind of never following you again for catch you, you know, I’m done. I’m done. But but but my issue was, but at the same time, I’m preparing for prison. So as we get closer to having to go, I’m like, God, are you still there? You kind of don’t want to do this, you know, without you. And just the love and the grace, it’s almost like you said, it was like, he was like, I’m still here. Yeah. You know what I mean? I got I can, I can protect you there too. You know, and that’s what my perspective about this situation started to change. So Wow. So and when people sometimes, and this, they’ll have to be like a sermon, but this is the most we’re all that I’ve been with, with God on the show. Some people have never had that experience. And you can’t I don’t judge them. And I’m asking you not to judge me. But when you’ve been touched by God, like what you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God did it. It’s just, it will permanently change. If you would have told me when the FBI knocks on my door that I was gonna, and told me that I was looking at 10 years, and I’d be on a podcast with you just a few years later, talking about this, like, I would like, there’s no, like it was God. And so, um, he, it was just God. So thank you for just bringing that to life. Because I, you know, a lot of people, a lot of people do get an encounter, but a lot of people don’t. And so I haven’t had an opportunity really to talk about it. But it’s a beautiful thing. It’s a painful thing. But it’s a beautiful thing at the same time.
Malissa Allen
No, it definitely isn’t. Thank you for you know, being open and sharing that as well. And this moment, because I think people need to understand too, that, you know, God did make us to emote. So, you know, we’re not always going to have these, like, happy and you know, joyous feelings, you know, sometimes we’re going to feel angry and upset. And, you know, we’re going to say and do things that we shouldn’t. And those moments where we’re caught up in our emotion. And I just, you know, I think just like you, it wasn’t for this experience, there will be no 31 days to greater faith, there will be no daughters of faith when they’re slowly.
Dr. Connie Omari
Oh, absolutely.
Malissa Allen
So just a little pain, versus something that was beautiful, you know, he, he gave the beauty for the ashes. And that’s something that, you know, we can both, you know, Sharon, and
Dr. Connie Omari
blessing. And he will do that for anybody listening to us. Yes, that’s really what I want me to know, it’s not an isolated incident. And sometimes God will put you in a situation to where all you have is him. And you can look at it as anger for being in that situation. Or you can look at it as crazy because the Bible says, you know, my strength is made perfect in your weakness. And I’m so grateful. This is one reason why too, it’s important to stay prayed up because there were times where I would get so angry that people in my life whose faith would struggle with feed into me. So my girlfriend, my best friend said, Tom, you got to get weak first, you got a break like you like he’s breaking you. So that I can admit that I’m weak. As long as I got this, as long as I’m Dr. O with a podcast and the best selling book and a busy practice here using me, you know, because I had all this had stripped me from it. Take me from it. My most raw and vulnerable impulse it all over the news, and with the lies and the deception and all of that, for me to be like, Whoa, guy I need you know, so. But it’s amazing, because when I was ready when I finally got there, that’s when God started to she says, now let me show you my strip. And it’s been beautiful ever since?
Malissa Allen
No, I think it’s very beautiful. Because even you know even how you and I are together and this moment. Just a few weeks back, I prayed and I was just like, you know, God just connect me to other people and other platforms. And it was like within that the last few weeks. You know, I’ve had it with you and a couple other women. And I was just like, oh, you know, it’s It’s such a blessing. And everybody has such you know, beautiful stories to share to stories of redemption and stories of grace. And just knowing that, you know, he can use and that’s the thing people listen, he can use you no matter what you think you’ve done or what you’ve been through, he can still use you.
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, I’m so grateful for this moment. My God,
Malissa Allen
I need to. I was like, I was so prepared for like, you know, it questions. And Dr. Omar, you are so wonderful, because you are allowing me to be organic and myself. And this moment, I hope that all your listeners know that. This is just, you know, what this show is about and who you are?
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely, thank you so much. Thank you for having the courage to do it. Because a lot of times, you know, in a sense that from me, from the very beginning, a lot of times we want to give our or our best face, and I do recognize as someone who’s not currently practicing, I can be a little bit more vulnerable, because I just don’t have, yes, I don’t have no clients. So I don’t, you know, I don’t have the law, I still have a lot of follow, but I don’t have the licensing, you know, stuff over me. So I appreciate you for doing for your vulnerability and stuff, too. Because I do believe that our clients need to know, you know, one of the biggest fears that people have against therapy is that they don’t feel like they can trust the therapist. And we’ve always taught them to, well, we haven’t, but like society has taught them that, you know, therapy is for white people. And then so if you’re black, and you’re doing it, but do you really get it, you know, and I’m glad that we’re able to say yes, we get it, you know, we’ve lived it, and are living it because another storm won’t come like this, but it could, you know, um, and but just know who’s with you through the storm?
Malissa Allen
Yeah, never alone.
Dr. Connie Omari
Never. Yeah. So how does this show up in your practice? Or do you work with people who, you know, do have been through church hurt or trauma, etc?
Malissa Allen
Yes, I definitely have. It’s like, so interesting, because even though like I advertise, as though I, you know, have two specializations, I get a lot of women between the ages of about 24 to like, let’s say 50. And they’re usually coming from a space of like, you know, my experience started in the church. Or I was at one point connected, you know, spiritually, but I’m no longer connected spiritually, but I want to be again, I’m but I’m not sure if I can be. So it’s like, most of the clients come in for the, the spiritual or Christian therapy. So it’s, it just happens to be that way. Or even if they don’t, it seems like at some point, the topic comes up. And, you know, so and I’m like, hey, you know,
Dr. Connie Omari
such a big role in our lives. Chas?
Malissa Allen
Yes. So it was like, it comes out, but I’m just like, okay, is this an opportunity, like, so I, of course, you know, like you mentioned, you know, we have a certain standard that we have to uphold, where we’re not imposing our values. So, I feel it’s amazing that they usually are vulnerable enough to open up and share and be like, and then be receptive. So if you want, we can incorporate this, you know, scripture, or we can incorporate, you know, Christian principles, and then never like, yeah, that’s okay. And, you know, so that’d be like, the way that we can really work through that. And so, um, I think I wanted this therapist posted on Instagram the other day, do we think that spirituality plays a big role in therapy? And I’m like, yes. Because, you know, it’s spirituality. If you grew up in like, a culture of like, church or you grew up in any other faith, you know, it’s going to shape a lot of your belief. So it would be like, I felt like it would wrap the client if you didn’t touch on, you know, their spiritual upbringing. It’s like, because that’s very important.
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. Love it. Love it, love it. Um, Melissa, we’ve talked a lot, because we’re both on both sides, as clients and as therapists and as believers, people you know, in the church, what can the church do to be more more sensitive? That is like, what if you could take your experience all over again when you went to the pastor with knew, knowing what it’s like to say, have the hammer put on you, what would you advise the next pastor to do or approach a situation like that?
Malissa Allen
What I would say, the one thing that I probably would have needed was empathy, the end for compassion. And I feel like that’s something that Jesus himself when he was, you know, ministering to the the brokenhearted or the people that were less fortunate, or the people who are hurting that he encountered, you know, he offered compassion, offered, you know, healing and restoration. But it was like, his approach was never like, you know, I mean, look how humble he was. He literally rode into town on a donkey. That was our road. Yeah. So it was like that. It’s like just that humility and compassion, empathy, Grace, you know? And then
Dr. Connie Omari
why don’t we how do we, how do we make because that’s the message that I get to when I think of Jesus. So when I see people being condescending and judgmental, like, where do they get the nerve? To?
Malissa Allen
I think it’s ego. I really think ego driven. Yeah. Because it’s like, you know, when you’re in a position, especially if you’re in a leader, leadership position, and people are coming up to you, asking you for advice or listening to you a lot of people listen, you know, and they don’t question they don’t challenge, right. So right, right. Institutions. So it’s like, you know, just sometimes having that form of, of, of power and authority, it does go to your head a bit. And you start to feel like, you know, you’re, like, as significant as God. And so you start to, I believe, again, in my opinion, you know, formed those judgments, and you want to make the determinations that it’s not up to you, you know, and that’s, that’s, that’s where the problem I believe, comes in, is where they the ego gets involved, you know, so becomes less about spirituality and less about what God wants and more about what you want,
Dr. Connie Omari
if you want. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. That is such a good way to put it. Melissa, and, and, and, and, you know, we have to also extend grace to that, too. You know, the Bible tells us the enemy comes to steal to kill. Yes. So the enemy knew when you needed that pastor at that moment that the next thing he could do was used that pastor, to make you question not even your marriage, you know, me, yeah, I’m sure that too, but but God, and you’re thinking, and that was the issue. And unfortunately, it sounds like your pastor didn’t have the wisdom. No, to realize that that’s what was occurring.
Malissa Allen
No, he definitely didn’t. And, you know, I had to forgive him. So suddenly, I was I had give him because for years, I literally held him in my heart. And so with all this restoration, I had to forgive and I had to say, you know, I’m gonna forgive him because of his human understanding. Like you said, he liked the wisdom and insight.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah, and he thought he was doing the right thing. Yeah. Yeah. So like I had a lot and you never know what was going on in his life to Yes, you know what I’m saying? Because hurt people hurt people. So who knows? Your courage to even step up and say, I’m unhappy and my marriage could have rubbed him the wrong way. Because first of all, everybody’s unhappy in their marriage. Okay. All right. So this whole you know, you know, I’m so happily married, that is full of crap. Okay. None of us. It never happens. You know, you can be overall happy between today. Okay. Yeah. So
courage to stamp in that and I’ll go so far as to say everybody considers the wars. I mean, you might not actively call an attorney. You crazy if you think I went through a seven year investigation with bids and the D word and come up multiple times. So let me just be real. Yeah. You know, and it didn’t have to be Dad, it could be anything. Um, so yeah, it sounds like it just triggered him more so than anything, because he didn’t have the courage to admit that, hey, you know, the same struggles.
Malissa Allen
would have been helpful. You know, I think what’s lacking to in our community is that you know, collective sharing of like, a hurt to like, admit that. I’ve I may have experienced I could relate, because if we had more of that, then people wouldn’t feel that shame and guilt and they’d feel more comfortable talking about stuff without feeling like if I talk about this not a safe space You know, somebody’s gonna tell paths are gonna make it about the message on Sunday, you know? Right, right? Well, we need to, you know, create more collectively sharing safe spaces where people can say this, like, even what you like, you know, I’m talking to you not sure what to expect. But in this moment that we’re sharing, we’re learning that we can relate in some ways to our experiences that may not have been the same experience, but it’s relatable. And to know that, you know, not only we’re not alone, because we’re never alone with God, but just knowing that, you know, the Bible says to share each other’s burdens. So it’s like, you know, we each have burdens that we bear that we should be sharing with each other to help each other out. But instead, you feel like isolated and alone. And, you know, you keep yourself away from people because of fear of judgment. And, and so that’s something that I believe that we need to incorporate more, especially in black and brown communities.
Dr. Connie Omari
Absolutely. Absolutely. And, um, you know, and I maybe call it the devil’s advocate, but I think even that is ingrained in our history, because
I’m just thinking about the institution of slavery, and how it would benefit you, first of all, to know the law. And to know, like, you can do this and not do that. Because those who are out there being rebellious got killed, you know, so if you want it to live, you, you operate within the confinement of what, whoever was in control, which was white people. And so I think we lost a lot of our, you know, I don’t know if I disclose this yet. Well, you’re from Trinidad, my husband’s from West Africa. So a lot of culture and just freedom. In spirituality. This is different, like, the vibe is just different. I don’t know, as much I don’t know, a lot of Trinidad, Ian’s, but in my husband’s culture is just like, free. I mean, a whole new type of mindset, you know, so, um, but here, it’s it’s like, it’s, I don’t know, I just, it’s, it’s more reserved and more, you know, black and white. And, you know, anyway, I don’t know, that’s just my position. I don’t know if you have anything you want to add to that?
Malissa Allen
No, I mean, I think I think it is good to consider cultural context in terms of spirituality, because it is different. Like, you know, I feel like for me and Trinidadian culture, like it’s more or less like, what I noticed is that whatever, whatever the leader says, is solid. It’s so you don’t question you don’t challenge you don’t, you know, seek information beyond what? So if he says, This is what you should be doing, how you should be doing it? It’s like, ingrained? Like, you know, that’s what we’re doing. So I personally feel like, that’s something I would like to change, because there’s so many hurting people there who are afraid to even speak up about it. Mm hmm. Yeah. So shaming, it’s a bit of a shaming culture to be honest, like, the Christian faith in Trinidad. Yeah. It’s a bit of a shaming culture. Yeah.
Dr. Connie Omari
And you know, and I say that I think with me being American and having American privilege, yeah. My, my experience might be different from my husband’s talking about it. Yeah. I mean, he has shared experiences with me where he did kind of feel like, under control, and yeah, ship. So you know, I definitely can see that, too. So the point is, we need to stop it, you know, because, yeah, that part, you know, God is a forgiving God. God is a gracious God. And while he wants us to live a certain way, my understanding is the reason why Jesus was brought here on Earth was so that God could get understanding of what it’s like to have. Yes. Yes. pressures. Yes. You know, influence. Yes. Peer pressure. Yeah, type of stuff. And while he knew Jesus would be perfect, he knew we wouldn’t. Yes, no. So, yeah. Yeah.
Malissa Allen
And I guess it’s beautiful that you said that because, as you were saying that I was thinking like, just knowing to that temptation is not the sin. You know, we will always like, you know, be presented with that. It’s not the sickness, actually, you know, moving forward and and participating. Right. So that becomes the sin but, you know, it’s nothing wrong with being tempted or feeling influenced or feeling pressured or is you know, these are things that we are like you said, we’re going to experience as humans. In this life, we will experience that, and just accepting that that’s a part of life like trials, I think I’m not to go back to my book. But one of the things that I say is that we will encounter valleys, we will encounter valleys. So the more solid you are in your faith, the more affirmed you are in faith, you know, you have the tools and resources to be able to, you know, survive those valleys.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So tell us more about your book, what’s, what’s the name of it,
Malissa Allen
is Psalm 3031 days to greater faith, finding your strength in the valley. And it’s just basically about like, just teaching again, just about God, like every, every day, it’s 31 days, everyday is a scripture that’s focused on an attribute of God, so that you can learn who he is, because I think a lot of people do not really have a great understanding of who God is. And we spoke a lot a lot about his attributes in this in this podcast today, right? So it’s like just getting in the face of God and learning like who he is because he is more than just a judge.
Dr. Connie Omari
He is more than just a juggling. Yeah.
Malissa Allen
And so, you know, you just learned Yeah, so that’s, that’s what I want. I wanted to let people know, like, and it’s more about relationship than religion. You know, it’s about getting to have that. Really, it’s the same way you can have relationships with with your friend, your spouse, you know, your co worker, you could have a whole intimate relationship with God. And that was that was the the main core of the of the book of the book.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah. I love that. I love that. Because, you know, I grew up thinking that God really was around on Sunday mornings, Wednesday night, or Thursday night whenever we did Bible study. But I didn’t. I mean, I knew I had to pray before I ate and pray for sleep, you know, but God wants to know what you think you’re right now, God wants to know what your next step is. Are you worried about what you make it for dinner tonight? God, you know, he cares about things as simple as that. You know, it’s not only always a marriage, you know? Or divorce or prison, whatever you can you can you literally give him your smallest little things. Yeah, he can.
Malissa Allen
I definitely agree with that. We’re constantly in conversation all day. Like, like you said, Even if I want to cook dinner, like should I do the chicken? Or do we have a whole conversation like conversation?
Dr. Connie Omari
To you, right, yeah. Let’s do this. Fish tonight.
Malissa Allen
Exactly. So I just I think it’s just very great. It’s making it more personable experience, you know, and like you said, outside of like, a situation or location, you know, like, he’s, he’s omnipresent. So he’s, like, always with us. So we don’t have to attend a specific region or place or whatever to find God. God is here, even in this moment with this podcast.
Dr. Connie Omari
Definitely. Yeah, definitely here. Yeah. So we talked about your can we, are you going to send us the Amazon isn’t on
Malissa Allen
Amazon? It’s on Amazon? Yes. Yeah, we’ll get the link for that.
Dr. Connie Omari
Yeah. What about your practice? You said you have a women’s group? Is that for just the space that you’re licensed in? Or is that.
Malissa Allen
oh, that women’s group is not even a part of my therapy, it is just a safe space that I have created for women. Um, you know, in for those of you who cannot afford the book, the idea was to also provide a platform where they also have the same resources that are available on the website. daughters have a website, Daughters of faith.
Dr. Connie Omari
So the links to all of that, yes, they go to that website, they can get to this group. Yes. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So you
Malissa Allen
can join you guys prayer requests, you can, you know, just share, it’s a very safe space. And also, if you’d like to write, you know, you can write a an encouraging message, a devotional, something that might uplift another person or struggle. Feel free to that too. I will, I will definitely authorship rights to be able to publish on the site.
Dr. Connie Omari
Love it. Love it. Love it. Well, that’s amazing. Well, I just want to thank you for that work. Thank you for your honesty, thank you for your vulnerability. Interest, thank you for your transparency.
Malissa Allen
Creating a safe space where I could feel comfortable being and trust, you know, you don’t feel comfortable being transparent everywhere.
Dr. Connie Omari
Right. That’s true. I’m glad you felt comfortable here. Thank you. Yes, definitely. Yeah. Well, we’re gonna go ahead and wrap this up to our viewers who have listened this long. I just want to thank you and I hope that Melissa has been able to just shed some light on how importantly is to know that God loves you. No matter where you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what you haven’t done, you know, there’s always tomorrow. Yeah, God is always available.
Malissa Allen
Yes. Amen.
Dr. Connie Omari
Do you have any final words that there’s one thing that you want them to take from your message today? Melissa, what would that be?
Malissa Allen
I would say, to remember that you’re worthy. You were created in God’s image and likeness. And it doesn’t matter what you look like, like which ethnicity you’re from, what race you belong to, what part of the world you live in. That’s for everyone. So just know that you are worthy. So I will, I will end with that.
Dr. Connie Omari
You are worthy. All right. Thank you, everyone, for tuning in. We really appreciate allowing you allowing us to be a part of your middle. Thank you. All right. See you next time. Thanks again. Peace and blessings. Dr. O