Dr. Connie Omari:
Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the black Marriage and Family Therapy Matters podcast, where we are breaking generational curses and toxic patterns in the black community so that they can live a life of freedom.” I am here today to answer a question. And this question was presented to our community. So I figured that if one member of the community had this question, maybe there were others. So the question that we’re going to be answering today is, did my narcissistic boyfriend really ever love me? First, I want to say that that must be a very hard question to ask. After you have invested time, energy, and resources into anything for which you want a good return on your investment, it can be very discouraging to have to question whether or not that time and energy were significant. Well, we’re going to answer that question now. But before we begin, I’d like to ask a favor of you. Please take a moment to like and subscribe to this video. It’s really going to help us reach more people. Because if one person has this question, chances are many others have it as well.
So, I get that it can be very confusing to understand if your significant other ever truly cared about you. There’s a concept called love bombing. And love bombing is when a narcissist will attach very strongly to a person or individual. And we all share that with all types of love and affection: money, flowers, words of affirmation, adoration—anything that they can do to make the person feel loved and cared for. And then they drop, like, Okay, that’s called love bombing. And it will obviously make you question or wonder whether or not that person ever truly cared about you. To begin with, another thing that you’re probably concerned about is words of endearment. A lot of times, narcissists use affectionate terminology as a way to pull you in. And similar to love bombing, it’s through that terminology, or twisting and manipulating it, that it’s used to tear you down. That can also make you question whether or not the narcissist truly ever existed. The cycle of being in a relationship with a narcissist can also contribute to this. There will be times when the narcissist needs you to trust them so that they can maintain power and control. This looks like giving you empathy and compassion. And then he’s got to turn it around and just slam it shut, beat it down, or take it back. And that can be very frustrating, causing you to question whether or not the narcissist ever truly loved you.
So sometimes the narcissist seems to enjoy more the idea of love and the idea of their relationship, especially if you are physically attracted. Especially if you have money, especially if you gave them a lot of things, the idea of being with you is so much more powerful and meaningful than actually being in a relationship. It’s also confusing because narcissists struggle to really connect; they don’t even know they’re themselves, and they operate out of fear. And anytime you operate out of fear, if you have a fear-based mindset, you’re going to make choices and do things that reflect that fear. And it shows in your relationships; it shows in the narcissist relationship, and it’s probably responsible for, or at least one of the reasons why it’s responsible for, you are asking the question, Did the narcissist ever truly love you? often because narcissists are so selfish and so self-centered that they’re going to prioritize their own needs above yours. That will make you wonder if a narcissist ever truly loved you, because it seems like the only thing, they care about is themselves. There’s nothing worse than really needing a person to be there for you. And then being emotionally unavailable. That’s what narcissists do. You could have gone through something traumatic like the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, or just not really feeling well, and the narcissist is only concerned about themselves. It’s going to make you question whether or not the narcissist ever truly loved you. Gaslighting, confusion, manipulation—all of those are reasons that you’re probably wondering if a gaslighted or a narcissist ever truly discards and devalues you; they act like you’re not even bearable, like you don’t even exist when things get tough and difficult. That will obviously raise the question of whether or not a narcissist really seemed to love the control that they had more than you. Or specifically, they love the control that they have over you. One more video that’s going to make you question whether or not a narcissist truly answers the question Did the narcissist ever truly love you? I don’t know. I don’t know Narcissus, and I don’t know you. But I do know that you’re worthy of self-love. And it’s through that self-love that you’re going to get the love that you desire, the love that you are worth, and the love that will prevent you from finding yourself in another relationship with a narcissist. It helps you learn to embrace and accept yourself, irrespective of the circumstances around you. More importantly, when you exercise self-love and authenticity, it acts as a narcissistic repellent. The narcissist will say that they have no more control and power over you, and they won’t become attracted to you anymore. More importantly, even if they are, you’ll have the self-awareness that you need to exercise distance and not get drawn into their web and have the emotional and psychological pain that comes along with dealing with the narcissist. Self-love helps you to be resilient. When you have a solid and strong sense of self-love. You don’t, and you’re not easily affected by things like narcissistic interactions.
So it’s important for you to learn how to engage in loving yourself and be resilient, and that will keep the power of the narcissist from continuing to help her have boundaries as well. And when you have these boundaries, you can separate your stuff from other people’s stuff, including Narcissus’. If the narcissist cannot penetrate that boundary, Narcissus is not going to have the power to control and manipulate. Having self-love gives your personal fulfillment; you’ll be able to be genuinely happy, irrespective of what anyone else does, and having self-love empowers you. It helps you to be free from emotional and psychological doubt that comes from being with someone who manipulates and controls you and gaslights you like a narcissist does. Self-love helps you to have healthy relationships. Just like it is a repellent to narcissists. It is a magnet for people who have a strong frame and are emotionally available and not manipulated. Like attracts like, and the reality of it is that there was something about you that attracted you to the narcissist to begin with. But the beautiful thing is that it doesn’t have to continue. Learn to invest in yourself. Learn to love yourself, heal from the trauma of what you’ve been through, attract yourself, and put yourself in a good enough place so that you can either attract yourself, be attracted to, or find a healthier relationship. And if that doesn’t work, be happy and healthy within yourself. But be pure, genuine, and authentic with yourself. If you love yourself, you can heal yourself. That’s all I have for you today. I hope these resources were helpful. If you have any questions, leave me a message in the comments below. Thanks again for your time, and don’t forget to like and subscribe so that we can reach more people and help them heal their toxic relationships. Thank you again for your time. Peace and blessings. Doctor O.