Hey, hey, hey, this is Dr. Omari here from the Black Marriage and Family Therapy Matters podcast. Thank you for joining me today, I have something that I know is going to be helpful to the women who are looking for relationships and trying to figure out some of the things they need to look for in terms of determining whether or not the relationship that they’re going into is good or if their relationship patterns are healthy.
So let’s dive right in.
The topic I want to discuss is narcissism. Now, up until the last 10 years, or, or basically over the last decade, we’ve been hearing this term thrown around a lot. But I think people use it just to a little bit frequently. That’s kind of happens anytime a person says things repetitively, they don’t quite fully embrace what it means. But more or less use it as a way to insult people, but they might not understand the full capacity of what the term means so I’d like to give you the definition.
So narcissistic, first of all, it is an adjective, and it is having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one’s physical appearance. So you want to make sure when you’re using it that you understand that in the clinical context, it means basically to be obsessed with yourself in many ways that will harm not only other people, people but the narcissist themselves, but they don’t realize it. Nonetheless, many people who are attracted to Narcissists typically get really attracted to Narcissists. And that causes huge problems for them in the long run. Because if you can imagine, if somebody is extremely attached, attracted to themselves, and obsessed more or less or more or less with yourself, there’s not a lot of room left over for them to be interested in you and invest in you.
So today, I like to discuss six narcissistic mind games that people play or that Narcissists play that you can focus on so you’ll know if a narcissist is in your relationship or so you’ll know what to look for when you’re dating. If you see any of these signs, chances are they’re Narcissists. Okay, so let’s start with narcissistic mind game number one gaslighting, that’s using denial, lying, misinformation, and contradiction to make you doubt your sanity, memory and perception. An example of gaslighting would be something along the lines of let’s say you have a history of being sexually assaulted, unfortunately, a lot of women do. And you’re having a sexual experience with your significant other, if the person refuses to acknowledge that you are not comfortable with maybe the sexual act or the sexual position, and states that it’s because of your sexual history or your prior history of abuse. That’s a form of gaslighting because they’re manipulating and controlling the narrative, and the only person who benefits from it is them. So you want to make sure that the communication that you have with people that there’s no manipulative mindset, that there’s no what seems to be ulterior motive behind it, because if it is chances are gaslighting is present and that is a narcissistic mind game.
Number two, constant criticism. Examples of this include marginalizing you, ridiculing you, dismissing you to make you feel interior. Um, gosh, I had a client one time, bless her heart. I think she tried to cook. But she was not a good cook. According to her spouse, I never tasted her food, so I don’t really know. But according to her spouse, he was she wasn’t a good cook. But that wasn’t the issue about the situation because I could see her trying day in and day out to experiment with new recipe recipes. She would Google them online. She asked her friends and family she even asked him for input. And just the way you know, I’m not saying you should eat things that you don’t necessarily like, but the way that he would just take advantage of her trying and make her feel bad because she couldn’t do it the way he wanted to. It’s just horrible. So you know, criticisms, chances are, if a person is criticizing you they have a narcissistic mindset and you want to be as far away from that as possible.
Now this is a good one, the next one, because people often ignore this. This is silent treatment. So narcissistic mind game number three is silent treatment. Examples of this include in Messages, calls or questions, which often make you feel uncertain. And to make you start doubting yourself. People think that narcissism being self absorbed is all about what you’re putting out there. But it’s often about what you’re withholding your spouses or your significant others partner, fish, it stinks to excuse my language, but it does. So if you’ve done something that offends them, and their response is, well, let me withhold or let me deny you from what you need. That’s narcissistic as everything. Examples of that include not responding to text messages, blocking you on social media, making plans and not showing up as stated being unreliable. Can you imagine if you had an argument with your partner earlier in the day, and his response was not to talk to you, and you went out and got something like maybe a flat tire, or heaven forbid, he goes out and you know, another woman is like, just available and, you know, was just looking for an opportunity to jump on a vulnerable, man, I mean, these things are toxic, and they’re very dangerous, and important to keep into perspective. So narcissism is not only what you’re saying, or what you’re directly doing to someone, it’s also what the what you are withholding from them. narcissistic mind game number four is guilt tripping, okay? It is this passive aggressive way to remind someone of something that they did in order to make them want to make up for it. So listen, we are all works in progress, myself included, we do things that we’re not proud of, or that we don’t want to do, or that in some way, shape or form, harm, harm ourselves, primarily, but also harm other people. If a person just hold you to that, and makes you feel worthless, because you have committed this act that they think is just like the worst thing ever. That’s not right. Okay. The opportunity in life is really to be able to grow and to learn and to make better choices and to do better things. And if we’re not doing that, then we’re not getting better. So please, if you can’t get better for yourself, you certainly can’t get better for relationship. So try to be aware of mind game number four, which is guilt tripping.
Okay, narcissistic mind game number five victim hood. Okay, it is the design is designed to exploit someone’s goodwill, guilty conscience nurturing instinct, in order to benefit them personally, victimhood, I said it sarcastically earlier because I just think of, you know, the people who off the wanna cry, whoa, is me are, you know, trying to make you feel guilty about things or victim victim selves victimized by things. This oftentimes comes when a person wants to say, what’s the cost of money out for something. So let’s say somebody, you know, didn’t give you what you need it. And you assert yourself, which is one of the things that we’re really big on here on the podcast is taking us being assertive and exercising your right to express yourself. And instead of that person acknowledging that that’s what you’re doing. They make it seem like they’re the victim. So okay, a person calls you a name, you stand up for yourself, and instead of them saying, “You’re right, I shouldn’t ever called you a bitch.” More or less. They say, “Oh, well, you know, I guess I’ll just let you sit here and disrespect me, then”. You know, like, maybe the disrespect is an issue but it’s not related to the bitch calling that needs to be addressed on two separate occasions. But a lot of times that doesn’t happen. And when you’re dealing with someone who plays a narcissistic mind games, chances are that doesn’t that happens often. So be wary of the person who when you try to construct them, they claim that they are the victim.
And the sixth mind game that I want to talk to you about is projection, which is criticizing others for things they do themselves. This often happens in the form of cheating and infidelity, things like that you person will feel that a person is being unfaithful to them, oftentimes, because they’re the ones that are being unfaithful. Okay, so I’m going to give a quick review because I want to make sure you grasp all of this so you’ll know the narcissistic mind games to look out for as you are entering and navigating your world through dating and relationships, gaslighting, constant criticism, silent treatment, guilt, tripping, victimhood, and projection. There will be an outline of these in the notes for you to reference when you get an opportunity as well. Alright, as always, thank you for joining in. Thank you for tuning in and listening to me and allowing me to be a part of your journey.
Thank you again. Have a wonderful day and I hope this was helpful. Peace and blessings.
~Dr. O