Hello, hello, hello, this is Dr. O. And today’s topic is about radical acceptance.
Now I want to talk to you about radical acceptance because, well, we need to accept some things, some things that are hard for us to accept. So I just want you to take a moment as we go through this episode, and really start to think about what is going on in your life that you’re having a hard time accepting. A lot of times you’ll you’ll it can be recognized because there’s some level of resistance, there’s some level of discomfort, there’s some level of sensitivity and awkwardness, and real, just displeasure, um, you know, I work a lot with black women on this issue. So I really want to keen in on you right now, if you can just take a moment to really just reach deep within yourself and think about the issues within your relationships that are hard to talk about.
Is it breaking up?
Is it cheating?
Is it mistakes maybe that you have made?
Is it a pattern that you’re observing? Is it things that you wish were different?
Do you want something that you’re not really comfortable talking about?
What really what is it because it’s like a nail. And once you, I want you to imagine a nail being in your forehead, and all you’re trying to do is keep that nail from hurting you. And every time it hits something, when you put your sweater on, it hits the nail, or when you reach into hug somebody, the pressure from their head hits that nail, whatever it is, is going to hurt and the only thing that’s going to stop that that nail from hurting your head is removing it from your fore head. So this was really what radical acceptance is, is removing that nail so that you can get to the other side of whatever it is you’re struggling with.
So let’s talk about what radical acceptance is. Okay? So it’s radical, it means all the way complete and total. It is accepting in your mind, heart, and body. Okay, whatever is going on around you. It’s when you stop fighting reality, you stop with the temper tantrums, and whatever it is that you do deflections, whatever it is that you’ve been doing up into this point to keep from dealing with it. And it is because it is understanding that reality might not be the way you want it, but you can let go of bitterness.
Listen, ladies, I’ve seen a lot of people. I’ve worked with a lot of people who have been bitter, okay about their situations. And you know, when you’re bitter, you’re not able to think clearly and concretely you think based off of your feelings of discomfort. So let’s talk about what has to be accepted to be able to experience radical acceptance.
The first thing that has to be said accepted that is that reality is as it is, okay.
The facts about the past, in the present are the facts, even if you don’t like them, if he cheated on you, that’s what he did. Okay? If you are constantly in relationships with men who cheat, that is a reality. And rather than try to convince yourself that you need to try to date a different man, the reality is that the common denominator is you. All right. So the reality is, is that something about you is attracting men who are unfaithful?
Okay, what else has to be accepted?
Number two is that there are limitations on the future for everyone. But only realistic limitations need to be accepted. All right? Yes, it nobody’s perfect. I love that idea. That forgiveness and wanting to embrace imperfections and things like that, you’re right, nobody is perfect, but you don’t have to accept all limitations. Right? So in accepting reality, for being what it is, you don’t have to accept what is not or what is not good for you what is not working for you. You have the right, in other words, to have a bottom line. And if that bottom line is not being respected, so let’s say you know, he cheated on one occasion, okay, you can handle that. But um, if you’re giving the excuse that well you know,
he deserves a second chance, you just have to understand that in giving him that second chance, you could very well be setting yourself up for a future infidelity. Now, that does not mean that you can’t give them a second chance. But it just means that reality is not about just thinking, Okay, well, he cheated. Let’s just jump back into this thing without looking carefully and concretely at all the dynamics, because yes, he does have limitations, but so do you.
Another reality is that everything has a cause, including events and situations that cause you pain and suffering. Now, that’s a hard one for us to take in and process because it’s so much easier to just think that issues are well, issues, we have an opportunity, we have an obligation to ourselves to try to make sense out of the pain that we experience. And we can do that because life can be worth living, even with painful events in it. I’ll tell you right now, as I’m doing this episode, I’m going through one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. And the only thing that is getting me through it is the fact that I am trying as much as possible in it is difficult, but to accept that radical acceptance, accepting what is going through what I’m going through, okay, and I’ll go so far as to say it is a it is a legal issue that is very challenging and overwhelming. And I’ll, I’ll disclose more about that in future episodes. But I don’t want to get sidetracked off of really connecting with you on this and helping you understand radical acceptance.
Alright, so one of the reasons why it’s hard for us to engage in racial acceptance is because we have a hard time accepting, we don’t really understand why we need to accept things, right. If it’s uncomfortable, we want to just push it away, that’s human behavior, like we’re drawn to the idea of happiness, and to want to feel comfortable. So because accepting things that are uncomfortable is well, uncomfortable. It’s very hard for us to accept these things, right. So let’s talk about why we need to accept reality.
Well, reason number one, rejecting reality does not change reality. I’m gonna say it again, rejecting reality does not change reality. So if you’re sitting here and rejecting things that you really need to pay attention to, then that might be why you’re stuck. And while you’re still in the same place, because you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge as being broken. Okay, so rejecting reality does not change reality.
Number two, changing reality requires accepting reality. Let me repeat that changing reality requires accepting reality. So if you don’t take the time to accept what is for what it is, okay, you can’t change it. You can’t change it. So I want to see you have the breakthroughs that you’re worth, I want to see you doing something different, I want to see different outcomes from you. And the only way that we can do that together is for you to start accepting what is uncomfortable.
Number three, pain can’t be avoided. It is nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong. Okay. So again, we because we’re wired to be drawn to happiness, and pleasure and comfort. And we’re also wired, okay to know when something is not right, so that we can fix it. So the pain that we feel about the things that are uncomfortable, is part of life. Okay? And it’s the only way that we can get to the other side.
All right, rejecting reality turns pain into suffering. So in other words, the more we reject what’s going on around us, the more we will suffer. We think by avoiding reality, we are actually avoiding the pain but that’s not true. We’re prolonging the pain. We’re we’re, if I were to tell you right now not to picture a pink elephant. The first thing that I noticed came to your mind is that you’re picturing a pink elephant because you can’t avoid what is being what really is right.
Um, next we have refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in on happiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful emotions. Because you’re not dealing with your stuff. You’re not dealing with it. And when you don’t deal with it, I want you to go back a few episodes where I interviewed elder Bennett Elder Tawanda Bennett and she talked about the importance of dealing with your stuff.
Number six, you need to accept reality because acceptance may lead to sadness, but deep calmness usually follows. Okay, so it’s always stormy. First, okay. Before the calm, so you have to go through the storm to get to the calmness on the other side, you can’t do that. If you don’t accept what’s going on, you’re going to stay stuck in the store. You don’t want to stay stuck in the storm, you want to get to the calm, you have to acknowledge the storm first.
Okay, the path out of hell is through misery.
That’s the only way by refusing to accept the rivett misery that is part of climbing out of hell, you fall back into hell, you stay stuck. I want to see you get on stuff. So let’s make sure that we understand what radical acceptance is not to accept things radically to accept that he cheated to accept that he’s unfaithful to accept that all the men you’re drawn to are unfaithful, you have to understand, okay, approval that your I’m sorry that your behavior by accepting is not an act of approval. It’s not an act of compassion, love passivity, or being against change.
Okay, so that’s confusion, you don’t have to accept that he cheated doesn’t mean that you are proving that he cheated or that you love the fact that he cheated or that you’re passive and a doormat. It just means that Listen, this is who he is. And I go to cheating because most of the women that I work with report having had that experience, and that that makes it difficult for them to find true love and healthy relationships moving forward.
Okay, so you know, if it makes especially if you choose to stay in that relationship, you have to be careful that you accept what has happened radically, so that you can prevent it in the future that so that you can take a stand against that type of behavior. So let’s go over three quick factors really quickly, that interfere with radical acceptance. One, you don’t have the skills for acceptance, you do that know how to accept really painful events and facts.
Okay, if you are in my, or if you’re listening to this, we have a course that will teach you the skills, okay, but the first thing you need to do is if you don’t understand the skills, then you’re going to continue to be in the same situation.
Next, you believe that if you accept a painful event, you are making light of it, or you are approving of the facts and that nothing will be done to change or prevent future painful events. That’s also not true. Like just because you are accepting it doesn’t mean that you’re making light of it, or you’re not acknowledging it’s actually the exact opposite. It does mean that you’re acknowledging it does mean that and accepting it, you’re taking the first step to fixing the situation. And finally, emotions get in the way, there’s like unbearable sadness or anger at the person, or whoever did this to you or rage at the injustice of the world, or the overwhelming shame about who you are. Maybe even guilt.
Okay. And because these emotions become so difficult, we don’t deal with our stuff. Again, our course addresses all of these facets, all of these issues. And I want to be the most helpful as possible helping you get there. So please remember, radical acceptance is not your enemy. It is your friend. And our episodes and our shows in our courses and resources are designed to help you get there.
All right, I hope this was helpful. Again, check in with yourself, what is it that you’re hiding from? What is it that you’re not addressing and reach out to let us know how we can help you.
Okay, thank you again for your time.
Peace and blessings today.
~ Dr. O