Episode #83: Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists?

Dr. Connie Omari:

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Black Marriage and Family Therapy Matters podcast, where we are committed to breaking toxic relationship cycles in the black. Today’s topic is going to be really hard for me to discuss with you guys. And I’m being honest with you because being in a relationship with a narcissist is extremely challenging, as you know, which is why you’re watching, which is why you’re trying to find so much more information about North, but it’s important to note that if you find yourself in relationships with narcissists, especially if it’s happened more than once, then it’s really important to consider that there’s one common denominator. So today’s exercise, or rather, today’s video, is about exploring what it is about you that keeps you in relationship with North. So without further ado, let’s get started. The first one is hard to even understand how it could be a bad thing, but it’s the fact that you’re empathetic and have a carry. The tough reality is that narcissists can tolerate kindness and compassion, making you a prime target for manipulation. Empathy and the willingness to understand and support others can be exploited by narcissism. And in other words, if a narcissist’s sole job and responsibility is to find ways to serve their own ego and feel superior and grandiose above everyone else, they’re going to find their search in seeking people who will willingly feed that narrative. If you’re an empath, if you’re caring, and if you’re naturally nurturing, this could make you a target for narcissism. Number two: low self-esteem and insecurity You may be seeking to feel validated, supported, loved, and cared for by a narcissist. As you may recall from our other videos, love bombing is a tactic that narcissists use to gain dominance over their victims. So what they will do is flatter them with admiration, fight them, tell them how beautiful they are, and treat them like gold as a tool to get them in. And then, once they have them, all the manipulation and control will happen, and it becomes a cycle. So when you are insecure, not only are you easy to target to begin this cycle, but you’re easy to continue to do this too because you feel inadequate within yourself. You’re going to keep waiting for the love bombing to happen again because you know what’s coming. At some point, Narcissus is going to start being nice to you again. So you’re waiting for that moment, when in the meantime, with all the abuses happening—the disrespect, the cheating, the lies and deceit in the control, and all the other horrible things that narcissists do when it’s happening to you—your self-esteem is typically so low that you don’t value yourself enough, and you don’t understand that that is not appropriate to begin with. Number three is unresolved childhood trauma. Past experiences, especially during childhood, can shape one’s relationship dynamics. Those who have experienced emotional neglect, abandonment, or abuse may unconsciously attract narcissists who replicate familiar patterns, even if they are unhealthy. One thing that we see a lot of is people wanting to save the day. You know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship or to feel unloved and unsupported, so it’s easy for you to turn around and put yourself in a safe situation to save a narcissist. But what we don’t understand is that we are setting ourselves up for being abused yet again. By taking care of the narcissist, we are inadvertently putting ourselves in the limelight of the Narcissus rack and therefore putting ourselves in danger. And further exposing us to the same neglect that we have injects is the desire for excitement and intensity. Some individuals are drawn to the excitement and intensity that narcissists can bring into their lives. Narcissists are fun, and they exude confidence and charm, creating an initial attraction. However, this excitement can quickly turn into manipulation and control, leaving the individual feeling trapped. Remember, narcissists are typically in high positions of power, control, and authority. That’s what they do because it feeds their ego, their superiority, or their need for superiority. It feeds the grandiosity of everybody rooting for them, cheering for them, and adoring them, which is satisfying their needs and their insecurities, right? So when you get drawn into that, too, not only are you satisfying it, but you’re going to have to deal with the narcissistic behaviors that happen behind closed doors. So when they’re in public and being charming and the light of the party and things like that, they don’t have to deal with the control, the manipulation, the anger, and the impulsivity control issues behind the doors; they don’t have to deal with that you do. So stay encouraged, and just know that you can deal with the charm. Just know that you always have to deal with the mind. Last but certainly not least, there’s more than likely a need for validation and love within you as well. People who have unmet needs for validation and love might unknowingly seek out narcissists who promise to fulfill these desires. Narcissists often use love money, as I mentioned earlier, which is excessive affection and attention, as a way to help their victims, which makes it difficult for individuals to recognize the manipulative tactics. It’s a facade. I hate to say that, but it’s a facade when they are adoring you, admiring you, and pleasing you. You do all the things that feel good. And if you’re not careful, your need for that because you can’t fulfill that need on your own is going to consistently cause you to get attracted to and put in situations with narcissists who will give it to you. All right. That’s all I have for today. I hope it was helpful. All of us deserve to be treated with love and respect. That’s why I had this conversation with you today. Even though it was hard. I’m not blaming you for narcissistic behavior, but I am trying to increase your wisdom and insight so that you will know what it is about you that is attracting narcissism and keeping us alright. Thanks again for your time. If you agree with the things that I’ve mentioned, or even if you disagree, leave me some comments. I want to know what you’re thinking. Also, like and subscribe so that we can continue to influence the black community, just like I tried to influence you today. Alright, thanks again for your time, peace, and blessings.